sort of a blur

this feels like a 'dear diary' post. may happened so fast in my memory, but there a couple of things worth talking about:

I've been very, very blessed with work. I'm so thankful, particularly so since this morning husband and I did our budget together for June and were able to plan to contribute to retirement and savings this month, even Magz' college fund. thank you, Father, for abundance. it certainly helped that we got a tax refund a few days ago... which you don't really want, since it just means you gave the gov too much money last year, but we'll take it back with gratitude. hubs is working at building his freelance clientele, and even though the Lord has blessed us and taken care of us beautifully I'm afraid I'm hard-wired to worry and fret about funds. 'what if I lose a client, or three?', 'what if I get pregnant again right now, and it's harder than last time, and I can't work as much?', 'what if we dip too far into savings on down months, and get used to it, and forget what it's like to have goals and a plan?'... I know that there's probably a healthy level of concern to have about such things, which propels people to get out of bed and try to take care of business, but I also recognize that I can totally forget to include God's provision and peace in my habit of defaulting to my own ability to to perform and make things happen. after 13 years of self-employment I'm afraid I also still tend to forget that I'm in a boat with two oars, and that everything looks a lot better and less stressful when I'm sharing and shouldering with mgb. I'm so thankful for my husband, and for how he serves our family.

I'd like to brag on him a little - he showed up to a gig the other day to work as a Production Assistant on a reality show shoot (which is a position that he's 'above' ability-wise, but the tech crew was out of LA and those were the local positions they were hiring). as the gear was brought in it became apparent that no one really knew how to set it all up and poof! there was mgb. he got everything up and running and ordered so that everyone could clearly see what was what, and at the end of the day the director even asked if he wanted to continue on to the Miami shoot. that part didn't actually transpire, but the point is that my husband showed up and did what he does very well (which is make life easier and more enjoyable for people who want to make things with cameras), and I'm just proud of him.

I've also been making some lifestyle/health changes over the past 5 weeks, which have been both great and challenging. I used this upcoming movie part to galvanize me into these changes, but it's a little bigger than that now. I retained a trainer, who's helped me so much. Kathy has shown me what pushing myself really looks like, and I'm acutely aware of the fact that when I was 'working out' before I was barely scratching the surface of real training. I feel so much stronger than I did before, and I'm gratified by the progress I've made with strength training. I still have some recurring issues, like lower back pain, which I believe will get better with continued core training, and feel like cardio is where I'm the weakest overall, but still... two months ago, ten minutes on the cross trainer made me huff and puff and hurt, and two days ago I did an hour between the treadmill and cross-trainer. so woot woot!

I'm challenged both by the commitment to the activity of exercise/strength training and my desire for instant gratification - I haven't magically dropped ten pounds since starting with Kathy, and there's definitely still extra stomach poochage going on. I HAVE lost about 5 pounds (and gained muscle weight, for sure) and my shape is visibly changing, but it's been and continues to be a process and I feel like I'm really earning whatever is happening. so, I have to cheerlead a little and push to keep on keepin' on.

Kathy also turned me onto the clean eating diet, which I mentioned before. I've been fairly committed to it, and mgb and I both have had a positive experience with it. in a nutshell, clean eating shoots for the following (from the front of the April/May CE magazine):

eat five or six times a day - three meals and two to three small snacks, attempting to include a lean protein, plenty of fresh fruit and veggies, and a complex carb at each meal. the goal: to keep your body energized and burning calories efficiently all day.

drink at least 2 liters of water a day - which is one of the hardest things for me, personally. they also hope you choose to drink it out of something reusable and environmentally-friendly. I recently bought a Brita water bottle, and am hoping to do better.

get label savvy - clean foods contain just one or two ingredients. in short, try to avoid the things with ingredients you can't pronounce, or that look like they need a ton of artificial fortifying.

avoid processed and refined foods - such as white flour, sugar, bread, and pasta. enjoy complex carbs such as whole grains instead. the big deal here is that we just try to choose better bread and pasta choices - there are lots of sprouted/whole grain options, so I don't feel deprived of my bread/pasta loves.

know thy enemies - steer clear of anything high in saturated and trans fats, anything fried, or anything high in sugar.

shop with a conscience - consume humanely raised and local meats. we try when we can, but budget/etc doesn't always allow for this.

consume healthy fats every day. olives, avocados, olive oil, etc. would fall here.

learn about portion sizes and work toward eating within them.

reduce your carbon footprint - eat produce that's seasonal and local. we love to shoot for this, obviously.

limit alcohol - make it a rare indulgence. this one is SO easy for me. :P

slow down and savor. food tastes best when it's savored. enjoy every bite.

take it to go. pack a cooler so you always have clean eats on the go. I got the insulated bag below from Marshall's and am still trying to get into the habit of packing it in the morning when I've got a full day. BUT, when I do, it's really great and I love that I don't have to think about where to pick up food between sessions/appointments.

make it a family affair - food is a social glue that should be shared with everyone!

things I like about it:

no calorie counting. it's most definitely a lifestyle, not a short-term weight loss plan.

supports ideals we already are attracted to - eating locally, eating fresh

I do feel better and more level energy-wise.

no food categories are off-limits, and you can choose to cheat where you wish... though I find myself not being as attracted to sugar and questionable food as I was, so I don't really pine to cheat. plus, if I eat something processed now I can feel it, and it's not particularly pleasant. pizza is probably my favorite cheat food right now, but if we make it at home it's still not THAT bad...

challenges:

planning meals/snacks requires more attention than I'm used to giving to my own daily care. I plan for the baby's outings, but can easily leave the house without my water bottle/snack/meal and not give it a thought.

remembering to shoot for the lean protein/complex carb/fruits/veg mix is requiring me to learn what all of those things are.

actually remembering to eat every 2.5-3 hrs. for example, we blew it this morning on breakfast by, oh, not eating it at all. major no-no, since now our bodies have to go forth unfueled and our metabolisms haven't been prompted into action for the day.

so far, I'm into it. I feel like it incentivizes us to eat the way we want to, anyway, and isn't rigid to the point of being too hard to incorporate into our lives right now. as far as what it costs, the jury's out on how or if it's affected our food budget. last month we were a little nuts with what we actually spent, but I'm not at all sure eating clean contributed to that. I'll be able to better tell this month.

in other news, our baby is totally standing by herself and is *this close* to walking. help us.

they're waiting on me so we can, appropriately, go grocery shop. woo-hoo! I feel like it's been so long since I've written anything that gets into what I'm really up to. I'll try not to go so long again.

-m.y.

good friday

this has been a very busy week, which means I enjoyed today so, so much. so much! after breakfast and a few errands, I had my first meeting with a new personal trainer and then took meggy-boo out for the day to meander around in this pretty weather and do a bit of shopping. what a delicious day off!

this one's a bit blurry but it shows one of the baby's favorite daily activities, which is removing the books from the bookshelf.

'reading' in her room. this is 'The Awesome Book of Thanks' the Mohs gave us:

I confess that I didn't get the most stellar Raggedy Ann photos this month, but we'll make do. here's magz & ann with 2 favorites... the white blanket and our learning kitchen:

seriously, she loves this blanket. we let her fall asleep with it, then sneak in and remove it from the crib...

why do people feel the need to do things like put bunny ears on their babies?

I mean, the babies couldn't care less. in fact, they're wondering why you're seemingly freaking out and waving the camera around after putting some weird fuzzy thing on their head.

because it's flipping adorable, that's why. and because we can.

my happy girl! I loved spending time with her today. :)

I'm about to start reading The Eat Clean Diet Recharged by Tosca Reno per my trainer's suggestion. I'm a little nervous, but am hopeful that this will all be a really good experience. I was afraid she'd encourage me to go on a stringent diet or cut all carbs or something (which frankly I don't think I could do) but this essentially looks like a whole foods meal plan - eat proper portions of lean proteins and complex carbs, good veggies and grains, 5-6 smaller meals a day, cut all processed things and sugars. Kathy said that 80% of my success will be from what I choose to put in my mouth. She also said I've got great muscle tone and was super-positive about what she thinks I'm capable of. Upcoming travel may be a little challenging to navigate, but I can totally do this. I already think about and plan the baby's meals, I just have to give as much consideration to my own!

if she doesn't decide to come on her own in the next few days, our new little niece, Kaitlin, will be born on Tuesday. please pray for my sister-in-law, that everything goes well. we're so looking forward to meeting this baby!

-m.y.

real quick before I go to work.

we've pretty much been hanging around the house for the past few days. baby and hubs have been sick, and the weather got the email and helped effectively carve out delicious home hibernation time. after the baby went to bed one night we watched most of Ghandi, and at the point where Indian men, women, and children were being massacred by English soldiers for the crime of publicly meeting together I lost my mind and started bawling. I cannot bear cruelty. I cannot bear being reminded that babies lose their parents every day, that there are those who would kill the most defenseless among us, that people treat people (and other living things) so thoughtlessly and cheaply. I look at my baby and wonder about her life, and wonder about my own. I want to stop everything and put up a forcefield to repel the evil.

I appreciated very much Ghandi's philosophy, and am still a little challenged to wrap my mind around it. to practice 'non-cooperation', a non-violent civil disobedience, to bring change about... there's nothing passive, wimpy, or safe about that. I mentioned to M last night that, to me, when the people began to really act out their convictions in a civil way, it only served to magnify the sheer brutality of the opposition, the lengths people and powers will go to maintain control whether there's actual cause for violence or not. while performing a cursory search, I found that there are many opposing opinions worldwide about both Ghandi and the philosophy he espoused. I'm glad of the movie, though, for challenging me. What would I do or condone to contain those I want to repress? Is violence part of our natural, God-given makeup to be allowed healthy exercise, or maybe just exercise in arenas we deem 'safe' or 'justified', like video games/sports/politics/religion/the dude who cut me off today? Do we claim an acceptable place for holy violence citing Christ in the temple, or call spiritual maturity the ability to suppress our tendencies to lash out and pursue the path of peace in His name?

and on an entirely different note:

while surfing the 'net this weekend, this post about body image issues for children at cjane (Feb 2 posting) caught my attention, reminding me that I simply must get over my own body issues to help magz grow up as free as possible of unhealthy self-scrutiny. I can happily report that my body seems to be, finally, bouncing back, and I'm so grateful for it.

-my

hello, body. it's me, the lady who steers you around.

today marked my first time back in the gym since the baby doctor told me to lay off exercising. I was honestly nervous, not of working out again - okay, I was a LITTLE nervous about that - but mostly of leaving little M down in the kid's area. what if she screamed the whole time? what if she caught something from the other kids?? as it turned out, the new kid's zone down there is flipping awesome, and the little babies and toddlers have their own separate area full of wonderful swings and things. apparently, Miss E put my baby in one of the swings and she slept until I walked back in the door. plus, seeing those ladies and the number of kids they oversee made me think they know what's what and wouldn't be fazed by mine if she cried...

it felt good to move my body again, and today was the first time I really felt how changed it is. my ultimate goal, aside from losing about twelve pounds, is to get back in the habit of enjoying the ritual of caring for my body and eventually feel strong again. there was a totally comedic moment involving an attempt at sit-ups on a stability ball... my abs are so weak and flabby and my balance is so wonky I totally fell off the side of the ball. oh yes, I'm hott that way. so there's lots of room for improvement! we got good groceries at the store last night, so here's to a new week of moving and making better food choices...

speaking of groceries, the baby melted down at Central Market so we went outside while Daddy finished shopping. as I pushed her in her stroller up and down the sidewalk, she'd calm down and then burst out screaming like she was being skinned alive. oh, the looks I got. it was exhausting for both of us. as I fell asleep last night, I had a vision of doing a timeline of my day. the bare bones of it would look something like this:

- wake up, get the baby up, marvel at her
- spend the next number of hours feeding, burping, changing, lugging baby gear around, and putting her down to sleep
- when she doesn't sleep, troubleshoot by trying out various tricks
- when none of them work, listen to her scream in my ear while I robotically murmur 'I know, I know, it's okay, it's okay...'
- when she does nap, hastily do some laundry/load the dishwasher/take a bath/mindlessly surf the 'net/think about the calls I need to make/cards I need to write/magazines and books I'd like to read/zone out
- by 6p when M comes home, pass her off for awhile and plot the order of feedings/baths/etc. to get her to bed for the night
- maybe get her to bed smoothly, maybe not.
- creep in multiple times to look at her when she's finally asleep to make sure she's breathing and isn't too cold (since she likes to kick out of the blanket). marvel at how long she looks to me now. which makes me want to cry and stop time.

we've been trying to introduce her to a variety of music since she was in utero, but here are a couple of recent clips... these were both taken this weekend as we were setting up our new fun music storage in the den (and ultimately getting rid of the brown wooden shelves):



-m.y.

rest. and a kitchen makeover.

I've currently got my feet propped up and am nursing a nice big glass of water. because the specialist yesterday said that yes, indeed, my amniotic fluid level is low and if I don't rest, drink my 64oz of water a day, and mellow out so that the number comes up she will, indeed, put me on bed rest. BED REST???!!! what tha-! I read a little about low amniotic fluid stuff in my pregnancy books last night and got all kinds of freaked out - which isn't good, kids, because as I wrote to write softly earlier today getting all emotional diverts precious blood away from the uterus, and we're all about sending good ju-ju there right now! the specialist said the baby looks just fine - 3lb 9oz so far and a little below average in size but not a worry given my stature, and her bladder looks totally normal (that can sometimes be one of the culprits of low amniotic fluid). that would mean that the issue is most likely on the supply side so, while I'm not on house arrest or anything, my charge is to practice as much 'leg rest' as I can, drink my H20, and find serenity.

which involves saying no to stuff, like energetic work.

and also encompasses asking for help.

I hit my commercial shoot this morning (easy shoot), cancelled all other work for the day, ran a few errands and met the tub delivery guy at the house, and came home to rest. after an hour or two of 'resting', I got all weepy. I think 'rest' is helping the momentum of things to catch up. and any worries I have. SERENITY NOW!

it's probably best this way. I didn't realize how stubborn I am, but I think I really did need the stern European specialist to give it to me straight. I'm generally very healthy - I'm used to pushing myself and not paying much attention to details, and now I have to be a good mother to myself and this baby, slow down, and put us first. I'm glad I get the chance to possibly turn the numbers around, and I'm SO GLAD we had that ultrasound off the cuff last week! we wouldn't have known anything was amiss!

it's also a very comforting feeling to know I'm getting such good care. these doctors are really wonderful, and we're blessed to have them.

and now, sit back and enjoy a pictorial of our kitchen makeover. it's still not totally finished, as the final cabinet doors are drying, the baseboards haven't made it in yet, and we still have to get lighting fixtures, but the major transformation has definitely occurred.

Before. and this is a cleaned up 'before'.

M scraping up the 2 layers of linoleum:

the floor's been primed:

dishwasher's been installed and countertops are going in:

countertops! and an onion from our yard... more on this later...

the sink is in, too. we got it off of Craig's List... we'll be swapping out the fixtures:

cabinet painting underway:

more cabinet painting underway:

adding wall color:

and painting the floor:

currently, the floor's been finished and all but those cabinets under the sink are in place (we're leaving some off to hold/display bowls and stuff):

our refrigerator looks sort of big, but I promise it fits there. it's so nice - it even makes ice! there's ice in it right now! luxuries.

kitchen looking into the skylight room:

and looking into the dining room... there's the pantry!

we simply couldn't have accomplished all of this without help. here's linda... just look at her, she's a blur of resourcefulness:

and acie, sanding doors!

thank you both. and a pre-emptive thank you for all the help we're going to ask for in the next couple of months.

remember that onion on the countertop way up there? we have them growing wild in the backyard. we discovered this after Antonio came to mow the pasture around our house before we left for Seattle - the poor man's eyes were watering something awful and the entire back yard smelled like onion because he'd just freshly mowed these:



I made potato soup with some. they're great.


in closing, here's a pic of me last Saturday. I was obsessing over the paint in the kitchen and cutting in next to the wet ceiling:



behold. that's a girl who's resting now.

and p.s. I love mikebell the most.

-m.y.

whackadoo dreams.

I was... somewhere... and the baby kept falling further and further down in my abdomen. finally, I said something like, 'look how far down she is!' and decided I just needed to lie down, but after I made it onto my back I felt a shift and suddenly there was a baby's head on my chest - she had apparently fallen out of my body and made it onto my chest, umbillical cord and all. she was big and very genial, and I was all, 'look you guys, I just had a baby! she did come early! she just fell out!' then there was all sort of weirdness, with my mom calling my doctor (she said he told me to 'go to bed and heal with some lemon juice'.... yikes!) and people coming in and out. at one point I announced that her name was _____________ and she could be called ____________, and my mom or M's mom gently told me that it was a boy. I looked down and was totally holding a smiling little boy baby with a pretty small you-know-what, which was apparently why no one picked it up in our sonograms (but I was told it would grow to be normal-sized). the baby also suddenly looked like it had three eyes, but I didn't trust what I was seeing and put him down. I was totally confused. I told M about the baby being a boy, and he acted confused, too, and went into a different room. I think I followed him and we talked about how the baby came before we'd finished the house, and we'd discovered another room that needed to be painted that happened to be our bedroom. I went and found the baby and tried to nurse it, but that was awkward, and I looked at him and tried out a boy name we like and then another I'd never really thought about before. I went to find M again and my cousins told me he was outside smoking (?!!), and I said, 'oh, I need one of those'. we smoked, I think, but then I went back inside and ran into some convention people by the escalators (was I at a convention?!) and told them I'd just had a baby that day and needed to rest. I went and found the baby again, who looked more and more like a doll, and started to get anxious about having to somehow get the, um, other stuff out of my body, and then I'd have to trade all all of the girl things we'd been given and tell people asap before they gave us showers with lots of girl things... and then I woke up.

and felt my belly, and there's still a baby in there. I still think she's a girl, 2 sonograms said so and I'll probably be getting another this week with a specialist to check my amniotic fluid levels and make sure all is well. my doctor thought my levels were a little low at my appointment last Thursday and wants a second opinion just to be safe, but he didn't act freaked out or overly concerned. he did, however, tell me I needed to try to rest and drink more. he didn't give me any specifics so I don't think he meant bed rest or anything, just to generally take it easier. which seemed pretty easy, since we'd just come off of the Seattle trip and all.

so. I'm trying to take lots of breaks, drink more water, and generally stay stress-free. but we have a house to finish and I feel the clock ticking (how is it April 12th already?!), plus I have opportunities to do some work this week with 2 big Cricket gigs, voice work, and on-camera commercial work. I go to Dallas Wednesday for my last trip before the baby comes, and right now I just want it and the long car ride and the long day over and done. I do know that I could turn all of this work down if push came to shove... the self-employed, non-existent-maternity-leave reality I live in just likes to do what I'm able to do while I can, that's all. I'm trying to be good about taking my vitamins and the iron supplement the doctor ordered (I was a little anemic a couple of weeks ago) and stop to sit down more often and refill my water bottle, and always feel like I'm forgetting something.

and then I think what if the baby is running out of fluid in there. and I gulp water and pray.

and on top of that, yesterday was an awkward, distracted day and I just wanted a do-over.

I think I'm a little emotional and just feeling a tad overwhelmed. I might have some long days this week, but nothing that's happening has to be hard or overly taxing if I relax and take great care of myself. so I'd appreciate any prayers for peace and excellent pacing and coping skills this week, as well as the strength to say no or take it easy if I need to.

-m.y.

p.s. we're almost done with our kitchen... pictures to come...

the fear monster is busy...

so the most trying thing about pregnancy for me has definitely been the fear factor - that you could, knowingly or unknowingly, be doing something to harm your unborn baby. I rather unthinkingly quipped on facebook that goat cheese has been a new year's treat for me - we bought some to take to a party last night, and I enjoyed some of the leftovers with my breakfast and as a snack today. it's especially good eaten in tandem with cerignola olives, preferably the black ones.

this might be an appropriate time to mention that I don't post on facebook very much, and this is partially why - I feel that most of the time it's easier to hide out and just live, without commenting on my life or inviting others to. except for, you know, posting all sorts of personal things on this blog, which I still see as a somewhat private place to share and let my hair down with people I have a closer friendship with. I welcome comments here, because there's space and time to flesh things out, and a real person to go to for more conversation. anyway, a relative remarked to my quip that her daughter-in-law's baby doctor said no to bries and soft cheeses and maybe I should check to be sure it was safe, and I quickly assured her that I'm careful to eat only pasteurized products I know the origin of (and, I forgot to mention, only U.S. ones, no international varieties. I did think about going back to amend the comment, and throw in for good measure that goat cheese is something of a treat for me - in case anyone thought I was eating it by the fistful every day - but I thought that might look a little defensive).

of course, I know that there's still potential danger lurking everywhere, and a lot of people choose to avoid even pasteurized soft cheese just to be safe. and, of course, that's fine. and even though I felt perfectly okay indulging in the cheese I carefully selected, here I sit now, with a gnawing worry that maybe, today, my selfish goat cheese desires are hurting my little, apple-sized baby.

from unwittingly taking a few ibuprofen to deal with my tooth situation (the internet says it's 'not the best but okay as long as you're not in the third trimester', I'd never heard anyone warn against it, and it's what I normally take for headaches/cramps... but everyone else apparently knows that it's potentially dangerous and a no-no for pregnant women, so I immediately stopped taking it), to making the switch to 'safe' Tylenol (but for such a long period that I rationed the pills and bargained with my pain, scared that the baby would be hurt and secretly wondering if the moms on the 'net who endured their pain like pioneers rather than introduce anything to their system were better moms than me), to worrying that I might have a tooth infection and, if so, the baby was in jeopardy, to struggling over the decision to get highlights (a client who'd already hired me requested my hair be lighter a day and a half before the shoot, and this was before we'd told anyone - even our parents - about the baby), to sitting in the bathtub and hoping it's not too hot, to drinking decaf (or a cup of the real stuff), to accidentally eating any number of things that later you find out could be awful, there's a lot to get freaked out about and a lot of opinions to sort through. and that doesn't even cover the normal, weird physical stuff that happens all the time, like the twinges you get down below that are most likely things just, um, stretching out, but could be something more serious maybe we should consult the internetz...

I've actively tried to avoid books and articles that could scare me further, opting to shoot for positivity and a certain amount of ignorance rather than obsess about what 'could' be happening inside me - or not. because let's face it... there're already so many unknowns, you don't need help being paranoid... you have no idea what's happening inside you and you mostly pray it's all going alright on it's own.

but that feeling is hard, isn't it... the one where you think you're being judged as a person who doesn't love their baby enough to refrain from whatever it is some choose to refrain from. now, I don't know that that's true at all, the part about others judging me, and it's probably not... but the self-judgement certainly feels true and that's always worse. it's subsiding now as I type, but there for awhile I was awash in goat cheese guilt...

this is just me, but there are some things that comfort me. amazingly, healthy babies have been born for a long time, to healthy people and to ignorant people and to people who abuse their bodies and do all manner of unsafe things. which is certainly no license for crazy, but does give me hope. I'm comforted by my doctor visits, by a strong heartbeat and steady weight gain. I'm comforted by the fact that if we had a child with a problem, we've talked about facing that together and with the knowledge that God is both in control and the giver of blessings and strength. I'm comforted in my growing belly and good general health so far, and don't want an unhelpful amount of fear to kill my enjoyment of this time. I'm also comforted in the knowledge that we're all different, and that we're allowed to do it our own way.

because the truth is, I don't know if I've hurt it. I really hope I haven't. I don't want to, and the prayer I most often ask husband for/speak/think over the baby right now is for protection.

thanks for reading these ramblings. as always, feel free to remark. We're going to have succulent black-eyed peas (for luck) and cabbage (for money) for dinner to uphold tradition, but I feel more viscerally than ever that our 2010 is entirely in the hands of a creator God who is good and has power today to do more than we can ask or imagine, and that's the most comforting and hopeful thing I know.

the great thaw... and other random biznizz.

the 'great thaw' is what's happening to my insides right now. I feel parts of myself softening up and letting go, or coming alive again. yesterday, I spent some time digging up old cds of artists I started listening to nine or ten years ago, when my life started getting turned upside down in the Good Way. I was dating a guy who took me to metro bible study at first baptist church, where I was introduced to various Christian artists like Ginny Owens, Watermark, Bebo Norman, the David Crowder Band, and Nichole Nordeman. it felt a little awkward at the time, because of my propensity to be cheezed out by contemporary, mushy Christian-singing-or-speak (something that still comes up), but the things they were talking about were so right on and needed... I definitely responded to the message of grace, forgiveness, and the transforming call to thankful holiness in the inner parts. neither metro nor the guy were ultimately meant to be lasting for me, but my somewhat starving faith was whetted and my spirit began aching for a place to belong and work itself out. I started to look for a church home of my own, and that's how I ended up with my family at SWC. this is a video someone made to a N. Nordeman song that I listened to over and over back then:



I'm not sure how the hardness, or whatever it is, grew up over parts of me during the past few years. the effects are easier to see... less depth in the things I've fed myself, less prayer, more fear and anger, less worship, less seeking to know God, less creativity and expression of love, less grace for others, and awkward prioritizing. everybody has their mountaintop experiences and valleys, I know, but as I find myself scaling the side of the a cliff again I'm reminded of how much more right this feels, to feel compelled to reach for something higher.

**********


I'm finding myself becoming more and more respectful of the plight of farmers in our country as I continue to work my way through B. Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. man, the work it takes to grow a big garden! I look forward to more hands-on learning in our future. one of the most apparent changes in my attitude continues to be a watchfulness for local produce and such, wanting to support the Texas agri-industry. I've been buying Lactaid for years - not that I know I'm lactose-intolerant, but I had a bad experience with a bowl of cereal on a hot day years ago, and since I don't drink a lot of milk anyway I just went with Lactaid and it stuck. this was the Texas milk option we found that also happens to be growth-hormone free and all, and so far I think we're happy with the switch.

I also baked up some eggplant fries last night, my desire for more of the vegetable fueled by ms. mcD's yummy eggplant parmesan - or is it parmigiana? - the other night. if you like eggplant, by all means give this a try as a fun snack or side. I just peeled and sliced up the eggplant, threw them on a baking sheet with some olive oil, salt and pepper, and baked away, flipping them halfway. I was experimenting a bit, but I think 400 degrees for about 30 -35 minutes should do the trick... ours were better when they cooked longer, 'til they were getting just a little crispy around the edges. tasty, no lie, and high in fiber!

there's a head of local cabbage in the 'fridge that I'm currently eyeing... what to do with you, cabbage-head... (kids in the hall reference, anyone?)

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I got the results back from my yearly physical, and am happy to know that the numbers show a physically healthy person. I won't lie, I would like to look a little different, but that's this year's goal - not to 'weigh less', but to move my body more. my eating isn't out of control, I just have a pretty sedentary life currently. even my work involves a lot of sitting for long periods of time, and the clues all point to my metabolism slowing down a little as I'm awesomely advancing in years. so, that means I need to move my bootie.

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I sometimes just delete the daily reflections that come to my inbox without even reading them, but I opened today's and thought, 'right on!'.

WHERE DID I GET THE IDEA that worship must always be restrained, quiet, and dignified?
Throughout my long life, you have showered me with blessing upon blessing.
Today I will not withhold the praise you deserve.
Awaken the passion that I’ve kept tucked away for a rainy day.
It’s all about you, Lord. Not me — but you.
Before I get out of this chair, I will lift my hands and say aloud the Lord’s Prayer.
Today I will consider what all those words mean.
I will sing a hymn of praise while I comb my hair and put on my socks.
I will not wait for another day.
I will make a joyful noise!

- Missy Buchanan
Living with Purpose in a Worn-Out Body

From pp. 19-20 of Living with Purpose in a Worn-Out Body by Missy Buchanan. Copyright © 2008 by the author. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission of Upper Room Books.

to whoever's reading this... I wish good things for you today.

-m.y.

the day stretches before me...

and so far there is no official worky-work on the agenda. that could change, but I'm hoping it doesn't. I plan to work out, finish my second scarf, do a little housework, and maybe go to the apple store and bring home iLife '09. I've been wanting to put together a wedding video, and would like the sleek new mac stuff to make it...

I finished reading 'In Defense of Food' last night. it really does make you want to plant a garden and make friends with your farmer's market. Food, Inc. will be showing at the Angelika later this month, and features the writer of IDOF and The Omnivore's Dilemma, which I haven't read yet. here's the trailer:



we'll go see it. not that I'm going to turn into a militant granola girl, but I can obviously see the connections being made between what we eat and our health and I certainly like the idea of eating mostly simple, nourishing, real food. just this morning I enjoyed a new peanut butter we picked up on our last shopping trip... the label reads 'Ingredients: Peanuts.' :) how very peanutty! it's good, too, understandably not as sweet as I'm used to but still rich in taste. compare that to Peter Pan's Reduced Fat Creamy (30% less fat)... I usually get the Crunchy version of this brand: 'Ingredients: Peanuts, Corn Syrup Solids, Soy Protein, Sugar, Salt, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oils (Cottonseed and Grapeseed), Minerals (Magnesium Oxide, Zinc Oxide, Iron Phosphate, Copper Sulfate), and Vitamins (Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid).'

some things I would like to plant and grow someday:

rosemary
thyme
basil
spinach
tomatoes
okra
squash
cantaloupe
peppers
berries

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picture-sharing time! let's start with the dog.

this first one I like to call 'repose':



we went to the park a couple of weekends ago, closed off the baseball field, and let him run around off the leash for awhile:



and then he got all his hair cut off last Friday. muuuuuuuuch better for summer. the vacuum cleaner wheezes a hairy thank you. notice how dramatic this first shot came out... he acts like getting his picture taken is painful:





mom hasn't fixed her hair yet today. he's still sad about having to take more pictures.



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we went to a potluck cookout last weekend at the E's house, and I was captivated again by their charming home. they just put in the grill area - my favorite thing was the drop in cooler. LOVE IT. here's more of my extended family as we enjoy good food and each other:















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I think I'll go ahead and head to the park for a nice workout - it could rain later in the day. my body remains resistant to the exercise, but I'm the boss of her and we have Galveston beach party the end of this month and Disney World beach times next month. I have no goal of perfection - whatever that is - before either of those outings. I just want to be able to enjoy myself and not be self-conscious about my body, and when I'm working out I feel strong and at my best. confession: I used to be super-self-conscious of my legs, because they're so white and I have varicose veins. I forget where we were, but my niece once pointed to some of the red/purple squigglies, gave me a concerned look, and said "ouch". I assured her they didn't hurt aunt lulu, but the truth is I'm still sensitive about them, in a way... you won't often catch me wearing shorts in public, and if I AM wearing them they likely come down to just above my knees. But really, I consider that as much good fashion sense as anything else... my thighs aren't the most attractive part of my body so I like to dress them to their best advantage. BUT... when I'm going to the beach, I don't want to be bothered with such silliness. God has given me legs that work and a body meant to move around, and I want to walk in the sand and run and play without meanly critiquing and comparing myself to others every 5 minutes.

have a good one, all!

-m.y.