seven

first off, I will never watch that movie again. remember 'seven'? yeah, I watched it ALONE in my duplex on Bedford St. when I was in grad school in Baton Rouge, and distinctly remember getting no sleep that night. I stayed up, bug-eyed and twitchy, in the living room, armed with a really heavy pot and a kitchen knife just in case any crazies were, you know, AFTER ME.

but TODAY, I'm talking about an entirely different 'seven'. as in seven years. since my life took a very good, positive turn. I mean, some big changes had already been underway prior to August 18 2003, but this anniversary is an easy one to point to and think, 'a-ha! I remember when that happened!'

the other night after dinner with friends, one of them paid me such a compliment. I'll get the actual verbiage wrong, but he essentially said that he can't imagine me as anything other than I am now, which is relatively 'good'. I explained that I've always been relatively 'good', especially in passing or in a certain light, but the truth is that back then I was just more compartmentalized and some of those compartments were highly suspect. they were easy to rationalize and conveniently hide away for a long time, but my moment of truth - or series of them, I suppose - started happening when the walls between my compartments began showing themselves to be paper thin and crumbly, and trying to conceal what was going on next door became very, very hard. plus, it all started to just feel really bad and I was tired, tired and uncomfortable and scared enough to want to change. which is why I will always be a proponent of allowing people the dignity of crashing and burning if that's what it takes, as change oft-times seems to only come for some of us when we feel extraordinarily pinched in our circumstances.

this year is a little different, as it's my first birthday to experience as a mother. hubz and the baby came with me to my meeting to celebrate with me, and it was so good to have them there and see my extended family coo over Magz. when those people met me I was in such a different, puffy place - with my nutty life, poor dating choices, etc. the idea that I would marry a man who loves the Lord and have a baby and own a home and be so connected with a faith community and on and on was just... well, fairy-tale sounding. a lovely idea that happened to other people, and now that it's my reality the only proper thing to do is respond with as much gratitude and humility as I can remember to muster. I'm no different or better than anyone else walking the planet (as is evidenced by how easy it is for me to forget to be thankful), and I'm pretty sure God brought all of this about to teach me about things like strength in weakness, honesty, the power of confession, the necessity of community and accountability to personal growth, and that He really is Able like the songs say.

I can't help but consider how I'm going to communicate what I've learned to my daughter. I mean, enough time has passed that I regularly forget to think of who I was and the things I'm susceptible to (plus others have a hard time believing it anyway), but I can't afford to sweep it under the rug - for myself or my girl - out of embarrassment or shame or an idea that I'm SO beyond it. practically, she'll have to be honestly and plainly told that she's likely inherited a propensity to addictive behavior, and she'll have to be on her guard. I can't say, 'alcohol is evil and God says good Christians don't drink ever never!', because I don't find it biblically true. I feel very strongly that we shouldn't villainize or lend it any more mystique than it already has for people coming of age, and I sincerely hope as Magz grows up that our brothers and sisters who choose to drink normally and responsibly are able to provide the healthy and biblical example of moderation that I can't. One of the things that was important for me was to actually see other adult believers enjoying alcohol responsibly - the differences that stood out were a) it was on occasion... not, like, every day, b) they didn't lose control and do stupid, dangerous stuff , c) they chose to have a drink or two and were done (and sometimes didn't even FINISH their drink. what the??), and d) they didn't get drunk. OH. huh, I said. really? it was an important witness and comparatively demonstrated in no uncertain terms that what I was doing was way, way different. apparently, hiding a beer outside in the plant so you can sneak out and have an extra in case people are counting how many you've had (they weren't) is a sign of paranoia. oh, and a drinking problem. I pray we can be diligent and arm our daughter with information and guidance about this and other things sure to come up, to the point that she rolls her eyes at us and groans 'I KNOW!' in that exasperated way they do. I pray God protects and keeps her always, and gives her strength and help. I pray she runs to Him when she crashes and burns.

I'm terrible at resolutions, but I have a few broad ones for this next year. I hope to be drawn back into relying on God more, talking to Him, being hungry for better things, leaving things that don't help behind for good. I hope to be a better wife for my husband, and to practice grateful living and generosity. I'm so thankful that the quality of my problems is so much higher than it used to be, and really hope to learn to live in such a way that God, not me, gets the glory for this life.

-m.y.

tonight...

I am loving this song, over and over and over.





I'm thankful for a day that involved M getting to New Orleans safely, the first wearing of my UGGS this season, a breakfast of sugary beignet and cafe au lait from Crescent City Beignets, an afternoon of rest. AND... I am reminded of why I'm so grateful for programs with steps to work and people to drink coffee and journey with. it sounds like a horribly judgemental thing to say - I write that thinking that maybe by acknowledging my judgement I'm absolving myself of it, heh, I kill me - but really... the crux of it is that I think everyone should be so fortunate as to be in a program. I'm not kidding. not that I wish addiction or insanity on anyone, but to me recovery is about living as a human being, walking around and dealing with your world and changing to meet it, or not. and we all do that, and we all falter at some point and could stand some confession, humility, perspective, and good, trusted company. and that's what I have. excellent, quality company, fearless and gentle and flawed and family. the quality of both the people in my life and that of my problems has only increased over time, and for both I'm on-my-knees-grateful to you, God.


and now, because it's just great, here's a video of a high school performing a Mates of State song in six-part harmony. I adore it.



for the 'real' verson, go here. we love this band.

what a wonderful day.

it's been full of rest and togetherness with my husband, and I have literally felt my spirit slow down, breathe deep, and melt a little. sleeping late, breakfast brought to me in bed, doing chores with M, music and conversation in our house, reading together in the library, riding with him on a quick work errand, seafood dinner and idle bookstore browsing, a good meeting tonight. the components of this day have been a sweet sweet gift from God directly to my heart and I can do nothing but thank Him, especially for the husband who serves and teaches me so lovingly and thoughtfully.

there are "promises" mentioned in some 12-step literature, and they came to my mind today... this is how it reads:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.


Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

A.A. p83-84


I don't think that programs of this sort promise a magic cure, just as the Christian life does not equate to prosperity or freedom from sin or trouble. I am, however, convinced of the paradigm that if one believes that God can accomplish all things and does, asks Him for help, steps out in faith, accepts the help and support of others, and attempts to walk in greater wisdom, the choices that result often bring with them blessings only dreamed of before. in my own life, it's clear now that many of the things I have chosen to let go of left unexpected spaces in which God could move in ways I couldn't see before, and given me new opportunities and new choices, new directions in which to take my thoughts and my life. the hardship - well, one of them, anyway - is that ANYTHING can fill these spaces, the good, the unhelpful, and the bad. how very Luke 11, right? ""When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first." (v. 24-26) so true. sometimes I find myself in shallow water again, trying to get through the reeds and seaweed that entangles out to calmer, deeper water where the bigger things can happen, where I can allow myself to be further grown and changed. I feel I'm either preparing to or am in the process of turning a new page, and find myself yearning to be free of stagnant, muddy water.

this day was magical and healing for me, a sunlit love-note. a scene I could have only hazily, longingly dreamed about 6 years ago. I'm so very grateful.

silver platter

I have effectively had my butt handed to me the past couple of weeks. Only I really know what that means, but it has to do with anger and fear and control. As I grow older, I really enjoy seeing changes as they've occurred in my life over time, especially behavioral changes. Which is why it's very pointed when I find myself back in old ruts of thinking. Boo on that. What strikes me this time around is how exhausting it is to be stuck obsessing about the actions of others, how drug-like anger is and how easily it takes hold. Whenever I feel this way, it always seems accompanied by the choice to either insert myself into the other person's situation or completely withdraw, and I sway between the two, wondering which is the best way to walk. These days, I tend to stay right where I'm at, stewing but trying to carefully avoid missteps and allow time and God to work things out. Which is progress, but it's still damaging to my insides, the stew of stubborn thoughts and feelings. I do know that there is a third option... something people close to me like to call 'detachment'. From coping.org:

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.


I would very much like to follow this pattern of relationship, as I think it is the most loving to everyone at the end of the day. While the word 'detachment' sounds cold and aloof, those are the last adjectives I would use to describe my comrades who seek to practice it.

*****

I am reading!! Seriously, it's something to cheer about. I began life as a voracious reader, and in the past five years have fallen off to the point that I honestly believe my vocab/memory/concentration skills have atrophied. I read our 242 assignment, Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore, last weekend - it was FANTASTIC - and have moved on to C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce. I'm thankful to feel my brain pulling abstract thoughts together again, to be pulled into a story. It does feel like training a bit, though - my mind wants to wander. or skip the descriptive stuff to get to the plot point. training.

Speaking of training, my husband pulled a very grumpy me from the warm bed this morning to go for a chilly walk/run in our nearby park. We began the 'Couch-to-5K' running plan... which essentially starts by telling you to alternate walking and running 90 to 60 seconds each for 20 minutes. I would love to be able to report that I feel the glow of accomplishment, but the truth is my legs itched from blood rushing into still slumbering and sluggish veins, my feet felt like lead, and I now have a headache. I'm glad I was pushed to do it, though. My body isn't happy with me, and I miss feeling more centered and connected to it.

*****

We saw Quantum of Solace last night. We heard from LontheGrill and her hub that they were a tad confused about the plot, so we watched the last 20 minutes of the first one to brush up before heading to the movie theater. We thoroughly enjoyed it... so action-packed!! and I'll say it... D. Craig is a fine, fine man.

*****

from The Great Divorce:

"What do you keep on arguing for? I'm only telling you the sort of chap I am. I only want my rights. I'm not asking for anybody's bleeding charity."
"Then do. At once. Ask for the Bleeding Charity. Everything is here for the asking and nothing can be bought."

treasure box

I made this box at a youth retreat in Brenham.  it was one of the first outings/volunteer things I did with my church, years ago.  at that point, many of the younger girls thought I was really cool, even though I hadn't really done anything to deserve such high thinking.  if I remember correctly, I was in charge of organizing a craft for the retreat, so I went to Hobby Lobby and found these boxes, some buttons, lentils and beans, macaroni, and glue and hoped they wouldn't think it was too lame.

I don't remember what my box housed before, but in the past few years it has become the keeper of some of my most quietly prized possessions... my sobriety chips.

chips are handed out incrementally... there's the desire chip, or the 24-hr chip, for the person who wants to make a change and not drink/drug/act out for 24 hrs, 1 month, 2 month, 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, 1 year, 18 month, and then yearly.  some people go to many different meetings, and end up with multiple chips for each milestone collected at the various meetings.  So far, I mostly attend my home meeting only, so I have one of each... except the 1 year.  in addition to the one I picked up, my sponsor gave me hers as a token, as did an older woman at the church who'd quietly been in program for years.  so I have 3 of those, and they are dear to me.  

5 years ago today, August 18, 2003, I quit drinking.  amazing to think about.  there were some who had no idea I had a problem, and some who remained unconvinced because binge drinking and getting drunk is so normal in this society, but only a person knows the truth inside their skin and can choose which way to steer their ship.  that makes me think of a quote I read once that I loved:  a ship sails the direction it's sails are set... not the way the wind blows.  I found 12-step program to be radical in it's simplicity and spirit... that faith can do what we're unable to do for ourselves, and that it leads to action and change that you can see and experience.  while you're walking in this faith you realize that you are not unique - that can be surprisingly hard to swallow - and you share what's happening with others who get it and want only your best.  easy enough, right, especially for people who've been churched all their lives.  confounding and hard to believe when you've been struggling with something you can't seem to shake, no matter how much willpower you throw at it or how many bargains you make with yourself.  anyway, here is my newest chip:

things it represents to me today:  freedom of choice, freedom from shame, fear, and deception, the imperative of honesty, the goodness and mercy God shows to His children, the kindness of Him to give us all sorts of people to help us along, the power of shared experience, the mission to help others and be a safe place of confession, the importance of boundaries, the relief of acceptance.  because of this gift, I have been freed to do things I could barely conceptualize before... I am pretty healthy.  I am a homeowner.  I am in a wonderful, God-centered marriage.  my work has continued to be blessed.  I am dependable.  I am able to be 'known', and know others.

I don't feel that I have lost any privileges - I don't waste time feeling left out or punished around people who are free to imbibe.  I don't want it.  Every so often I'm surprised when a person around me apologizes for drinking in front of me, or shares that they aren't drinking out of respect for me.  It really is a surprise, too, because I forget I'm supposed to be different.  I am free to let people off the hook and allow them their own freedom - I am not tempted by their drinking, and would not ask them to alter their behavior to accommodate me.  I say the following not as a judgement or comparison to anyone else, but if you only knew the relief I feel at not having to engage in that activity, as it shows up in me... the last thing I feel around normal drinkers is envious.  I don't mean to say that I'm not ever tempted - especially with regard to smoking, I hate to say - it's just more apt to show up as a thought when I'm mad or upset or, strangely enough, as a tiny streak of insidious out of the blue possibility when I'm doing something supremely normal, like going to the bank or running errands.  the devil does push-ups, people, and he knows that the best way to get to me is though my own mind and justification, and my proven ability to hide from people. 

I'm going to resume the habit of carrying my chip in my purse, along with a resentment chip R from group gave me way back when I was having trouble letting go of things.  I had never heard of such a thing.  she explained that it had been given to her in one of her meetings, that whenever my resentments and things came to mind I could think about/look at/handle this chip to remind me that it was poison, and to turn it over to God.  I chose to put it in this box along with my most current sobriety chip, which makes a lot of sense to me as holding onto resentments is a great way to stay mentally and spiritually stuck... and we're all about progress here.

 

I thought I would end this post with some Bible verses that have significance to me.  I went to biblegateway to find one doing word search, and just read the 63 Psalm again for what feels like the first time in years.  stunning and teary how things come flooding back.  I remember clinging to some of these words, late at night in my purple bedroom, when I hadn't found a way out yet and was crumbling under the weight of sadness, fear, and a profound tiredness. 

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

I'll wrap today with these words of Jesus from Luke chapter 4:

The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

yay, freedom!  that's for US, all of us!  and now I'm off to live in it, just for today.  =)

home sweet home

Coming back from Dallas late last Friday was like getting to take off your pants and put on sweats after eating too much at a buffet.  I made my way back down 45, marathon-ing podcasts to make the miles pass faster, walked into my house around 10pm, and 'hhaaaaahhhh'... breathed the breath that only happens when you come home to your safe space.  The house looked so good to me - and we've been through so much with this place that those words, that sentiment, means a great deal.  My sweet husband had dinner ready... baked chicken, cheesy bacony crispy-smashed new potatoes, asparagus with a bit of butter.  The food was a drug... when I'm away recording for hours on end every day, I tend to feed on Luna bars, english muffins with honey, soup in a box (better than it sounds!), microwave popcorn, trail mix, the occasional string cheese and triscuit, and whatever else is easily transported from hotel room to studio to studio throughout the day.  So I stuffed myself with my husband's substantial food love offering, as well as a bowl of brownie and ice cream the dear man brought me.  And then we did what any newlywed couple who've been away from each other for four days would do... we laid intertwined on the sofa and hit the DVR to catch up on So You Think You Can Dance.  That Cat Deely is the best show host ever and Mary Murphy absolutely slays me.    

The next morning, while I was helping to throw a baby shower for a friend, my renter called to let me know that last week's storms had split one of the trees by the house, and limbs were hanging precariously.  A shot of anxiety up my spine... the pressure to diagnose the situation, find the solution, find a good tree-man offering a good deal, address everything asap like a good homeowner, etc.  Then I had a second thought - 'Call your husband.  Ask for help.'  Asking for help began as "Honey, I'm headed to the house after the shower - can you find me a couple of Tree Guys to call?" and ended as, "Yes, I would love it if you could go over there as soon as you can and check it out."  The next thing I knew, the issue was addressed, a reliable Tree Guy was called, and everything was copacetic by  lunchtime.  For a girl whose been single and independent for such a long time, who'd sooner walk a mile in flip flops than ask for or rely on others for a ride, having a husband like mine and learning to share my life with him is one of the best and most gratitude-inducing things that's ever happened to me.  Oh, and to smack the cherry on top of my gratitude, he went and made us the most decadent lunch ever... crunchy fish sticks with shells and cheese.  served in a fish plate (see awesome photo that begins this blog).  The third grader in me was in heaven and had to take a nap afterward. 

Other things I thought upon my return home:

My cat has never had it so good... hubby plays with her as if she's a kitten and, after living outside for so long - because I always had housemates that were allergic to cats - she happily basks in the attention.

My dog is happy.  He can be sensitive, and has been known to not eat when I leave town.  I used to hire housesitters to stay at my house and take care of him, but now that he always has a 'parent' around he just seems to be a happier and better adjusted animal.  I've had these babies for a looong time... my cat is over 13, my dog will BE 13 in September... and I'm grateful that my husband is such a good dad to them.  

In short, we're all a great deal better off since meeting this man.

***************************************

Snaps to me for baking both banana bread AND a strawberry blueberry cobbler yesterday afternoon.

***************************************

I'm incredibly thankful for my experience with 12 stepping.  I'm convinced that most, if not all people would benefit greatly from program precepts, and the people I know who're walking in recovery blow my mind with their wisdom, general happiness, stability, sanity, and serenity... some of the other attributes I appreciate most in meetings are the spoken honesty, humility of spirit, and the respect and acceptance that is shown people regardless of their situation.  In those rooms, there is freedom from judgement - not only feeling the acceptance of others in the room toward me, but being free to accept them in turn without inner comment or comparison.  Which is rare.  As one older woman likes to say..."No one in this room will ever want me to fail."  And it's that palpable spirit that keeps so many of us coming back - to put one foot in front of the other toward spiritual progress, to drink in the support and gratitude that comes from shared experience and struggle and total freedom to be who we are.  My therapist once said that AA is what the church should be, and I understand what she meant.  I was lucky - I had a therapist, a supportive church and immediate family, a job with plenty of money... I've become aware of situations of those battling addictions who have no hope, no faith, no self-respect, no desire, no concept of how to live without a drug or a drink... I cannot imagine how they will find recovery, but I pray that somehow God leads them toward freedom.  I am so grateful to God for His goodness to me.

***************************************

Bitterness is grody, and thinking negatively about people turns my insides into a nasty blender of thoughts and emotions that, frustratingly, a part of me really enjoys.  I can literally conjure drama and feed on it, get completely pissed off and use the pets as my audience to really tell off so-and-so... gross.  I feel the poison of it, and I know it intellectually, but it can be a hard emotional habit to break.  God, help me think the best when I can and when I can't... to detach, do the next right thing, and let people off the hook.  

now to walk the walk...