treasure box

I made this box at a youth retreat in Brenham.  it was one of the first outings/volunteer things I did with my church, years ago.  at that point, many of the younger girls thought I was really cool, even though I hadn't really done anything to deserve such high thinking.  if I remember correctly, I was in charge of organizing a craft for the retreat, so I went to Hobby Lobby and found these boxes, some buttons, lentils and beans, macaroni, and glue and hoped they wouldn't think it was too lame.

I don't remember what my box housed before, but in the past few years it has become the keeper of some of my most quietly prized possessions... my sobriety chips.

chips are handed out incrementally... there's the desire chip, or the 24-hr chip, for the person who wants to make a change and not drink/drug/act out for 24 hrs, 1 month, 2 month, 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, 1 year, 18 month, and then yearly.  some people go to many different meetings, and end up with multiple chips for each milestone collected at the various meetings.  So far, I mostly attend my home meeting only, so I have one of each... except the 1 year.  in addition to the one I picked up, my sponsor gave me hers as a token, as did an older woman at the church who'd quietly been in program for years.  so I have 3 of those, and they are dear to me.  

5 years ago today, August 18, 2003, I quit drinking.  amazing to think about.  there were some who had no idea I had a problem, and some who remained unconvinced because binge drinking and getting drunk is so normal in this society, but only a person knows the truth inside their skin and can choose which way to steer their ship.  that makes me think of a quote I read once that I loved:  a ship sails the direction it's sails are set... not the way the wind blows.  I found 12-step program to be radical in it's simplicity and spirit... that faith can do what we're unable to do for ourselves, and that it leads to action and change that you can see and experience.  while you're walking in this faith you realize that you are not unique - that can be surprisingly hard to swallow - and you share what's happening with others who get it and want only your best.  easy enough, right, especially for people who've been churched all their lives.  confounding and hard to believe when you've been struggling with something you can't seem to shake, no matter how much willpower you throw at it or how many bargains you make with yourself.  anyway, here is my newest chip:

things it represents to me today:  freedom of choice, freedom from shame, fear, and deception, the imperative of honesty, the goodness and mercy God shows to His children, the kindness of Him to give us all sorts of people to help us along, the power of shared experience, the mission to help others and be a safe place of confession, the importance of boundaries, the relief of acceptance.  because of this gift, I have been freed to do things I could barely conceptualize before... I am pretty healthy.  I am a homeowner.  I am in a wonderful, God-centered marriage.  my work has continued to be blessed.  I am dependable.  I am able to be 'known', and know others.

I don't feel that I have lost any privileges - I don't waste time feeling left out or punished around people who are free to imbibe.  I don't want it.  Every so often I'm surprised when a person around me apologizes for drinking in front of me, or shares that they aren't drinking out of respect for me.  It really is a surprise, too, because I forget I'm supposed to be different.  I am free to let people off the hook and allow them their own freedom - I am not tempted by their drinking, and would not ask them to alter their behavior to accommodate me.  I say the following not as a judgement or comparison to anyone else, but if you only knew the relief I feel at not having to engage in that activity, as it shows up in me... the last thing I feel around normal drinkers is envious.  I don't mean to say that I'm not ever tempted - especially with regard to smoking, I hate to say - it's just more apt to show up as a thought when I'm mad or upset or, strangely enough, as a tiny streak of insidious out of the blue possibility when I'm doing something supremely normal, like going to the bank or running errands.  the devil does push-ups, people, and he knows that the best way to get to me is though my own mind and justification, and my proven ability to hide from people. 

I'm going to resume the habit of carrying my chip in my purse, along with a resentment chip R from group gave me way back when I was having trouble letting go of things.  I had never heard of such a thing.  she explained that it had been given to her in one of her meetings, that whenever my resentments and things came to mind I could think about/look at/handle this chip to remind me that it was poison, and to turn it over to God.  I chose to put it in this box along with my most current sobriety chip, which makes a lot of sense to me as holding onto resentments is a great way to stay mentally and spiritually stuck... and we're all about progress here.

 

I thought I would end this post with some Bible verses that have significance to me.  I went to biblegateway to find one doing word search, and just read the 63 Psalm again for what feels like the first time in years.  stunning and teary how things come flooding back.  I remember clinging to some of these words, late at night in my purple bedroom, when I hadn't found a way out yet and was crumbling under the weight of sadness, fear, and a profound tiredness. 

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

I'll wrap today with these words of Jesus from Luke chapter 4:

The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

yay, freedom!  that's for US, all of us!  and now I'm off to live in it, just for today.  =)