what's 'good enough'?

I got back from my Saturday night gathering a little while ago, and am still buoyant from being there. the topic tonight was about settling for less than perfection - knowing when to call it a day and say that, whatever it is, is 'good enough'. this REALLY resonated with me right now, and it seemed that from the get-go the meeting was all about reminding me of what's what:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I don't feel I'm doing anything very perfectly right now. I'm not unpacking and decorating my house as quickly as I'd like. I haven't finished my breastfeeding books, or found birds to go on the nursery walls yet. or made the curtains. though I think I've finally settled on fabric! but I haven't bought it. I haven't packed my hospital bag. my car is a wreck - if we tried to bring a baby home in it right now she'd be covered with dog hair before we pulled out of Methodist. I'm not done with my thank you notes. my to-do list grows and grows, and I'm accepting that I may not actually get caught up until next year.

Lest you think I'm looking for some sort of reassurance that this is normal, let me just tell you that I know, and it's okay. I mean, I do know some of these things need to get done, and some of them eventually will... with varying degrees of skill and thoroughness, I'm sure. I've been walking the delicate and awkward tightrope of unpacking/everyday living and errands/work/rest & water, and I'm very aware that some things have to give depending on how each day goes. my body is betraying the truth of where we are - I'm walking slower, getting up and down is a very thoughtful process, and too much standing sets my left hip on freaking fire. I seem to be constantly reminding myself to drink more water. that part I hope sticks - water really does make you feel better, and trying a sip of diet coke the other day made me want to gag and scrape my tongue.

one of the things I've learned to do is to accept way more help than I'm used to taking. I've always been fairly independent, and have probably taken too much pride in that quality in my adulthood (though it IS something I'm proud of. I really think it's important to know how to take care of yourself). I've been around the block a few times and I know what I like and how I like to do it. there might be a control issue or two there, and boundaries definitely come into play as I try to keep my fence from being crossed by others in ways that make me uncomfortable. having said that, it's impossible to imagine getting through the last few weeks, or experiencing the next few, without a tremendous amount of help. things that might have made me crazy before - like allowing others to put things away for me - suddenly are just a huge relief. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? it turns out I need the thing in this drawer instead of that one, and I move it later. for now, it's good enough, great even.

this is growth. I hope it sticks around post-baby, too.

there was more I wanted to write, but I'm so sleepy. that ice cream sandwich was the perfect nightcap.

-m.y.

lalala, awake at 2am...

pregnancy post alert! don't read any further if you're fed up with baby business!

I've been up for the last 30 minutes, feeling the baby kick and squirm around and my chest burn crazily. oh, heartburn. you foul fiend. thank the Maker for Tums - I prefer assorted fruit-flavor but let's face it, big, chalky buttons of calcium carbonate are only cast as heroes in the face of the persistent villian that is Really Awful Heartburn.

hubz has never had heartburn. something to know about him.

I've had it fairly infrequently during my pregnancy, but this last trimester is taking the cake. other tidbits of note and random thoughts:

I get tired way faster these days. wah-ha-ha-AY.

I've moved many times and consider myself something of a pro, but this time is different. I know it'll all come together and everything important will eventually get packed, but I'm just generally accomplishing things so much slower than normal.

we set a move date! May 17. boo-yah.

I'm a little nervous that I won't get everything unpacked and done to my liking by the time the baby gets here, but what can you do?

the choice of clothes that fit well is dwindling. the things that do fit feel vitally precious to me.

I can't wait to have a few new things. like, um, undergarments. really.

I've totally entered that phase in pregnancy that you read about, where... um... let's just say pantyliners are my friend, everyday. I mean, I've had to use them all along - not for anything scary, just for stuff that any pregnancy book will tell you is normal pregnancy discharge-business with babies pressing down on internal structures - but now there's the lack of control of certain muscles down there to contend with, too, and I pretty much just want to take a shower every 5 hours to start over, fresh. too much information? sorry. I hear it only gets more gruesome and gooey from here on out for me, though.

speaking of, I was reading 'Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy' yesterday about this part of the journey through birth... and it was sobering. really. like, I got a little stirring in my spirit that this is all really happening and it's apparently going to have some really gross, painful parts ahead.

with a baby on the other side!

please, God, help her get here safe.

I've tended to only seek out information as I needed it instead of reading up on everything all at once, which has had it's advantages. disadvantages include feeling a little behind sometimes - for example, I feel like the clock is ticking to learn what I can about breastfeeding. I've got two books waiting to be read about it! I'm still not tripping about sleep schedule schools of thought yet, though. books I've liked the most so far include Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter, Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp (which I actually haven't finished yet, but really like the gist of), What to Expect When You're Expecting and I'm Pregnant - A week-to-week Guide from Conception to Birth (good developmental books), and the later part of the Girlfriend Guide book. honestly, I skipped the first part and went straight to the chapters that interested me, like what to really take to the hospital, what to expect with waters breaking and mucus plugs, and all of the grody insider birthing info I touched on before.

incidentally, husband and I have both noticed that a lot of pregnancy books, stores, and products treat men as though they're completely stupid. one manly, urban, messenger-looking diaper bag we saw even had a checklist printed on the inside for the dad - the top of the list? THE BABY. yeah, don't forget the baby, dude. it's sort of funny, but we also find a lot of the humorous insinuations about dad's-to-be to be pretty insulting.

my ability to obsess is being honed. one of the things that drove me out of bed tonight - besides the burning in my chest - was the burning thought that I wasn't sure where my spa gift card was! what if it's lost?! how will I ever find it?! I should get up now and look for it, no time like the middle of the night!

fyi, it's right behind me on the top shelf of the red knick-knack thingy that I'm pretty sure won't be going with us to Woodfin. with the other gift cards I'm afraid we'll lose in this madness.

the house is looking so good! sorry for lack of pictures, I promise I'll put some up soon. punch list of things to do before the 17th: finish the baseboards for the bathroom, kitchen, and skylight room, touch up some trim, tear out the closet in the garage to make room for the dryer (the current configuration has the washer on one wall and the dryer awkwardly on another with no external exhaust), paint the interior of the garage (this is more a wish on my part), purchase a washer & dryer, clean/pressure wash the siding on the house (totally cosmetic, but the girl needs to wash her face, if you know what I mean). we hope to eventually replace many of the doors inside, build some bookcases, purchase a few furniture/storage pieces, and do a number of other things, but that stuff can happen later. the washer and dryer need is pressing! I have a ton of precious little clothes and things that have to be washed before they can touch our baby!

while I've generally felt pretty well, I do see what all of the women who've done this before talk about with the aches and the discomfort. I'm feeling so much heavier, and I can't help but waddle around. our current laundry area is super-cramped at 406 - easy enough when I had my old body, but this new one does NOT want to fit and my poor belly gets ouchily bumped every time I try to squeeze back there. I do try to stretch frequently - and that really does feel so good! - but this prominent belly can make it super awkward. I feel accepting of this, though - not to sound all Pollyannaish, but I honestly find it all so remarkable and have such respect for how our bodies work and change to sustain and carry life, that even in the weirdness of it all I haven't tread into 'I can't wait 'til this is over' territory yet (though I'm told this phase comes to everyone in the end). case in point, it's now after three in the morning and I don't have it in me to be mad about lack of sleep. I mean, I know this is all fleeting and doesn't last forever, it's happened to millions of other women and they survived, and I'm guessing it's God's way of preparing and toughening us up in different physical, psychological, and spiritual ways for birth and motherhood. plus, there's a part of me that believes my baby (and God) 'hears' what I say, and I want to keep negativity at a minimum and focus on wanting her and the wild blessing of it all. I mean, I'm the girl who, just a few years back, thought family wasn't in the cards for her! plus plus, this all has a great deal to do with self-care and prioritizing, which are lessons I feel I'm constantly trying to learn. listening to your body, trying to be good to yourself, pushing through and doing what you need to do to be good to your baby, even if you don't feel like it... but back to whining a little about discomfort: while I do feel tightness in my lower back, it doesn't hurt near as much as my 'haunches' some days, and sometimes my sweet husband will rub my hips and joints as I hold onto anything and try not to shriek...

tomorrow is Friday! for me, that means more attempts at packing, dropping the dog off for his first haircut of the season, a mound of pages to go read, A NAP, and most likely meeting hubz at Woodfin with dinner as he tackles the punch list with gusto after work. we really are so excited to be over there soon, and we feel good about how everything's been done so far. I got my blow money for the month, and am excited to go purchase some fabric I fell in love with a couple of weeks ago at Glick Textiles. it's not even for the baby's room... I think I'm going to make curtains for our room with it. we'll see. baby room fabric has yet to be purchased, but it's totally on my dance card.

so much to do!

it's all going to be okay.

and please keep my dear friend Write Softly in your prayers today (Friday) - she's going to have her baby! her latest post is so sweet... what great examples of motherhood I have around me!

goodnight. again.

-m.y.

kicking off november thanks...

rather than make some excuse for my lack of blogging insight lately, I'm going to plunge right into a list of current blessings. enjoy this happy song while you read! may there always be joyous public dancing.




to begin... my husband! I know it's hard to hear me blather on about his awesomeness, but really... he's the cat's meow. he's fun and good and takes such great care of us. plus he brought me two presents recently - some killer rubber rain boots that look like riding boots and a darling blue hat - for no reason at all, both of which blew my mind and made me squeal.

work! I had a slow September and October, which was both good and a challenge, and God has been bringing me some really great projects and people in the last couple of weeks to the point where I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm so very thankful for it as well as for the downtime, and more aware than ever that everything comes from Him. I must learn to accept what's given and take it all in stride... I can really be the Queen of Wigging Out when things slow down OR speed up.

Chino! who's so funny and a precious lamb... and even more dear to us since Ripley isn't here.

by the way, I got a very sweet cremation certificate in the mail today from 'Fond Memories Pet Cemetery and Crematorium' today (which is the facility my vet uses to dispose of deceased animals). I sobbed for 2 minutes and then it was over.

Simply Apple Juice! I just can't quit you.



Flexibility! I know it's not a noun, but I'm still so thankful that my life is fairly malleable and people will usually work with me so everyone wins.

Mad Men! you turned out to be a truly wonderful third season. sniff. sorry you didn't make this photo, Betty, but I'm peeved at you right now anyway.



SWC! right now, I feel our church is teaching me ways to serve and develop better interpersonal skills, and I'm grateful for it.

M's homemade stuffing (the recipe was in Cuisine at Home this month)! for real, he even made the herb bread that ended up being toasted to go into the stuffing, and it was the freaking bomb.

Baby Step 3 is ALMOST complete! come on 3-6 month emergency fund, we're almost there...

the 'holidays' are almost here! I totally need family and parties and presents and gift lists and Bing Crosby and general merriment. I want to bake cranberry pistachio biscotti and cranberry coffee cake. I want LC's monkey bread. and Grandma's fudge.

there's more, but I'll stop for now. can't use up all of my praises all at once now, can I? off to record one more radio spot that dropped out of the sky today (thanks again, Lord!).


-m.y.

just a little crazy.

sometimes I tour crazy-land. it's usually a short visit, but it's scandalizing nonetheless... in the 'why am I such a loony loon?!' sort of way.

I know the train has left the station bound for the outskirts of Kuckoo City when I realize something's happened - or perhaps it's something as small as a thought, like "wow, we have 2 hours to grocery shop and get home and put everything away and get to the church for class but I also need to be ready to hit my workshop later 'cause there won't be time after the class and I can't print new resumes 'cause my black ink cartridge is out maybe I can print it in dark blue and they won't notice oh WHY didn't I get up earlier today and there's no coffee either" - those kinds of thoughts - anyway, something happens and, if we define a score of 0 as being 'whatever, it's cool, I'm the most laid-back person you know', I'm at 15. FIF-FLIPPIN-TEEN. Immediately. flustered and mad and mopey. p'raps it could be, oh, realizing that you left your planner on the counter at Randalls 6 hours earlier, after you'd attended a lovely lady's memorial service and were emotionally teetering. the disinterested party answering the phone at the Randall's at 10:45pm says they say they haven't found it and you can't go check until morning. I'm left to fume, imagining having to recreate my milage stats I keep so brilliantly in that one place. wondering if I mistakenly left a bank stub in the planner, if my bank account would be tampered with by a dishonest soul that *could* have my planner. grrrr. my poor husband had to go to sleep next to a stiff, human-sized frown. who's profoundly frustrated at herself and her humanity.

so it makes me mad, these things. I don't like feeling disorganized. I don't like feeling stupid. but I also don't like feeling out of control, and sometimes my emotions really make me their female dog. if you know what I mean. this morning I had a voice over session, and totally put my foot in my mouth in front of the client, mostly because I was just trying a little too hard. and there it was again - 'how stupid are you! mash the edit button before you open your mouth! what must they think - they'll never hire you again. better shut up and hope the rest of the session goes well.' we are sooo mean to ourselves, right? by the time I got home all I wanted to do was eat a plate of nachos and cheese toast.

so this was my Lent meditation for the day:

I FIND THAT FOR ME, the most direct way to healing, transformation, and guidance is to give explicitly to God’s heart each bodily pain, each wave of anger or fear, each embarrassment, each perplexity, each inner confusion, each person for whom I pray. I know God’s heart will take what is offered, hold it, heal it, and transform it into the creative energy it is meant to be.

I am learning to release past hurtful memories, as well as challenging future events, to God’s heart. I am learning to send to that heart my experiences right now: driving, cleaning, phoning, writing, taking a walk, entering a plane, welcoming my family at the door.

- Flora Slosson Wuellner
Miracle: When Christ Touches Our Deepest Need

From pp. 93-94 of Miracle by Flora Slosson Wuellner. Copyright © 2008 by the author. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission of Upper Room Books.


it's nice, isn't it? I claim that idea today, of letting everything pass through me and go directly on to God instead of the bad stuff camping out in my skin. I *know* everyone deals with these feelings, and I really want to be the sort of person who can roll with things instead of being tossed around on the waves of emotional reaction. btw, a nice lady from Randall's did call... they found my planner on the manager's desk. whew. and thank you, God.

before I close this post, I must say how sad I am that Miss Mary is no longer with us. she was dear, and we'll miss her. I was trying to remember her potting soil recipe... I want to say it's 1/2 goat manure 1/2 peat moss with a sprinkling of plant food in the soil... anyway, I admire how she lived her life, and I'm glad she's no longer in pain.

and if this doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will. I totally lifted it from dooce's website.

steam it out!!

there is a very nice man currently giving our carpets and rugs a very thorough, eco-friendly steam cleaning right now. we got a flipping awesome deal for four rooms... maybe now some of the secret fears I've had about germs and spores ever since Ike dumped water in our house last September will relax. though prepping the house for the dude stirred up a lot of dust and stuff that's making us both cough. which triggers the I WILL CLEAN EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE AND MAYBE I SHOULD GET RID OF HALF OF IT SO IT DOESN'T COLLECT SO MUCH DUST AND HIDE UNCLEANLINESS switch. this feeling shall pass. but not before my dustrags have had their say. I had a doctor in Baton Rouge tell me I was allergic to dust... that I needed to dust once a week, and not sleep with the ceiling fan on. it's hot in BR, and fans were sort of important to me, so I just decided I'd have to keep the fans and house clean so it wouldn't matter what was kicked around in the air. I'm pretty sure M thinks it's a load of hooey... he says everyone's allergic to dust.

M: Can Because I Said So's child come over and play?

M.Y.: No. There's too much dust.