just a little crazy.

sometimes I tour crazy-land. it's usually a short visit, but it's scandalizing nonetheless... in the 'why am I such a loony loon?!' sort of way.

I know the train has left the station bound for the outskirts of Kuckoo City when I realize something's happened - or perhaps it's something as small as a thought, like "wow, we have 2 hours to grocery shop and get home and put everything away and get to the church for class but I also need to be ready to hit my workshop later 'cause there won't be time after the class and I can't print new resumes 'cause my black ink cartridge is out maybe I can print it in dark blue and they won't notice oh WHY didn't I get up earlier today and there's no coffee either" - those kinds of thoughts - anyway, something happens and, if we define a score of 0 as being 'whatever, it's cool, I'm the most laid-back person you know', I'm at 15. FIF-FLIPPIN-TEEN. Immediately. flustered and mad and mopey. p'raps it could be, oh, realizing that you left your planner on the counter at Randalls 6 hours earlier, after you'd attended a lovely lady's memorial service and were emotionally teetering. the disinterested party answering the phone at the Randall's at 10:45pm says they say they haven't found it and you can't go check until morning. I'm left to fume, imagining having to recreate my milage stats I keep so brilliantly in that one place. wondering if I mistakenly left a bank stub in the planner, if my bank account would be tampered with by a dishonest soul that *could* have my planner. grrrr. my poor husband had to go to sleep next to a stiff, human-sized frown. who's profoundly frustrated at herself and her humanity.

so it makes me mad, these things. I don't like feeling disorganized. I don't like feeling stupid. but I also don't like feeling out of control, and sometimes my emotions really make me their female dog. if you know what I mean. this morning I had a voice over session, and totally put my foot in my mouth in front of the client, mostly because I was just trying a little too hard. and there it was again - 'how stupid are you! mash the edit button before you open your mouth! what must they think - they'll never hire you again. better shut up and hope the rest of the session goes well.' we are sooo mean to ourselves, right? by the time I got home all I wanted to do was eat a plate of nachos and cheese toast.

so this was my Lent meditation for the day:

I FIND THAT FOR ME, the most direct way to healing, transformation, and guidance is to give explicitly to God’s heart each bodily pain, each wave of anger or fear, each embarrassment, each perplexity, each inner confusion, each person for whom I pray. I know God’s heart will take what is offered, hold it, heal it, and transform it into the creative energy it is meant to be.

I am learning to release past hurtful memories, as well as challenging future events, to God’s heart. I am learning to send to that heart my experiences right now: driving, cleaning, phoning, writing, taking a walk, entering a plane, welcoming my family at the door.

- Flora Slosson Wuellner
Miracle: When Christ Touches Our Deepest Need

From pp. 93-94 of Miracle by Flora Slosson Wuellner. Copyright © 2008 by the author. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission of Upper Room Books.


it's nice, isn't it? I claim that idea today, of letting everything pass through me and go directly on to God instead of the bad stuff camping out in my skin. I *know* everyone deals with these feelings, and I really want to be the sort of person who can roll with things instead of being tossed around on the waves of emotional reaction. btw, a nice lady from Randall's did call... they found my planner on the manager's desk. whew. and thank you, God.

before I close this post, I must say how sad I am that Miss Mary is no longer with us. she was dear, and we'll miss her. I was trying to remember her potting soil recipe... I want to say it's 1/2 goat manure 1/2 peat moss with a sprinkling of plant food in the soil... anyway, I admire how she lived her life, and I'm glad she's no longer in pain.

and if this doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will. I totally lifted it from dooce's website.