interesting article

teens & 'fake' Christianity

what sorts of things are we modeling for the young people we know?

it's all a blur

last week was super-busy, but ended up going off pretty much without a hitch. the hardest time was probably Tuesday - as the day wore on and the shoot went into overtime, every time I thought about Magz at home my eyes would well up. it was the longest I've been away from her, about 6:45a-7:15p, and it was tough. we all survived in the end, but by the time we got back to Houston Thursday night I was BEAT. done. kaput. toothpicks holding up my eyelids. I only had a quick VO session Friday, so I spent the day and weekend resting up and spending a lot of time holding and playing with the baby. aside from the blessing of work, one of the best things about the week was that Magz got to hang out with both of her grandmothers while I was on set Thursday. thanks for riding with us, Grammy, and for meeting us in Austin, Marmee! here're some new photos you can print out for Grandma & Yaya - give 'em a big hug and kiss from us!

hey... what are those things down there??

comeer you stripey rascals!

oh, they're FEET, you say?

hilarious.

being sweet

top 'o the mornin' to ye!

I'm a maniac, maniac...

I'm shocked you're taking another photo.

tummy time, everybody.

oof, my head is heavy.

taking a Saturday afternoon stroll.

playing with mama on Sunday

mama's loving this moment so she took a picture.

concentrated frustration. mama thinks we could harness it and power our house.

maggie's dedication was yesterday at church - it was so sweet. we love SWC. we decided to take this opportunity to snag some family photos:

and husband made this delectable dish for our dinner... chicken, mushrooms. spinach, and some delicious sauce:

the end. for now.

always, sometimes, never

following the example of my friends:

I always:

can think of something else to do around the house

prefer a bath to a shower

carry cash

want a cookie or a carb

need to drink more water

prefer lamps to overhead light

I sometimes:

am terribly hard on myself

cook - M cooks way more, though

need to completely zone out

screen calls because I'm too tired or rushed to talk

drink Nestle Quik - and love it every time

forget to put clothes from the washer into the dryer, and feel guilty wasting water washing them twice

like to drive in silence

I rarely:

follow a recipe to the letter

cuss. wish I could say never.

I never:

look forward to the cardio portion of my workout.

think running is fun.

try to tan

get over being frustrated with drivers who cut in

want to eat raw onions

-m.y.

seven

first off, I will never watch that movie again. remember 'seven'? yeah, I watched it ALONE in my duplex on Bedford St. when I was in grad school in Baton Rouge, and distinctly remember getting no sleep that night. I stayed up, bug-eyed and twitchy, in the living room, armed with a really heavy pot and a kitchen knife just in case any crazies were, you know, AFTER ME.

but TODAY, I'm talking about an entirely different 'seven'. as in seven years. since my life took a very good, positive turn. I mean, some big changes had already been underway prior to August 18 2003, but this anniversary is an easy one to point to and think, 'a-ha! I remember when that happened!'

the other night after dinner with friends, one of them paid me such a compliment. I'll get the actual verbiage wrong, but he essentially said that he can't imagine me as anything other than I am now, which is relatively 'good'. I explained that I've always been relatively 'good', especially in passing or in a certain light, but the truth is that back then I was just more compartmentalized and some of those compartments were highly suspect. they were easy to rationalize and conveniently hide away for a long time, but my moment of truth - or series of them, I suppose - started happening when the walls between my compartments began showing themselves to be paper thin and crumbly, and trying to conceal what was going on next door became very, very hard. plus, it all started to just feel really bad and I was tired, tired and uncomfortable and scared enough to want to change. which is why I will always be a proponent of allowing people the dignity of crashing and burning if that's what it takes, as change oft-times seems to only come for some of us when we feel extraordinarily pinched in our circumstances.

this year is a little different, as it's my first birthday to experience as a mother. hubz and the baby came with me to my meeting to celebrate with me, and it was so good to have them there and see my extended family coo over Magz. when those people met me I was in such a different, puffy place - with my nutty life, poor dating choices, etc. the idea that I would marry a man who loves the Lord and have a baby and own a home and be so connected with a faith community and on and on was just... well, fairy-tale sounding. a lovely idea that happened to other people, and now that it's my reality the only proper thing to do is respond with as much gratitude and humility as I can remember to muster. I'm no different or better than anyone else walking the planet (as is evidenced by how easy it is for me to forget to be thankful), and I'm pretty sure God brought all of this about to teach me about things like strength in weakness, honesty, the power of confession, the necessity of community and accountability to personal growth, and that He really is Able like the songs say.

I can't help but consider how I'm going to communicate what I've learned to my daughter. I mean, enough time has passed that I regularly forget to think of who I was and the things I'm susceptible to (plus others have a hard time believing it anyway), but I can't afford to sweep it under the rug - for myself or my girl - out of embarrassment or shame or an idea that I'm SO beyond it. practically, she'll have to be honestly and plainly told that she's likely inherited a propensity to addictive behavior, and she'll have to be on her guard. I can't say, 'alcohol is evil and God says good Christians don't drink ever never!', because I don't find it biblically true. I feel very strongly that we shouldn't villainize or lend it any more mystique than it already has for people coming of age, and I sincerely hope as Magz grows up that our brothers and sisters who choose to drink normally and responsibly are able to provide the healthy and biblical example of moderation that I can't. One of the things that was important for me was to actually see other adult believers enjoying alcohol responsibly - the differences that stood out were a) it was on occasion... not, like, every day, b) they didn't lose control and do stupid, dangerous stuff , c) they chose to have a drink or two and were done (and sometimes didn't even FINISH their drink. what the??), and d) they didn't get drunk. OH. huh, I said. really? it was an important witness and comparatively demonstrated in no uncertain terms that what I was doing was way, way different. apparently, hiding a beer outside in the plant so you can sneak out and have an extra in case people are counting how many you've had (they weren't) is a sign of paranoia. oh, and a drinking problem. I pray we can be diligent and arm our daughter with information and guidance about this and other things sure to come up, to the point that she rolls her eyes at us and groans 'I KNOW!' in that exasperated way they do. I pray God protects and keeps her always, and gives her strength and help. I pray she runs to Him when she crashes and burns.

I'm terrible at resolutions, but I have a few broad ones for this next year. I hope to be drawn back into relying on God more, talking to Him, being hungry for better things, leaving things that don't help behind for good. I hope to be a better wife for my husband, and to practice grateful living and generosity. I'm so thankful that the quality of my problems is so much higher than it used to be, and really hope to learn to live in such a way that God, not me, gets the glory for this life.

-m.y.

two months and three shots

sometimes hubz thinks I dress the baby like a boy. here's the deal - sometimes it's nice to wear something that doesn't have pink in it. I mean, there are so many fun colors, right?! and they can easily be girlie-fied with headbands or cute pants, right?! granted, we only have one headband bow and it's hot pink. but we could totally bow it up if we wanted to. here's exhibit A of the gender-neutral stylin's I'm referring to (I'll admit that without the pants she could be mistaken for either sex):



and exhibit B, only because she started in her sleep and gave me jazz hands, and I'm not sure how much longer I get to laugh at those:



today was our baby's two month visit to the pediatrician. here's her checking herself out in the mirror (sorry about the crotch shot, Meggy-boo!):

she was positively charming for Dr. B and understandably screamed when she got her shots. she's 9lb 8oz, 21.5 inches, and is in the 25th percentile all the way around. Dr. B. said she's healthy and dandy. he asked if she's on any vitamins (she's not), so we'll be starting a Vitamin D infant supplement (breastmilk is apparently low on D). which brings me to something that's true of who I am - I'm not inclined to take a lot of medicine myself, and am very wary of giving something to the baby that's not doctor authorized. for example, I realize that there are all sorts of gass drops/etc. out there that people use to help babies, but I'm never really sure that gas/etc. is really why she's crying and I'm hesitant to just give her something to make myself feel like I'm mothering. does that make sense? even when Dr. B asked about vitamin supplements my first thought was, 'why would I think to do that, this is my first baby and you didn't tell me to! for all I know, breastmilk is chock full of all the rainbow goodness she needs, right?!' I don't hate medicine, I promise, and I don't want you to think I'm one of the crazies who won't get her baby medical help if she needs it. no snake-handling, healed in the Spirit juju over here, scout's honor. in fact, since we've gotten home she's had a pretty pitiful afternoon - on top of the three immunization shots she got, mama bonked her head on the floor a little when she was trying to take 2 mo photos. thanks, mama, like my day wasn't traumatic enough. jerk. SO, daddy is going to bring us home some pain drops that are safe for leetle baby and mama will hover and cuddle in the meantime.

note the red crayon band-aids - this brave girl was stabbed in the legs with needles today!:

quick note: last night, Magz slept in her crib, in her room, for the first time during the night. she did very, very well, and I wasn't nearly as freaked out as I thought I'd be. our house is small enough that, with the doors open, we could clearly hear her when she cried, and she went right back down after her night-time feedings.

we love you, two-month-old girl. I know we sometimes get frustrated and don't know how best to help you, but we're working on it. at the Saturday meeting the other night, another lady spoke wisdom that mama hopes to practice more, and that's to pray more for you as you grow and learn. I think praying more for you will change my spirit and help remind me to be generous and grateful. so will sleeping more and letting some housework slide a bit. which is tough for me, because A) I sincerely feel better when things are generally clean and B) I fear it just means things will pile up and create a bigger clean up effort for me later. which can make me feel frustrated. but whatever, enough people I respect have said they wish they'd spent more time baby-tending and less time houseworking, so I'll take it to heart.

p.s., I'm so sorry about bonking your head, baby girl, it scares me to think that my carelessness can cause you harm and I just hate to see you hurt. extra mealtime and cuddlings for you today, little missy!

p.p.s.... or is it p.s.s.? while I love the little one, I do have grown up thoughts to share. really. they just haven't made it into writing yet. like yesterday, I was totally reminded over and over again about the everyday helpfulness of the saying, 'take what helps you and leave the rest'. I LOVE that, I really do. it's permission to take into yourself the things that resonate and discard everything that hinders or doesn't ring true... I don't even have to judge and dwell on WHY I want to discard it or where it came from, I simply leave it behind on the side of the road or look right past it and latch onto what's good and helpful. I realize some may perceive this as a cop out of sorts, but I find that practicing 'taking what helps me and leaving the rest' can help keep me out of fruitless conflicts and emotional hot water. other ideas that've been flitting through my mind:

generosity is hard, whether you're talking about things, time, or emotional latitude.

I'm glad I've had people in my life who loved me enough to say the hard things. I'm looking at you, B2, and thanking God for you. for many things, but particularly for a conversation we had over sushi one night years ago.

C.S.'s recent post has made me really want to delve into the topic of community as I've experienced it.

I'm very concerned about the 'narrow road' the Bible refers to and what my life should look like to be counted worthy of traversing it. thinking this through can disturb me, especially as I look sideways at my dusty Bible. the topic of holiness is intertwined with this pattern of thought.

I watched a video of military personnel returning home to their families the other day. twice. and bawled my eyes out both times. I really needed a good cry and it was the PERFECT vehicle. I hate war and wish with all my might that we'd pull out of the one we're currently embroiled in, but I have deep respect for those who serve and the sacrifice their families make. speaking of sacrifice, m.pope from t'afia bloggd recently about victory gardens, and I immediately yearned to have one. hubz and I theorized about contemporary public response if our government were to ask citizens to participate in this sort of sacrifice/labor/support today... you can almost hear the spin, can't you?

ugh. media outlets today.

I really want to be more lovingly direct...to say what I mean and mean what I say. passive aggressiveness is so easy, but it's not nice or appropriate and because I'm aware of that I really don't have a good excuse to keep doing it. sometimes I think we just enjoy the bit of drama and little resentments, you know?

see? NUGGETS OF GOLD, people.

-m.y.

first baseball game...

this past week, we headed out with some friends to Minute Maid Park to watch the Astros play the Braves. I didn't have very high expectations for the game - I don't really follow baseball, and the Astros haven't been having a good year. they ended up trouncing the Braves, though, and it was a super-fun game! Magz did really well through most of the game, and contrary to these photos she only truly started losing it in the bottom of the eighth (I love how she looks as though we're torturing her here):

we had a group of about ten or eleven people, including our friends and neighbors just down the street:

here's magz, hanging out on one of YaYa's quilts and sporting one of the first things mama has bought for her. not that this child needs me to buy her clothing - she's been given so much that we honestly don't have much need at all. I just happened to be at target and saw a couple of cute things and... well, there it is.

cross-eyed!

and here she is having a fun Saturday morning with Daddy (she lost one of her socks along the way):

now we're all listening to Queen's Lullaby Baby, she's sacked out in her swing, I'm on the computer and gearing up to tackle my 'in' box, and M's over in the chair reading Bonhoeffer's 'Life Together' before heading out to purchase supplies to build us some bookshelves. I read that book forever ago, and suddenly want to read it again. happy weekend!

-m.y.

'baby' music

so magz seems to enjoy Sigur Ros, an Icelandic rock band. some of their lyrics are in Icelandic but most are made up and are just gibberish. fun gibberish. maybe that's why she's into it.

I woke up at 5a to her grunts and little almost-cries, got up to change and nurse her, and felt a draft. whoa! there was a huge wet spot on the front of my nightshirt. I'd forgotten to wear my nursing pads to bed, and was leaking all over the place. now, I haven't had a big problem with that, just every so often, so I went in to change her and was all, 'what's that on my foot? oh, milk is dripping ON MY FOOT'... and squirting onto the changing table, and the baby. what the-?! I got her fed and put back to bed, and got to pumping. over 4 ounces after she ate! cuh-razy. I honestly didn't anticipate that it would be such a process, breastfeeding. I mean, I knew there was some working out to be done, but I think I thought your milk would come in and there would just be a lot of it, or your supply would grow really quickly and that was that. here I am 8 weeks in and I'm just now experiencing this terrific overflow and understanding what some people are talking about in these books I've read.

and since I was up (and dry - I did change my shirt), I did the dishes. :)

have a good one, all!

-m.y.

playdates and mobiles and laughs, oh my

margaretann (it's fun for me to say it like they're one word) will be 8 weeks on tuesday, which is crazy. she's sprouting lengthwise, is starting to fill out and look 'babyfied', and has officially grown out of her newborn onesies. we're also into playdates now... truth be told, I think it's more about me getting to hang out with write softly than our babies getting their play on, but hey, they're totally socializing while their mama's enjoy each other's company!

I'm so thankful for our time together, friend. you're just lovely, that's all.


our baby's had a much better 7th week than 6th week, if we're talking cry to wake to sleep ratios and general good humor, and I'm pretty convinced she's been going through a growth spurt. she actually almost slept 6 consecutive hours last night! not that we're overly concerned about how long she sleeps at 7 weeks, it was just like 'wow, she hasn't woken up yet! that dinner really packed a punch!' we'll be headed to the pediatrician a week from tomorrow, and I'm curious to see how much she's grown. she still eats like a cute little baby lumberjack. I pumped the other day and was proud to easily get four ounces... we've been slowly building up, and it's very gratifying to know my body and the baby seem to be working well together to give/get what they need.

the catch to all of her new development is that I'm sometimes a little slow picking up her cues, but I'm fast learning that this is just how it goes. some days seem to work like semi-clockwork, others it's a feeding frenzy interspersed with hasty and unsatisfying bits of sleep and frustrated tummy time and floor flailings, and we both seem to end up feeling generally sweaty and off-kilter. today's been one of those days, actually - after all that good sleep last night and our somewhat stable week, we had a weirdly-timed morning, spent much of bible class/church in the nursery eating/changing/crying, emotionally yo-yoed through the afternoon and evening, and after a good second dinner she sweetly fell asleep on me and is now sacked out in her pack 'n play for the night (hopefully). even when I feel about to the end of my momentary rope, a few seconds later I look at her face and want to laugh and cry and pull her as close to me as I can. I'm so thankful for her, and so thankful for this family. it really was my heart's desire, and God has been so gracious to me.

this week we're all about the smiling and laughing and for those who seem to only be around when she's fussy, here's proof!

we're also about pacifying ourselves with our hands:

and interacting with toys and mobiles:

this photo slays me.

this afternoon with daddy.

almost too much for my heart to take.

great-grandma sent us tons of new clothes with SuSu... here's us trying on what I'm referring to as the Betsy Ross cap:

I'm sure we'll grow into it.

a shout out to my family tonight... I'm suddenly missing and loving you all a lot. happy birthday, daddy - I hope you had a wonderful party!

-m.y.