seven

first off, I will never watch that movie again. remember 'seven'? yeah, I watched it ALONE in my duplex on Bedford St. when I was in grad school in Baton Rouge, and distinctly remember getting no sleep that night. I stayed up, bug-eyed and twitchy, in the living room, armed with a really heavy pot and a kitchen knife just in case any crazies were, you know, AFTER ME.

but TODAY, I'm talking about an entirely different 'seven'. as in seven years. since my life took a very good, positive turn. I mean, some big changes had already been underway prior to August 18 2003, but this anniversary is an easy one to point to and think, 'a-ha! I remember when that happened!'

the other night after dinner with friends, one of them paid me such a compliment. I'll get the actual verbiage wrong, but he essentially said that he can't imagine me as anything other than I am now, which is relatively 'good'. I explained that I've always been relatively 'good', especially in passing or in a certain light, but the truth is that back then I was just more compartmentalized and some of those compartments were highly suspect. they were easy to rationalize and conveniently hide away for a long time, but my moment of truth - or series of them, I suppose - started happening when the walls between my compartments began showing themselves to be paper thin and crumbly, and trying to conceal what was going on next door became very, very hard. plus, it all started to just feel really bad and I was tired, tired and uncomfortable and scared enough to want to change. which is why I will always be a proponent of allowing people the dignity of crashing and burning if that's what it takes, as change oft-times seems to only come for some of us when we feel extraordinarily pinched in our circumstances.

this year is a little different, as it's my first birthday to experience as a mother. hubz and the baby came with me to my meeting to celebrate with me, and it was so good to have them there and see my extended family coo over Magz. when those people met me I was in such a different, puffy place - with my nutty life, poor dating choices, etc. the idea that I would marry a man who loves the Lord and have a baby and own a home and be so connected with a faith community and on and on was just... well, fairy-tale sounding. a lovely idea that happened to other people, and now that it's my reality the only proper thing to do is respond with as much gratitude and humility as I can remember to muster. I'm no different or better than anyone else walking the planet (as is evidenced by how easy it is for me to forget to be thankful), and I'm pretty sure God brought all of this about to teach me about things like strength in weakness, honesty, the power of confession, the necessity of community and accountability to personal growth, and that He really is Able like the songs say.

I can't help but consider how I'm going to communicate what I've learned to my daughter. I mean, enough time has passed that I regularly forget to think of who I was and the things I'm susceptible to (plus others have a hard time believing it anyway), but I can't afford to sweep it under the rug - for myself or my girl - out of embarrassment or shame or an idea that I'm SO beyond it. practically, she'll have to be honestly and plainly told that she's likely inherited a propensity to addictive behavior, and she'll have to be on her guard. I can't say, 'alcohol is evil and God says good Christians don't drink ever never!', because I don't find it biblically true. I feel very strongly that we shouldn't villainize or lend it any more mystique than it already has for people coming of age, and I sincerely hope as Magz grows up that our brothers and sisters who choose to drink normally and responsibly are able to provide the healthy and biblical example of moderation that I can't. One of the things that was important for me was to actually see other adult believers enjoying alcohol responsibly - the differences that stood out were a) it was on occasion... not, like, every day, b) they didn't lose control and do stupid, dangerous stuff , c) they chose to have a drink or two and were done (and sometimes didn't even FINISH their drink. what the??), and d) they didn't get drunk. OH. huh, I said. really? it was an important witness and comparatively demonstrated in no uncertain terms that what I was doing was way, way different. apparently, hiding a beer outside in the plant so you can sneak out and have an extra in case people are counting how many you've had (they weren't) is a sign of paranoia. oh, and a drinking problem. I pray we can be diligent and arm our daughter with information and guidance about this and other things sure to come up, to the point that she rolls her eyes at us and groans 'I KNOW!' in that exasperated way they do. I pray God protects and keeps her always, and gives her strength and help. I pray she runs to Him when she crashes and burns.

I'm terrible at resolutions, but I have a few broad ones for this next year. I hope to be drawn back into relying on God more, talking to Him, being hungry for better things, leaving things that don't help behind for good. I hope to be a better wife for my husband, and to practice grateful living and generosity. I'm so thankful that the quality of my problems is so much higher than it used to be, and really hope to learn to live in such a way that God, not me, gets the glory for this life.

-m.y.