we've come a long way, baby...

if you can make it out, that brownish furry blob on the left is our fat kitty Ripley stretched out on her side, and of course Chi is on the right. the idea that these two would someday nap together like this without claws and fur flying seemed preposterous when we all moved in together, what... 4 months ago? and yet, there it is. family.

and pssst.... congratulations, mom and L.B. - no school for you two this week!! woo-hoo!!

tuesday morning...

I'm sure I've said it before - I love soups. I love to both eat and make them. here was yesterday's vegetable concoction:




and one a little closer... go ahead, get a whiff of the savory, healthy goodness:




just as an FYI, if it looks like there's oil in there that's a little extra virgin olive oil that I start a lot of my soups with... I tend to chop up the onions/potatoes/carrots/whatever and sautee them in evoo, and then add everything else.


*****


I've mentioned her before, but I've been re-reading A. Lamott lately. Last week, when I was working out of town, some of us were in a studio talking politics when another actor/director walked in, listened for a moment, and then remarked to me that she wondered what that was like, to be a Christian that isn't right wing. ("or left wing", I silently filled in for her. my issues with defining labels.) Another factoid is that this person happens to be a professed atheist, and on the few occasions we've spoken about faith I feel myself grasping to explain myself, hoping God will help my clumsy words appear more meaningful, wondering just as curiously at her lack-of-faith and how that works in her life. Anyway, A.L. is very left-wing, very real, and I love reading about her faith conversion and life-struggles/triumphs. some exerpts from Travelling Mercies:

when she's still drinking and using, and toward the end of her rope, she stumbled upon a little Presbyterian church in San Fran:

Eventually, a few months after I started coming, I took a seat in one of the folding chairs, off by myself. Then the singing enveloped me. It was furry and resonant, coming from everyone's very heart. There was no sense of performance or judgement, only that the music was breath and food.
Something inside me that was stiff and rotting would feel soft and tender. Somehow the singing wore down all the boundaries and distinctions that kept me so isolated. Sitting there, standing with them to sing, I felt bigger than myself, like I was being taken care of, tricked into coming back to life. But I had to leave before the sermon.   p. 48

after she had an abortion, she was so sad and depressed she spent the next seven days taking pills, smoking dope, and drinking.  she discovered she was bleeding heavily...

Several hours later, the blood stopped flowing, and I got in bed, shaky and sad and too wild to have another drink or a take a sleeping pill.  I had a cigarette and turned off the light.  After a while, as I lay there, I became aware of someone with me, hunkered down in the corner, and I just assumed it was my father, whose presence I had felt over the years when I was frightened and alone.  The feeling was so strong that I actually turned on the light for a moment to make sure no one was there - of course, there wasn't.  But after awhile, in the dark again, I knew beyond a doubt that it was Jesus.  I felt him as surely as I feel my dog lying nearby as I write this.

I was appalled.  I thought about my life and my brilliant, hilarious progressive friends.  I thought about what everyone would think of me if I became a Christian, and it seemed an utterly impossible thing that simply could not be allowed to happen.  I turned to the wall and said out loud, "I would rather die."

I felt him just sitting there on his haunches in the corner of my sleeping loft, watching me with patience and love, and I squinched my eyes shut, but that didn't help because that's not what I was seeing him with.  p. 49-50

she talks of feeling followed for the next week, as though a little cat were following her around, waiting for her to open the door so it could come in.  and then:

...one week later, when I went back to to church, I was so hungover that I couldn't stand up for the songs, and this time I stayed for the sermon, which I thought was so ridiculous, like someone trying to convince me of the existence of extraterrestrials, but the last song was so deep and raw and pure that I could not escape.  It was as if the people were singing between the notes, weeping and joyful at the same time, and I felt like their voices or something was rocking me in it's bosom, holding me like a scared kid, and I opened up to that feeling - and it washed over me.

I began to cry and left before the benediction, and I raced home and felt the little cat running along at my heels, and I walked down the dock past dozens of potted flowers, under a sky as blue as one of God's own dreams, and I opened the door to my houseboat, and I stood there a minute, and then I hung my head and said, "F*ck it, I quit."  I took a long deep breath and said out loud, "All right.  You can come in."

So this was my beautiful moment of conversion.  p. 50

It moves me.  and she writes about her church just beautifully... makes me yearn to meet them.

*****

pictures from our outing to Discovery Green this weekend... (I'm pretty sure they don't want dogs to go down in the marshes like this)




We like the park...

and here is the brave, disease-less furry beast who was poked and prodded and pricked yesterday and ultimately was determined to be in fabulous health for a kid that's almost 13... (this was how he spent much of the afternoon... the doctor will take it out of you!)



*****


my husband starts his class at San Jac tonight... I'm so proud of you, mgb!! go get 'em!! wire it up!!

and now I have to go write anime and do laundry and nuke this coffee. not quite in that order.

the view from here...

this is what it looked like while I worked today...





yep. I voice the redhead.

it pays the rent. =)

treasure box

I made this box at a youth retreat in Brenham.  it was one of the first outings/volunteer things I did with my church, years ago.  at that point, many of the younger girls thought I was really cool, even though I hadn't really done anything to deserve such high thinking.  if I remember correctly, I was in charge of organizing a craft for the retreat, so I went to Hobby Lobby and found these boxes, some buttons, lentils and beans, macaroni, and glue and hoped they wouldn't think it was too lame.

I don't remember what my box housed before, but in the past few years it has become the keeper of some of my most quietly prized possessions... my sobriety chips.

chips are handed out incrementally... there's the desire chip, or the 24-hr chip, for the person who wants to make a change and not drink/drug/act out for 24 hrs, 1 month, 2 month, 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, 1 year, 18 month, and then yearly.  some people go to many different meetings, and end up with multiple chips for each milestone collected at the various meetings.  So far, I mostly attend my home meeting only, so I have one of each... except the 1 year.  in addition to the one I picked up, my sponsor gave me hers as a token, as did an older woman at the church who'd quietly been in program for years.  so I have 3 of those, and they are dear to me.  

5 years ago today, August 18, 2003, I quit drinking.  amazing to think about.  there were some who had no idea I had a problem, and some who remained unconvinced because binge drinking and getting drunk is so normal in this society, but only a person knows the truth inside their skin and can choose which way to steer their ship.  that makes me think of a quote I read once that I loved:  a ship sails the direction it's sails are set... not the way the wind blows.  I found 12-step program to be radical in it's simplicity and spirit... that faith can do what we're unable to do for ourselves, and that it leads to action and change that you can see and experience.  while you're walking in this faith you realize that you are not unique - that can be surprisingly hard to swallow - and you share what's happening with others who get it and want only your best.  easy enough, right, especially for people who've been churched all their lives.  confounding and hard to believe when you've been struggling with something you can't seem to shake, no matter how much willpower you throw at it or how many bargains you make with yourself.  anyway, here is my newest chip:

things it represents to me today:  freedom of choice, freedom from shame, fear, and deception, the imperative of honesty, the goodness and mercy God shows to His children, the kindness of Him to give us all sorts of people to help us along, the power of shared experience, the mission to help others and be a safe place of confession, the importance of boundaries, the relief of acceptance.  because of this gift, I have been freed to do things I could barely conceptualize before... I am pretty healthy.  I am a homeowner.  I am in a wonderful, God-centered marriage.  my work has continued to be blessed.  I am dependable.  I am able to be 'known', and know others.

I don't feel that I have lost any privileges - I don't waste time feeling left out or punished around people who are free to imbibe.  I don't want it.  Every so often I'm surprised when a person around me apologizes for drinking in front of me, or shares that they aren't drinking out of respect for me.  It really is a surprise, too, because I forget I'm supposed to be different.  I am free to let people off the hook and allow them their own freedom - I am not tempted by their drinking, and would not ask them to alter their behavior to accommodate me.  I say the following not as a judgement or comparison to anyone else, but if you only knew the relief I feel at not having to engage in that activity, as it shows up in me... the last thing I feel around normal drinkers is envious.  I don't mean to say that I'm not ever tempted - especially with regard to smoking, I hate to say - it's just more apt to show up as a thought when I'm mad or upset or, strangely enough, as a tiny streak of insidious out of the blue possibility when I'm doing something supremely normal, like going to the bank or running errands.  the devil does push-ups, people, and he knows that the best way to get to me is though my own mind and justification, and my proven ability to hide from people. 

I'm going to resume the habit of carrying my chip in my purse, along with a resentment chip R from group gave me way back when I was having trouble letting go of things.  I had never heard of such a thing.  she explained that it had been given to her in one of her meetings, that whenever my resentments and things came to mind I could think about/look at/handle this chip to remind me that it was poison, and to turn it over to God.  I chose to put it in this box along with my most current sobriety chip, which makes a lot of sense to me as holding onto resentments is a great way to stay mentally and spiritually stuck... and we're all about progress here.

 

I thought I would end this post with some Bible verses that have significance to me.  I went to biblegateway to find one doing word search, and just read the 63 Psalm again for what feels like the first time in years.  stunning and teary how things come flooding back.  I remember clinging to some of these words, late at night in my purple bedroom, when I hadn't found a way out yet and was crumbling under the weight of sadness, fear, and a profound tiredness. 

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

I'll wrap today with these words of Jesus from Luke chapter 4:

The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

yay, freedom!  that's for US, all of us!  and now I'm off to live in it, just for today.  =)

"the law of the American jungle: remain calm, share your bananas."

the title of this posting comes from Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by A. Lamott... it was on a decal she saw once, and it stuck with me after I read it last night.  I just liked it, that's all.  my favorite thing about A.L.'s books is her transparency when writing about feelings and events that are universal to humans walking around the planet, and her struggles are so... common.  which makes them wonderful and affirming to read.

*****

I am not much of an Olympic lover, but I did tune in and watch some swimming and gymnastics last night.  Good grief, how could anyone endure watching the women's gymnastics?!  I was twisted with tension over the whole thing - A) the balance beam is a devilish thing and just looking at it gives me the heebie-jeebies, B) I'm not convinced that people should ever sprint at something as immoveable as the the vault, C) the Chinese girls were so little I worried for their bones every time they landed, and D) it was soooo close, and all of those girls were under soooo much pressure!  I was really happy for the young woman who won, though... talk about grace under pressure and sheer concentrated, excellent effort.

up next in our television viewing experience:  the husband and I will DVR the debate at Saddleback between McCain and Obama tomorrow night.  maybe - just maybe - I'll be swayed to pick a candidate.  so far... I vote T. Boone Pickens.  =)  just jokes. But I do like that the man has a plan, and when it comes to leaders, I like people with plans - people who have ideas with legs and wheels that can move this way and that, who present immediate short-term steps for effective, long-term solutions.  Even if I don't love their plan, I just like that they have one that can be mapped and traced and deviated from if needed.  I am not as fond of people with emotional promises that float in the air, who don't have anything concrete to say about what they're going to DO.  It doesn't bring me pleasure to say this, but I honestly question the motivation/incentive of our leaders and have lost faith that our government can effect much real change in anyone's life, barring taxing us more... and then I wonder, are they supposed to?  I've wondered, lately, what government is for, what their role is in the lives of the people they represent.  From dictionary.com:

government.
–noun
1. the political direction and control exercised over the actions of the members, citizens, or inhabitants of communities, societies, and states; direction of the affairs of a state, community, etc.; political administration: Government is necessary to the existence of civilized society.
2. the form or system of rule by which a state, community, etc., is governed:monarchical government; episcopal government.
3. the governing body of persons in a state, community, etc.; administration.
4. a branch or service of the supreme authority of a state or nation, taken as representing the whole: a dam built by the government.
5. (in some parliamentary systems, as that of the United Kingdom)
a. the particular group of persons forming the cabinet at any given time: The Prime Minister has formed a new government.
b. the parliament along with the cabinet: The government has fallen.
6. direction; control; management; rule: the government of one's conduct.
7. a district governed; province.

Hm.  I still don't know.  I want them, and I want them to do good and govern well and manage liaisons between our country and others and seek the wisest counsel available for planning and strategizing the future of this country... in short, I want them 'around' to do what's necessary and needed, and then I want them to go away and quit meddling with us and dallying with the media.  I'd also like them to act like they're working for the American people. (but then, would it follow that the American people need to act like a people interested in being represented, and what would THAT look like?)

 I'm not very politically astute, I'll tell you that right now.  I've been told that I sound like a libertarian... I don't know, I feel very contrary when it comes to labels.  My government wish list would include things like... being responsible to the American people to spend hard-earned tax dollars wisely.  that the government live on a budget... they don't get to raise taxes without being accountable for why they're not cutting more of their own spending.  that they don't get to borrow money from Social Security trust funds without paying it back.  that someone take pains to completely audit the situation in Iraq and create a forward-motion, beginning-middle-end plan to ultimately get out of there (Bob Woodward's book State of Denial is, I think, a very good one about our government and the war).  that they assign the nation's brightest and most conscientious minds to our educational system, with the ultimate goal of turning out people who can read, write, speak, and share, with critical thinking abilities and honed skills/trades that enable them to navigate through the world, support themselves, and help others.  that the gov provide strategic and effective programs to help citizens in economic and/or situational need, with all arrows and incentives pointing toward teaching them to fish for themselves.  that beyond that, they primarily hold churches, private organizations, and individuals to the task of  stepping up and REALLY making a difference in the lives of the poor and disenfranchised in ways the government is incapable... by living in community and encouraging/helping/educating/befriending one another to break cycles of poverty and societal ignorance regardless of income.  So many of them are already doing this. I want to be challenged to get out there and be a part of the solution, rather than sit inside my house and wait for the government to fix it all.  Incidentally, I do feel this pressure spiritually, and struggle with how to answer the call.  

I wish for citizens the integrity of falling on their faces every now and then - our leaders choosing to bail people out of their bad choices is not a long-term answer and truncates the necessity for individuals to learn lessons and take responsibility for their lives.  I'd like the government of our nation to assist in redefining the American dream as something other than entitlement to things we may or may not be able to afford.  I would like them to audit our tax system, and remove any areas where there is double taxation.  or just stupid taxation.  I would like the small business owner to be cut a break, tax-wise, for doing what America is supposed to be about - having an idea or a skill, and working their butts off to grow it into something that contributes to the local economy and workforce.  I would like them to let me choose whether or not I want to contribute to Social Security, which I will not actually benefit from.  I currently pay... what, 12% into SS as a self-employed person?  I would like to see the government create incentives for good business practices, while somehow regulating or penalizing unethical and predatory models for the protection of the American people (i.e. payday lenders, sub-prime lending, health insurance companies whose profit is based on figuring out how to deny the claims of customers who pay exorbitant premiums every month to be 'covered', etc.).  Maybe that's asking too much - free market and all - but there you go, it's my wish list.  ethical capitalism.  Regarding health care, I can't go socialized due to my lack of faith in basic organizational ability and function of the government, but I still wish there was some middle ground where we were able to conceptualize and create a more cost-effective preventative healthcare option based on the premise that healthy, able citizens make up a healthy nation. *edit* I've recently been shown that there are many clinics available to people, but that part of the problem is lack of information/education about the accessibility of them, or the inability of people who are undocumented to qualify for Gold Cards... I have a lot to learn about those things.

As a general rule, I'm a big believer in incentives - rewarding good, ethical, responsible behavior, allowing consequences for bad behavior with the hope of reformation and growth.  I believe in valuing and treating people with respect, and I'm also a big believer in personal responsibility, which informs a lot of my thinking.  And some of it might be conflicting.  Anyway, I'm sure there's more but this has already gotten way too political for a Friday.  does anyone else struggle with determining what the job of the government is?

*****

I've waxed far too long today, and must go do my Firm Cardio Sculpt.  my sister-in-law and I both used to do The Firm workouts, and in lieu of a gym membership I've gotten out my VHS tapes again (I have the dvds too, but I like the old tape workouts best).  this stuff kicks my butt, literally.  which is good, because there's plenty to kick.  =)  friday shout out to all the pretty ladies with junk in the trunk!  *bootie dance of womanly awesomeness!!*

the secret to a successful marriage...

we went to my hometown this past weekend to celebrate my Daddy's birthday and PaPa and YaYa's 60th anniversary.  60 years!!  the best quote of the weekend came from PaPa.  my husband was apparently talking to him about US making it 60 years, to which PaPa replied something like, "well, you can do it... but it's gonna take a lot of nookie."

indeed!  well, they would know.  ;)

in addition to my sweet parents and a host of fun relatives, we got to see my brother and his wonderful family.  we love those people so much.  especially this one:

she's pretty much the cat's meow.  loves Elmo and Clifford and songs with hand/arm motions, and when she says your name it's melty-feeling inside.

One of the cool things we did this trip was trek to Lexington to nab some brisket at Snow's BBQ, a recent Texas Monthly pick for best BBQ in Texas.  Besides wanting to take some to Daddy, we were curious to see what the best bbq in Texas tasted like.  My husband called ahead to see if we could place an order, and was told that they open the doors at 8a and serve 'til they run out... which is before or around noon.  We put on our game face, woke up Saturday, hit the road a little after 8, arrived at Snow's a little after 10, and managed to nab a whole brisket, 2 extra pieces for us to eat in the car, 2 sausage links, and what was left of the pinto beans (which are always free!).  Let me just tell you, at that point they were already running out of meat.  Isn't that wild?!  They're only open 1 day a week, and the celebrity that's come out of the Texas Monthly article has apparently become something of a burden to this little joint.  But let me just tell you...  it was awesome.  observe:

tasty.  so tasty.  we were so intent on getting up and out of the house we hadn't eaten breakfast that morning, so we sat out in the Honda and tore into the food, dipping our sausages in the yummy, spicy sauce and watching the brisket crumble in our hands.  it was fine, fine food.  good job, Texas Monthly.

******

on our early morning walk, the husband and I are very zen and individually focused on our bodies, the exercise, etc.  we're almost to Discovery Green when I break the silence to observe in a very zen way how nice the breeze is.  After a beat, my husband says, "in my head I was running for president."

queso friday

in preparation for Chick Nite at CS's, I went online this morning to check out queso dips, hoping to try something new. FYI, there is A LOT of dispute about what constitutes an awesome queso. Camp #1 declares that good old-fashioned Velveeta with a can of Rotel is the real deal, give or take a can of chiles, while Camp #2 denounces fake cheese product and strives to make a winning combo by using various shredded cheeses, sour cream, cream cheese, cream of mushroom/cheese soup, so on and so on. I took all of this knowledge - and pressure... what does the way I make queso say about me?! - to our local Kroger, and ended up concocting the following:

Ingredients:
1 bunch shallot
1tsp-1tbsp minced garlic (to your preference)
2tbsp cooking butter

1 chicken bouillon cube
1 can original Rotel
about 1/4c of whole milk (I eyeballed it)
3/4 small box of Velveeta
almost an entire 8oz package of Pepper Jack cheese, shredded

I melted the butter, and sauteed the shallots until they were almost done. Regular onions would be fine, I'm sure, but I'm not a super onion-y kind of girl. Then I added a dollop of minced garlic to the mix, and cooked another minute or two. I added the whole can of Rotel, waited a couple of minutes, added the crumbled up chicken bouillon cube, and then added the milk. I let the whole thing cook and blend a bit. Now, the chunks of tomato from the Rotel were pretty big, and I'm not a big chunky tomato eater, so at this point I threw everything in the blender and pulsed it a bit. Then, back in the saucepan on low heat. I cut up about 3/4 of the box of Velveeta and shredded the Pepper Jack, and began adding alternating handfulls of cheese at a time, letting it melt as I went. The result is a spicy, yummy queso that I'm pretty proud of. We'll see how well it reheats later...





musical bonus for the day: if you are not aware of the origin of my user name you can click here to see one of mine and M's favorite bands live in concert, singing about a great girl who battles evil robots... (*disclaimer: if you watch the whole clip, be prepared for some language*) 'yoshimi' is from this album:



which is one of my favorite. albums. ever.

as I type, I can look across into the library and see some wall art M made from this cover, way before he met me. sigh. star-crossed lovers, indeed.

back from travels with a debt-snowball smackdown.

I spent the weekend in Minneapolis attending the last convention I've scheduled until... I feel like scheduling another one.  I flew back home Sunday night and woke up before the crack of dawn Monday to head to Dallas to work for a few days.  I always love coming home, and this time had a sweet touch of celebration.  My husband wrote the last check to Honda on Friday, the check has been cashed, and we own the sucker!  It is SO affirming - all of the travelling and whatnot isn't easy for either of us, but I have to be so thankful for the means to accomplish our goals together for the betterment of our future (in which, hopefully, if I have to get up at 4:30am it's likely to feed a screaming, round-faced baby, not drive 4.5 hrs to a studio). 

All of this is largely due to being introduced to this guy two Christmases ago.  My brother's young married class from church was about to take a 13-week course on finances, and I was intrigued enough by what he told me of DR that I asked for his bestselling book for Christmas that year.  M and I started dating shortly thereafter, and he actually read the book before I did (I was, however, already really into listening to Dave's free podcasts on i-tunes).  Fast-forward a year, and we got to take the course ourselves at our own church, with dear friends beside us and the benefit of some pretty hard-core concurrent pre-marital counselling (which, I believe, is an absolute MUST.  it was not easy by any stretch, but we certainly addressed/fought over/learned about a lot of  our differences and similarities and our marriage has most definitely been smoother for it).  We've been officially working the steps to financial peace together since we got married in April, and it has been such a blessing to us.  The program's emphasis on working together, biblical concepts and stewardship, budgeting your money intentionally and living within your means, basic education about financial products and consumer lending, planning for your family, and placing a high value on charitable giving has given us a financial compass, a common language, and opportunities to learn about and trust one another more, and we're grateful.  Aside from a game plan for our own family, we're also excited about the prospect of being able to bless others by sharing both our funds and good, helpful information... because let's face it, financial issues are common to all, whether you're wealthy or poor.

*****

The Shack...  

I finally finished it on the plane Sunday night, sniffling all the way.  I confess to a small degree of discomfort whenever I'm reading a work that... well, seeks to put words in God's mouth.  I suppose I feel that those sentiments are the writer's theology that they've worked out and are seeking to express and validate.  Not that anything expressed in this book was shocking to me or anything... I just mention it because that opinion affected my reading of it.  I actually liked a great deal of it, and I certainly cried a couple of times.  Out of the wealth of thought-provoking passages, a couple of ideas that really grabbed hold of me were 1) humans seeking independence from God to their detriment and 2) the concept of living in verbs instead of nouns (i.e., growing/learning/serving as opposed to responsibility/obligation).  Although I don't think the nouns are all bad, either, in their place.  I'll tell you, reading this book made me want to go find my copy of Pilgrim's Progress.  I believe they try to evoke similar ideas, and I'm wont to take to it more fully in the allegory form of PP.  Oh, one of my favorite things was the description of the relationship between God/Christ/the Spirit.  I did love that.

Note:  I have a history of reading affecting books while travelling.  In grad school, I rode a Grayhound home one year and pulled out The Notebook to read (before the movie, of course).  I bawled so hard people around me were offering me Kleenex.  And when I was meeting T-bird in Vegas, I cracked open Redeeming Love to stave off lengthy connecting-flight boredom, and finally met up with her at the airport with the splotchiest face and most swollen eyes you've ever seen.

*****

It's so quiet here.  The only sound is someone creaking around upstairs and the hum of the dryer.  I think I could go the day without turning any sound on.  When I got home last night, I reflexively started cleaning the kitchen, making a circuit around the house to see what was new, what flowers needed to be thrown out...  my sweet husband was probably wondering what my damage was.  This morning, I can see my reaction to being away carries some guilt, and upon return I run around marking territory and 'claiming' things, much like my dog does.  Except differently.  =)  He's actually snoring a little right now.

I feel the need to clean, and breathe, and stretch, and sort, and listen, and sleep.  and then go eat dinner with the T family.