silver platter

I have effectively had my butt handed to me the past couple of weeks. Only I really know what that means, but it has to do with anger and fear and control. As I grow older, I really enjoy seeing changes as they've occurred in my life over time, especially behavioral changes. Which is why it's very pointed when I find myself back in old ruts of thinking. Boo on that. What strikes me this time around is how exhausting it is to be stuck obsessing about the actions of others, how drug-like anger is and how easily it takes hold. Whenever I feel this way, it always seems accompanied by the choice to either insert myself into the other person's situation or completely withdraw, and I sway between the two, wondering which is the best way to walk. These days, I tend to stay right where I'm at, stewing but trying to carefully avoid missteps and allow time and God to work things out. Which is progress, but it's still damaging to my insides, the stew of stubborn thoughts and feelings. I do know that there is a third option... something people close to me like to call 'detachment'. From coping.org:

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.


I would very much like to follow this pattern of relationship, as I think it is the most loving to everyone at the end of the day. While the word 'detachment' sounds cold and aloof, those are the last adjectives I would use to describe my comrades who seek to practice it.

*****

I am reading!! Seriously, it's something to cheer about. I began life as a voracious reader, and in the past five years have fallen off to the point that I honestly believe my vocab/memory/concentration skills have atrophied. I read our 242 assignment, Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore, last weekend - it was FANTASTIC - and have moved on to C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce. I'm thankful to feel my brain pulling abstract thoughts together again, to be pulled into a story. It does feel like training a bit, though - my mind wants to wander. or skip the descriptive stuff to get to the plot point. training.

Speaking of training, my husband pulled a very grumpy me from the warm bed this morning to go for a chilly walk/run in our nearby park. We began the 'Couch-to-5K' running plan... which essentially starts by telling you to alternate walking and running 90 to 60 seconds each for 20 minutes. I would love to be able to report that I feel the glow of accomplishment, but the truth is my legs itched from blood rushing into still slumbering and sluggish veins, my feet felt like lead, and I now have a headache. I'm glad I was pushed to do it, though. My body isn't happy with me, and I miss feeling more centered and connected to it.

*****

We saw Quantum of Solace last night. We heard from LontheGrill and her hub that they were a tad confused about the plot, so we watched the last 20 minutes of the first one to brush up before heading to the movie theater. We thoroughly enjoyed it... so action-packed!! and I'll say it... D. Craig is a fine, fine man.

*****

from The Great Divorce:

"What do you keep on arguing for? I'm only telling you the sort of chap I am. I only want my rights. I'm not asking for anybody's bleeding charity."
"Then do. At once. Ask for the Bleeding Charity. Everything is here for the asking and nothing can be bought."