and it all spills out.

today, my brain feels both full and tired. this week has been big, and the national side of that is only a small part of my emotional salad. I'm thinking of some people close to me... the horrors and frustrations and pain that comes with aging, the opportunities that lie around every corner to both expose our weaknesses and our strengths, the very real and unseen forces of both good and evil that are and have always been present in this world. the fallible nature of humans, used to God's glory. grief. joy. connection. anger. fear. compassion. I remain blessed and humbled, free to think and yet seriously checked in my imagination and judgements. wild and careful-feeling. self-examining, finally.

In my current mood, I'm revisiting an album by D. Webb called The House Show. I appreciate his candor and ministry... here's an example from his intro to 'I Repent'... if you get the album, be warned that he likes to talk. :)


"I think that we often believe, if we’re really honest with ourselves, that the Christian life is about how well we can learn to hide our sin… we think that we’ll be able to measure the growth of our spirituality by how little we are sinning, or maybe at least how little we can convince everyone, ourselves included, that we are sinning. But the Christian life is not about hiding. It’s not about living in fear. But gosh that’s what we all do, though, is it not? We just live in fear all the time that we’ll be found out. I’m telling you, the best thing that could ever happen to anybody in this room, the best thing, is that your sin would be literally exposed on the five o’clock news. Your deepest, darkest, most embarrassing sin. The one you work the hardest to hide, would be broadcast on the five o’clock news. Best thing that would ever happen to you. Best thing that would ever happen to me. Because I am so weary, I am so tired, of hiding my sin from people. Of deceiving people about who I really am. I’m tired of it. I just wish that my sins would be exposed, I wish there were huge screens that would just show you the truth about me, all the way down to my core…. In order that I could not, I didn’t even have the option to hide from you anymore. In order that I would have nothing but Jesus to grasp on to, because that’s all I’ve got anyway. ‘Cause the truth is, your sins have been exposed… they’ve been exposed to Jesus. He knows you better than you’re even willing to admit to yourself. But he’s forgiven you! Take joy in the fact not that your sins are not real but that they are real, and that your Savior is real! I cannot tell you this enough times, in hopes that any of us, one of us, even me, might believe this. I’ll never tire of saying this to people. I’ll never tire of hearing it myself, because by the time I go to bed tonight I’m not going to believe it again. I’m going to be thinking of ways to hide my sin from people, in hopes they might like me, or something. But that’s not what my Christian life’s all about, that’s not what sanctification’s all about, that’s not what growth as a believer is all about. It’s about coming to grips with who you really are and being willing to admit that to each other. In order that that might happen in your community, that others might come and say, ‘You know, I heard you talking about this sin, and that was bold of you, brave of you to admit that… it’s kind of leading me to repent as well, I want to tell you something. I want to invite you into where I hide in hopes that I might not hide there anymore, make it harder for me to go back there. ‘Cause the light switch has been turned on. Please, please, begin preaching the gospel to each other in a way that you might actually believe it, a way that you might come out of hiding and in a way that might change our communities.” - intro to ‘I Repent’, Derek Webb


here are the lyrics of the song:

i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream
i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything
of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent, i repent of parading my liberty
i repent. i repent of paying for what i get for free
and for the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent

bridge
i repent of judging by a law that even i can't keep
of wearing righteousness like a disguise
to see through the planks in my own eyes

i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need
by domesticating you until you look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent.


heavy, I know. I'm just listening to it. and mulling. one of my favorite parts of the album is the intro to 'Wedding Dress'... "This next song is my own confession... confessing that because of my unbelief, because of the fact that I don't believe the gospel... I don't believe that Christ is really sufficient for me, I don't believe that he'll really meet all my needs... I don't, I struggle to believe that. And you can see it by the way I live. And because I don't believe that I all too often give in, am convinced or wooed by what some theologians have called Lovers Less Wild than Jesus... that would seek to convince us they can satisfy us."

I can't see, hear, or write the word 'theologians' without thinking about this Wilco song.


*****


as for the election... it's a remarkable time we live in, that's for sure. I was undecided for a long time, as hard as that was for some to believe, and ultimately voted third party. I know there's an opinion that doing so is effectively throwing your vote away, but my conscience felt lighter after checking mr. barr's name, and since I'm not particularly interested in furthering partisan politics it didn't make sense for me to vote 'against a party'. aspects of each major candidate's campaign didn't sit well with me, I was disappointed in both of their plans regarding the war, and fiscally I couldn't get behind either one of them. turns out I'm sort of a conservative centrist. maybe? honestly, I'm still reeling from what I consider to be the travesty of the bailout and subsequent decisions made by Congress. I do not support the expansion of federal government's actions and power in such a way at all, and I sincerely wish one of the presidential candidates had had the nuts to really emerge as a leader during that fear-driven time. Witnessing the events of those couple of weeks, the exposed motives of so many and the incredible reach of the Fed into private business at the expense of the tax-payer, I lost much good opinion and faith in our government, and I've become quite cynical about the body's fundamental motives and unabated disastrous stewardship. so that's how I voted. shrug. I will respect President Obama - for his intellect, for running a good campaign and rallying over half of the country, for the office he will hold and the responsibilities that come with it. I told M that in speaking with people and watching election coverage I've been reminded a little of when Clinton ran the first time - I remember voting for him as a freshman in college (I think), and how excited so many of us were about his charisma and appeal, and the great change from the Bush Sr. administration he was sure to bring. of course, this is even more momentous for a multitude of reasons. what huge burdens Mr. Obama inherits, though he has the benefit of a lot of national and international support - at least, for now. regardless, I confess my thoughts remain stubbornly filled with quiet, independent action plans... to keep getting up every day as a believer, working my business, paying quarterlies, staying involved in our church and city, attempting to be in-but-not-of my work communities, trying to make sound choices, living within our means, and attempting to plan and take responsibility for the space we occupy on this Earth while helping others along the way. I think I could have been a pioneer. heh. um, maybe. and does this kind of thinking gel with the sentiments of the song I'm mulling over above?? well, it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've exposed some hypocrisy...


*****

can I say how glad I am to have a place to write these things? for while it lasts, I'm thankful.


*****

behold the blessed bumblebee:




-m.y.