the fear monster is busy...

so the most trying thing about pregnancy for me has definitely been the fear factor - that you could, knowingly or unknowingly, be doing something to harm your unborn baby. I rather unthinkingly quipped on facebook that goat cheese has been a new year's treat for me - we bought some to take to a party last night, and I enjoyed some of the leftovers with my breakfast and as a snack today. it's especially good eaten in tandem with cerignola olives, preferably the black ones.

this might be an appropriate time to mention that I don't post on facebook very much, and this is partially why - I feel that most of the time it's easier to hide out and just live, without commenting on my life or inviting others to. except for, you know, posting all sorts of personal things on this blog, which I still see as a somewhat private place to share and let my hair down with people I have a closer friendship with. I welcome comments here, because there's space and time to flesh things out, and a real person to go to for more conversation. anyway, a relative remarked to my quip that her daughter-in-law's baby doctor said no to bries and soft cheeses and maybe I should check to be sure it was safe, and I quickly assured her that I'm careful to eat only pasteurized products I know the origin of (and, I forgot to mention, only U.S. ones, no international varieties. I did think about going back to amend the comment, and throw in for good measure that goat cheese is something of a treat for me - in case anyone thought I was eating it by the fistful every day - but I thought that might look a little defensive).

of course, I know that there's still potential danger lurking everywhere, and a lot of people choose to avoid even pasteurized soft cheese just to be safe. and, of course, that's fine. and even though I felt perfectly okay indulging in the cheese I carefully selected, here I sit now, with a gnawing worry that maybe, today, my selfish goat cheese desires are hurting my little, apple-sized baby.

from unwittingly taking a few ibuprofen to deal with my tooth situation (the internet says it's 'not the best but okay as long as you're not in the third trimester', I'd never heard anyone warn against it, and it's what I normally take for headaches/cramps... but everyone else apparently knows that it's potentially dangerous and a no-no for pregnant women, so I immediately stopped taking it), to making the switch to 'safe' Tylenol (but for such a long period that I rationed the pills and bargained with my pain, scared that the baby would be hurt and secretly wondering if the moms on the 'net who endured their pain like pioneers rather than introduce anything to their system were better moms than me), to worrying that I might have a tooth infection and, if so, the baby was in jeopardy, to struggling over the decision to get highlights (a client who'd already hired me requested my hair be lighter a day and a half before the shoot, and this was before we'd told anyone - even our parents - about the baby), to sitting in the bathtub and hoping it's not too hot, to drinking decaf (or a cup of the real stuff), to accidentally eating any number of things that later you find out could be awful, there's a lot to get freaked out about and a lot of opinions to sort through. and that doesn't even cover the normal, weird physical stuff that happens all the time, like the twinges you get down below that are most likely things just, um, stretching out, but could be something more serious maybe we should consult the internetz...

I've actively tried to avoid books and articles that could scare me further, opting to shoot for positivity and a certain amount of ignorance rather than obsess about what 'could' be happening inside me - or not. because let's face it... there're already so many unknowns, you don't need help being paranoid... you have no idea what's happening inside you and you mostly pray it's all going alright on it's own.

but that feeling is hard, isn't it... the one where you think you're being judged as a person who doesn't love their baby enough to refrain from whatever it is some choose to refrain from. now, I don't know that that's true at all, the part about others judging me, and it's probably not... but the self-judgement certainly feels true and that's always worse. it's subsiding now as I type, but there for awhile I was awash in goat cheese guilt...

this is just me, but there are some things that comfort me. amazingly, healthy babies have been born for a long time, to healthy people and to ignorant people and to people who abuse their bodies and do all manner of unsafe things. which is certainly no license for crazy, but does give me hope. I'm comforted by my doctor visits, by a strong heartbeat and steady weight gain. I'm comforted by the fact that if we had a child with a problem, we've talked about facing that together and with the knowledge that God is both in control and the giver of blessings and strength. I'm comforted in my growing belly and good general health so far, and don't want an unhelpful amount of fear to kill my enjoyment of this time. I'm also comforted in the knowledge that we're all different, and that we're allowed to do it our own way.

because the truth is, I don't know if I've hurt it. I really hope I haven't. I don't want to, and the prayer I most often ask husband for/speak/think over the baby right now is for protection.

thanks for reading these ramblings. as always, feel free to remark. We're going to have succulent black-eyed peas (for luck) and cabbage (for money) for dinner to uphold tradition, but I feel more viscerally than ever that our 2010 is entirely in the hands of a creator God who is good and has power today to do more than we can ask or imagine, and that's the most comforting and hopeful thing I know.