surrender

interesting week so far. I've had both some work and a good bit of downtime, which I've primarily spent cleaning the house, surfing the tube, working out, ripping recipes out of magazines, and shopping for bathing suit bargains online.

downtime usually has two associations for me. one - seize it! enjoy it! the other - what if I never work again? what if this is the beginning of the end of something? I made the choice to say no to two gigs in the past couple of days. the first was an 'opportunity' to do a chunk of voice work for a company and get paid in, oh, 6 to 9 months. after they got paid from their other vendor. which totally sounds like a 'you MIGHT get paid IF we get paid' scenario to me, and I've never done voice work on spec. my agent, of course, said 'no way', which gave me an easy out, but I was approached personally and I suppose I could have arranged to work it out if I'd really wanted to. I have a history with this company and some of the most fun work experiences I've had have been with people there... but I've also seen a lot of things I don't like about the way they choose to run their business and treat people. this latest 'opportunity' was presented to me as 'if you guys won't work with this pay structure, we'll just go to Craigslist and find people who will'. which I found both insulting and a loud indicator of how they view the work they put out. so, I politely said it sounded too risky for me and declined, throwing out that I'd be happy to work for them again if they get their funds worked out differently. the other was a one day gig that the client needed to move to a day I'm booked to be out of town with friends, and I chose to honor my prior commitment and not make myself a nutcase by trying to do both.

the above decisions weren't easy for me. turning down money kicks me in the gut a little. however, I've got a husband now to help me prioritize, to tell me that we'll be fine without that day's work and remind me that the plans we make have value. to support me in not choosing to work with people I don't admire. to help quiet the spirit of fear that tells me I should take anything that comes to me, even if I don't want it or it doesn't work for me, because WHAT IF....

I've been asking God to bring new streams of income/interests into my life for awhile now, on and off, but it's hard to let go of what you know and have come to depend on. I realize that maybe saying 'no' in these sorts of situations might be the start of saying 'yes' to new opportunities, and that makes me glad in my vague discomfort. at our small group one night, we read a prayer that speaks to me today. I printed it out and stuck it on our refrigerator:

surrender

the covenant prayer

I am no longer my own,
but thine.
put me to what thou wilt,
rank me with whom thou wilt,
put me to doing, put me to suffering;
let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or
brought low for thee;
let me be full, let me be empty;
let me have all things, let me have nothing;
I freely and heartily yield all things to thy
pleasure and disposal.
and now, O glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit;
thou art mine, and I am thine.
so be it.
and the covenant which I have made
on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.
amen.

-m.y.