bird seeking advanced flying lessons.

sometimes I just want the last post to move on down the page, even though I don't have anything pressing to write about. so, where to begin when you don't have a clear topic? I know, confession!

my confession is this: facebook can be difficult for me, and here is why. I have chosen to attempt to keep FB a place for myself to keep in touch with good friends and family... people I know, as opposed to adding everyone who ever liked a project I was a part of. so, in essence, it's not something I intended to use for work - not as a primary networking tool, though sometimes that line gets blurred in a good way, and definitely not to build/maintain a fanbase. I kept my myspace profile for that sort of interaction. however, many of my peers DO announce every audition, every booking, every everything there, and while it's easy for me to judge them ("look how the actors need to constantly validate themselves and have people tell them they're awesome!") the plain and ugly truth is... I'm jealous. I compare myself, and wonder why certain things aren't happening for me. I should be able to rejoice for them, but it's tinged with my own longing for validation. it's not pretty, but there it is. most people close to me know I don't really seek opportunities to talk about work... though I do seem to blog about it quite a bit. validation for me comes in my being wanted and busy, in working a lot and providing, not so much from the accolades of others.

I think part of the emotion comes from trying to gently extricate myself from some of the career associations I've been tied to for the past, oh, 8 years... or at least be open to letting them go or redefining them. since I've been married, I've been trying to listen to where God would have me move, and centering myself on home, M, family, seems right. still, identity issues are there and I'm okay with picking through them as I chart new territory. I do know where the source of my identity and confidence is supposed to be.

I know it's not in work.

still, there's a part of me that yearns for more creative experiences. in my secret world, where you could do exactly what you wished, I would be a writer of some wonderful , compelling book, or a series, probably for young audiences but perhaps not. in my daydreams I toy with writing under a pen name so that I get to keep my privacy, just have a life, go to church, etc. while quietly making a creative living... and then I think of all the book sales that might result from my anime fanbase, and think that I'd have to use my real name. which, for some reason, causes a twinge of anxiety. birthing the book would be tough, but somehow it would take shape and I'd find someone who knew someone whose sister was an editor, who'd read it and love it and pass it onto a publisher. or I could just print up copies myself and sell them out of my car. I actually wrote a children's story in rhyme years ago, and had the idea that commissioning a Texas artist to do fantastic artwork would really make it something special.... like a coffee table children's book. upon my recent visit to Bookstop, I was reminded that there are many great books for kids.

so what can we conclude from the above? A) in my current secret wish world, I'd choose to work alone, creating inspired things, maybe with a deadline, than have to network and schmooze and rely on other people to offer me job opportunities. and B) I think it's a travesty that they're going to close Bookstop due to the new Barnes and Noble on W. Gray.

on a slightly related topic, I check out craigslist every so often and truly think that, if I wanted to take another job, an accounting course would be in order. there seem to be so many opportunities for bookkeepers, for real.

Other observations:

We went into Just Add Water the other day to look for swimsuits, and my husband was scandalized at the prices. He said he'd rather I cut off a pair of jeans and wear a Tweety Bird t-shirt than pay that much for a tiny piece of swimwear. :)

John & Kate plus 8 makes my stomach hurt. I was never a fan of the show, but with all of the stuff going on now, I feel bad just glimpsing it as I channel-surf. I perceive that this show is ruining their lives, yet they chose to keep doing it because it's their sole source of income for the more extravagant life they're now leading.

I've been doing more cooking the past couple of weeks, and it's nice. I want to start making my own grainy bread. I recently read a cookbook called Super Natural Cooking, and it's sort of ruined me.

church last Sunday was so good, all the way around. I used to really dislike the fact that I cry easily, especially if others are upset or we're talking about Jesus. or if I'm praying. now I'm mostly convinced that empathy is a gift and it's okay to be moved by intimacy with the Father.

Bone is a seriously great series.

we got to watch the cardinal mom and dad teach two babies to fly in the last week, and it was so cool and fun. they were constantly swooping down to the babes and then up to the roof or the fence, chirping instructions and encouragement. while the babies hopped along and struggled to get airborne, I kept scouting around for the outside cats and hoped the baby birds would get the hang of it soon. watching them made me think of the scripture about how God provides for and remembers even the birds, and of how important and vital it really is, teaching kids to fly.

I drive to Dallas in the wee hours tomorrow morning to work for a couple of days, and while I'm there I'll be auditioning for another show. so, I'm thankful. M is flying to N'awlins Friday and coming home Wednesday, so please pray for safe travels for both of us over the next week. he's so good at what he does, and I hope his work and spirit is appreciated by those he comes in contact with.

-m.y.