october in december!

hahaaa, heeheee, haaahaaaaaa!  I'm so behind, I don't even know where November went.  but December is clearing up, so let's do a bit of catching up... and then I think I want to write about being game.  Gameness.  I've been taking R out to her Grammy and Opa's on Mondays and Wednesdays to get a little work done, and the car affords me time to think a bit (especially as my new medicine is kicking in and helping me not have panic attacks on the Beltway).  BUT - first things first.

PHOTOS.  (of October).

we went to the big island again.  this is me trying not to be afraid of flying.

aloha!

we upgraded our rental ride.

I honestly don't know why anyone wants to go here.  It's just so ugly. 

black sand is very odd.

volcanos are very awe-inspiring.

we finished listing to Gone Girl on audiobook in time to catch it in the theatre.

I came back home to my movers and shakers. I brought them dresses, which they proceeded to model:

we do a lot of dancing, because it's good for the soul.

wearing her hawaii dress to leapfrog class.  M told me it was crazy to buy them these dresses, since it's winter now.  I was all, 'hello, we live in Houston.'

a totally fun concert with friends.

art pumpkins.

snail buddies.

help with bible study homework.

I began taking M's teacher's advice and have been letting her dress herself lately (as much as possible).  it's been, um, interesting.  and not always easy.  

first homework.

awesome parenting.

baby blessings.

a long wait for lunch.

our new cousin baby k! 

halloween '14.

I was thinking on the drive home today about grad school, and particularly the first year.  There was a principle communicated during that time that's stuck with me - you should know who you are and what you do, and learn to control that, before you can be free to take on other behaviors.  For example, if you know you have a speech impediment, it's probably best to address it and learn to control/eliminate it in order to play both Medea and Eliza Doolittle convincingly, in a way in which you, the actor, can disappear unfettered into the role.

Early in the program, our movement teacher Annmarie made us come to class in formfitting clothing and watch ourselves carefully in the wall of mirrors... walking, sitting, standing, laying down, whatever.  It's a pretty awkward exercise.  Annmarie was a wonderful, light-filled person, and she told us two things: you should make friends with your body, because it's the only one you get.   And you should notice the things about yourself that are habitual, or things that might be limiting.  Not to harshly judge but to simply take account of your vessel and learn to make accommodations, if the need arises.  Awareness was a goal in and of itself, that was meant to open the door of compassion for self and others and pave the way for possible new choices.  It was meant to make you game to leave your tics and tricks behind when you need to.

I'm thankful for this medication right now, because it's allowing space to realize that I've not been as game as I wish to be.  I've allowed fear and anxiety to control my choices and behaviors in ways that are really too bad.  For sure, some of it isn't my fault at all - mental issues and body chemistry are no joke, and willpower can't overcome those things.  I have grace for that, of course, compassion.  But I think I began to think that some of my thoughts and choices were WHO I AM, and it closed me off and caused me to want to order my life around my limitations, around my sense of scarcity.  I challenge that in myself today, and am grateful for the mental and emotional space to do so.

I look at it the way I look at acting - a good actor is able to detach from self enough to imagine what it's like to be in someone else's skin, and find the truthful commonality in themselves to connect.  Even with villains, especially with the unlikeable.  It's difficult to open to such a thing when I can't see past myself, when I'm insistent on having it all in the box that lets me be controlling of everything.  It's difficult to engage with life authentically, to be open to walking into the ocean with my husband (which I fear because of Jaws and riptides), when I've got a death grip on everything.  When I need to control everything.  When I keep telling myself I hate to fly and be in the ocean.

This is not to say one can't have dislikes or habits, or general "I AM" statements - that's not the point.  But I do think we should be careful of what we let define us, of what we accept about ourselves and throw up between ourselves and others.  Our insights about ourselves can ultimately help us develop tools to be more accessible, not more remote.  I can't know how much of my anxiety was born of hormones and chemistry and how much was brought about by habitual thought patterns I decided to adopt and feed about myself and the world.  Paul said "I have become all things to all people, in order that I may win some." That's where I find commonality with him today.  The ability to be comfortable knowing one's self and still bend and adapt when needed, to be game for life and free to explore it, is a blessing and a prayer and a privilege.  I'm glad of the mirror and the opportunity to go again.

and also for modern medicine in all it's imperfections, praise Jesus.  

-m.y.