photo gallery from january:
one of my christmas gifts from mgb... I hope to ready many audiobooks from this iPad:
first day of ballet/tap class:
mama's t-shirt make good nightshirts:
through the window:
birthday trip to the metroplex:
birthday chicken dance!
pale blue dot shoot in austin, I played a casting rep:
glamorous view from my trailer.
ruby's first haircut!
thao & the get down stay down/neko case @ the house of blues with my dear friend J. girl power!:
I narrated a survey course on the first part of the Old Testament, which was really interesting.
in bible class this morning, we visited a Henri Nouwen reading that referenced 'whining'... to paraphrase, check yourself when you feel like whining about what you lack, because God says he's given us everything we need to do what we need to do. This was part of a commentary on the story in Acts 3 where Peter heals a lame man. 'silver and gold I do not have, but what I DO have I give to you. In the name of Jesus, walk.' do what you can to minister, use what you've got, stop complaining about what you don't have.
I had a strong reaction to the word 'whine', probably because I'm convicted of using it to chastise/characterize my daughters and am fairly certain it can also be used to describe some of my behavior. It's really not a very kind word - it's descriptive, to be sure, but I'm also seeing how damaging it can be.
Whiners come in all flavors. the little one whose wheedling tone makes you want to scream ('no one likes a whiner, Maggie!' I say, my eyebrows raised in warning). people who always seem to have negative things to point out or things to complain of. the repetitive plea that things aren't fair, or easy, or right. the endless drone of unmet needs. we all roll our eyes at some point and secretly (or vocally) wish people would just get over it. or shut up. or grow up. or just bootstrap yourself up. or act like a more mature 3 year old, you must have SOME skills!
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I narrated a course last year for community nurses, and was surprised to learn that there's a hierarchy of levels of trauma victims, the last tier being persons who had not actually experienced the event themselves, but had just heard about it and were peripherally affected. this makes sense to me: I was emotional for a week after the Sandy Hook shooting. The footage of the most recent devastating Oklahoma tornado aftermath was... well, devastating to me. So now I think about us all walking around as trauma victims, getting more of it's residue on our cuffs and in our skin the more we shuffle or race around in this very sad and scary world.
I had a miscarriage last year, and shortly after began experiencing panic attacks. I don't know if those things are directly related - they probably are, but I'm also 40, I'm seeing the effect of aging in my person after years of Peter Pan-type ideas of youth, my body is seeming to have some chronic pain issues, I'm attempting to reshape my career somewhat, I'm trying to give mgb and the girls my best, I'm trying to serve, I'm trying to keep my faith, I'm trying to find balance - the pursuit of which sometimes feels like a huge crock of poo, frankly. there's a lot of try there on my part, but there's also a good deal of whine. and the panic attacks are still happening, which scares me.
when my daughter whines, it sets my teeth on edge. figure it out!, I think. find something to do! get a steps tool and turn on the light yourself! learn to wipe your own butt! I don't care if you don't like the green lid, it's what I gave you and that's all you get! Some of it she does need to do herself, some things she's very capable of, and she will have to learn acceptance of the unacceptable cup lid the way we all must, with a lot of huffing and yelling. but some things she's not learned yet, or hasn't been taught yet, or hasn't been forced to learn yet. things that are very normal developmental feelings for a 3-year old. I just expect more of her, I assume she's further down the road than she is. I get tired of holding her hand all the time.
and as I write that my heart leaps and wants to take back that last sentence, because one of my fears is that my daughters won't know how much I love them and how they've changed and challenged my selfish being for the better. I sometimes wonder if complaining of my children is shooting the bird at God.
but the whining. it just wears you down, and it can turn you into an unsympathetic rock.
I understand. and I understand how needy adults can wear each other down. and yet, the crux of the matter isn't the pitch of the voice, but the content of the message. my daughter's usually is 'I need to be close', 'I need to be taught', or 'I need to be helped or coached' (my baby's is usually a concise 'food!', 'drink', 'ow!', 'love!'), and my truth is that I just sometimes don't want to do it, am overwhelmed, or I'm in the middle of something else I'd rather do, so it's easy to say, stop whining! you should know how already, figure it out! no one likes a whiner! I can't help you in this moment!
There's a very real phenomena of becoming so inundated with need/stimuli that you become numb to it, desensitized. it's also true that sometimes we're just flat ill-equipped to deal with the needs in front of us, so the easiest path is to sweep it under the rug, send it elsewhere, just avoid those people, or plop an iPad in their little hands and run to the bathroom. which, though entirely understandable, isn't of much help to the whiner, who might have a legitimate whine that an iPad can't help.
I intensely dislike feeling needy. I'm a very independent person, a very capable person. there's pride in that, and my American upbringing showing though. and yet, having my first child ushered in the most needy and stressful time of my life. The last 4 years or so have been wonderful, and the hardest. and I feel my need. I ask Jesus into it, but not often enough I'm certain. I'm grateful beyond measure for the support I have, and yet I still whine sometimes because I'm not mature, y'all. and because I have needs or feelings that I don't know what to do with, just like the little girl sitting next to me. it costs me nothing to admit that, though I'm sure it's annoying to hear a grown woman act needy who seems to have all of her faculties, limbs, friends, and the internet. I wonder sometimes if I'm mildly depressed, and that's why it's so easy for me to slither off the wagon of my daily bible reading. Or if I'm just so woefully out of practice that I just give in to the twelve other things pressing on my mind. Or if it's just a phase, like pregnancy-brain - if that's the case, this is a crappy phase to feel untethered to God, when I'm responsible for teaching my girls about him and feel the most careful and afraid of my mind and body.
what I'm trying to say, is maybe we project too much onto people, little and big. I think we assume other people are mature in their faith, and are quite capable of caring for their own needs adequately. maybe we measure their coping skills or abilities by our own experiences instead of encountering them as fellow trauma survivors who may be in survivor mode. we can't stop gently helping and teaching people basic tools of living, learning, and growing, a baseline courtesy we affirm over and over with each other, because it's entirely possible for people to look perfectly fine on the outside and yet have no idea how to reach their emotional, physical, or spiritual bootstraps. there probably are career whiners who just like to hear themselves whine, for sure, but there are some who need a teacher, or a coach, or a map, or an empathetic ear. or an apple juice. it sometimes gets repetitive to the point of madness, sure, but in my house that's usually because I've ignored or put off the first few requests. and needs don't go away if we ignore them.
though I do hope they'll look less like a deficiency on the other side.
thanks for reading, I know it's imperfect.
-m.y.
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