qualifiers

I was good at English back in the day, and one of my favorite assignments was to write persuasive papers.  I'm usually easily able to look at things from a few angles, and rooting for one idea while attempting to diplomatically address others and head off objections is something of a natural default button in my mechanism.

This tends to make some of my blog posts too long as I try, considering how the reader will experience the words, to shape and sculpt all of my thoughts.  It also keeps me from blogging more or sharing more of myself on fb and the like, because it's hard for me to put just a little piece of myself out there.  Second-guessing what others are going to think and working to craft my words so that I'm perfectly understood is tiring.  Putting myself out there without qualifying everything makes me feel too one-dimensional, too opinionated, too much, too open to judgement.

I say this because I had a ton of fun blogging yesterday about my day.  I didn't overthink or edit much - it was just a wackadoo day for me and writing about it made me laugh and brought a different appreciation and gratitude for that one day, which won't look like any other because they never do.

I didn't qualify like I normally would.  And don't you know, it bothered me later, because I couldn't control the spin.

The qualifiers might have looked like... "Not all days look like this, which is a relief because I'd be seriously stressed out and something would have to give.  Some days/weeks I don't have any or very little work, which is great because then I get to revel in being a stay-at-home-mom.  Did you know I grieved having to work after M was born?  I do know that wiving and mothering are more important than working, and don't mean to suggest that whatever working/mothering choices I make are superior or even in comparison to anyone else's.  Did I come off too work-centric?- because we're also family-centric and church-centric, I promise."

See?  I'm tap dancin' as fast as I can, ma, do they still like me?!  Silly to say, but true - deep down, I just want to be liked and sometimes my script tells me that if I allow myself to be truly known it'll turn people off.  Which, let's face it, is probably true.  This is absolutely true in my faith walk... I struggle to live fully as a Christian in all of the circles I run in.  I want to, but I'm guarded.

I'm guessing that here, on this secret little blog, it's not that big a deal that I don't qualify every blessed thing.  The prized few who read here know me pretty well, and hopefully we all assume the best of each other.  Sometimes we do lean one way or another... sometimes we're opinionated and unbalanced.  Sometimes we see glimpses into thoughts and parts of one another that aren't perfectly crafted for public consumption yet.  I know it's okay and that I'm not the only one who is squirmy about these things.  I know I can't control everything you think about me.  Ha!  God-complex much?!  

I'm suddenly aware of how annoyingly me-centric all of this is.  Pictures of babies will be forthcoming in subsequent posts, stat.

I'm not sure how to end this post, so here's this morning's Upper Room Daily Reflection:  

GOD OF ABUNDANT LIFE

and downward

inward

outward mobility

I come into your presence with empty hands

and anxious heart.

Help me to accept

and to remember

that you are more than

enough

for me.

-Kerry Greenhill, Alive Now, September/October 2011

-m.y.