Pacino Christian Bell

I'm working on another post expounding on that last one with the questions, but before I go to bed I want to write that sweet Chino passed away yesterday.  Since I found him at 6 months old, it seemed like he was always battling something... skin conditions, allergies, heartworms (twice!  even on preventative!), a tango with a car wherein he lost a toe, and then the grave prognosis of mouth cancer almost 3 years ago.  Despite all of that, he chugged along for a good 16 years and was one of the best-tempered animals I've ever known.  He passed away in the backyard near his food... our kind neighbors said they heard him bellowing, went over to pet him for a bit, and after they left they saw him lay his head down.  Michael found him when he came home from work.  I was in Dallas, which is incredibly sad, but I'm mostly relieved and thankful that he's not in any more pain.  It had gotten pretty difficult as his health deteriorated, and we had discussed taking him to the vet this weekend.  Deepest thanks to the friends who came over and helped Michael bury him.   Here are a couple of photos of Chi and Magz from last weekend:

I love you, buddy.

L

internet workings...

it's a quiet morning here.  the little one spent the night at grammy and opa's since M and I had plans last night - no toys have been strewn around the room yet, there have been no plaintive requests for 'Elmo!', and I'm drinking my coffee without fear of a 21-month old knocking it over.  I miss my morning cuddle, but appreciate the quiet moment.  before I head into the kitchen to make turkey chili for hot dog night at the church tonight and then gingerly pour myself into the tub before trekking to work, I wanted to share a couple of things.

one, that I read this blog from RHE yesterday, titled ' Fifteen Reasons I Left Church', and was riveted to the comments, which I've continued to peruse this morning and still haven't reached the end of them.  I don't think I've ever read such a gamut of opinion and experience, and one of my first reactions yesterday was 'this is how the internet should work... so many different flavors of people out there chiming in on an intensely personal topic, but very civil on the whole'... I'm interested in dialoguing more about what we expect our churches to be, what we're allowed to expect from them, and where 'church' may not be required to meet us...

another thought I've been mulling over as I've trolled around and read different pieces the last few weeks - that may dovetail a bit into the topic above - is the different sort of life structure my generation and those younger (and older?) than I have these days, and how it affects the traditional workings and expectations of 'church'. maybe this isn't 100% true, but my perception is that the life of church tends to model itself as the intended primary community of those who work within it.  I think many of us today have a number of communities we revolve in and out of that all vy for our limited time... church, work, family, friends outside our faith community, carving out time for ourselves... combine these with the ease and regularity of travel most of us engage in - which is generally waay more than people of past generations - and you get contemporary people of faith communities participating as they can, but maybe not in the steadfast, day in-day out fashion of congregants of the past.  How does this - or should this - change what our churches do?  Or how they do them?  How do churches of today navigate and plan for the mobile, fluid lives of people while simultaneously calling for community, help, and service?

-m.y.

monday morning

what do you do on a Monday morning, when you wake and feel a little jolt of 'I don't have much work booked this week and that's three light weeks in a row!"?  you tell yourself to relax.  you make a pot of coffee (and spike it with your daughter's lovely whole milk).  you remind yourself of the good months you and husband have had, of your savings, of the non-emergency-nature of this panic.  you throw open the doors to take advantage of the glorious morning.  you contemplate doing things but only do, like, one of them.  you take your coffee and computer outside and play with photo booth:

you resist the urge to read more about people using shamelessly uncivil language to describe a Georgetown law student, or any political something-something with which they don't agree.  you contemplate a quiet boycott of all media for personal sanity.  at least, political media - the continuing tornado coverage makes you cry, and you know it's the stories about suffering and humanity that you need to be exposed to, to be reminded to be helpful when possible and grateful all the time, all the time, that perspective is everything.  you finally come around to thanking your stars that you've been given time to slow down.  at some point every day you feel bone tired, and it's much easier to give in to such a feeling when you're not running in ten directions.

you prepare to run in and brush your teeth before heading out to your one session today.  and suddenly the last thing you want to do is leave this chair, on this deck, in this patch of sun.

-m.y.

the second of march

I've had a pretty light load the last two weeks work-wise, and have mostly thoroughly enjoyed it.  I don't have unending amounts of energy these days, and it's been really lovely to take things a bit easier.  We've still got our taxes to do, but as of this moment I'm caught up with my billing and whatnot and am feeling pretty accomplished (aside from the pile of filing still to address... Sesame Street is only an hr long, y'all).  I'm feeling our baby kick and move around pretty regularly now, which I love.  Here are a few photos from today... notice the meadow that is our back yard (we have a date with the lawn mower this weekend, and our front flower bed is a verdant sea of weedy weeds):

this one is a little obsessed with balls right now.  along with Elmo and apples, of course.

help, mama!

today - 21 weeks 1 day.  notice how comfortable I am with y'all - I got up this morning, threw on some clothes, and got with it.  aside from pinning my bangs back with a bobby pin, I did not fix my hair at all.  obviously.

The garage makeover is slooowly coming along.  More photos will come as we progress.  The clean-out has proven to be a more time-consuming job than I anticipated.  So far we've purchased an outdoor plastic storage unit for the back of the house to store the mower/leaf-blower/charcoal/wood chips for grilling & smoking/etc, and a metal shelf unit to live in the garage.  We've made trips to Goodwill and Recycling.  We've been collating things to keep from the attic with things to keep from the garage, and getting rid of trash.  M has gone through most of our boxed-up cd collection and is taking a large pile to Cactus Music to sell. Truthfully, it still looks like a train wreck out there but we're super-close to the next step:  blowing insulation into the ceiling and doing some repairs to the ceiling/walls before we can paint everything.  Other things we're eyeing for the space:  this cabinet to go by the washer/dryer for laundry and whatnot, and this ceiling fan to keep us all from melting away in the summer. 

Of course, the ultimate goal is to make our 2 bedroom/1 bath house work as well as it possibly can for us as we add a new member to our family.  here are other things I'm plotting:

Girls' room 'Before'.  The plan is for all of the things I've been storing in the closet to the right (as well as a few things in the one to the left) to go somewhere else to make way for a real closet organization system doohickie for these little people (we're likely going with one from Home Depot).  That white shelf unit to the far left will likely get moved across the room and turned on it's side to become the changing table (while still giving me good shelf storage).

I'm thinking we'll move the crib to the other side of the window and put a toddler bed for Magz under the tree branch, where her crib currently is (except positioned lengthwise down the other wall off to the right).  The red bookshelf, playmat, etc will get rerouted back over to the other side of the room where it used to live, in place of the white shelf unit by the closet.

The little hideabed craigslist couch is finding a new home somewhere else in the house... the while shelf unit will hopefully be here on this wall as storage/changing table. That tall lamp is being moved to another room, too, I think.

This shelving unit (sister to the one in Magz' room)  will likely be replaced by the little hideabed couch.  Tentative plans are to turn this unit back up on it's end and put it on the wall off-camera to the left.  I have a smallish old sewing table from YaYa (currently in the garage) that I'm plotting to put by the sofa with a lamp on it.  The short wall under the airplane art would be a space to put a toy basket to hold things currently hanging out in corners in the living room, Maggie's purple chair, etc.  I'm not sure where the coral chair would end up.

So see, that white shelf unit can go on it's end where the pretty brown cabinet is and still hold records and stuff.  Maybe.  Oh, and that closet back there in the dark hallway needs a do-over, too...

and the pretty brown cabinet can go in the dining room where the tree painting is.  Maybe.

Our house isn't huge, but the good-sized rooms give us lots of options for configuring our space.  This process of pulling dusty, hidden things out and holding them to the light is good - it's making us sift through things and determine what's worth keeping and what's not, and I truly think half of the battle is simply not having as much 'stuff' to worry about/keep up with.  

In closing, I'd like to mention the bible study I've been part of.  Though I've been far from perfect with regard to keeping up with the homework, overall it's been such a blessing.  I want to offer a word of encouragement to other mothers that I sincerely hope isn't translated into a guilt-thing - I know there are so many things vying for our time, but I encourage you to prioritize being a part of a bible study as you're able.  Sunday mornings haven't really been optimal learning times for me since I had Magz and I'm lousy at self-discipline in my day-to-day, so this Beth Moore series has provided me with a weekly opportunity to hear good teaching and delve as much as I'm able into the Word, with a little positive accountability built in just by being part of a group.  It's not always convenient, but the net effect on my spirit helps fuel me to be a better wife, mom, and church volunteer.  I loved a moment early in the series when Beth was speaking of her early days in teaching... she confessed something like, "Do you know how hard it is to teach a bible class when you're never in the Word?"  I DO know what that's like - in all of the volunteer capacities I serve in at SWC, I can easily feel run down, given to resentment, and covetous of 'my time' if I'm not being driven by love for God and His people... and that's just at church.  Can you imagine my attitude at home?!  So, maybe a class like the one I'm doing right now isn't for you... if anyone has other ways you obtain nourishment for your soul, I'd love to hear it.  If, however, you're our of practice like me and just need an encouraging voice to remind you that it's vital for us to be looking for spiritual sustenance somewhere, consider this that.

happy weekend,

-m.y.

* a quick addendum - the above thing I wrote about bible study isn't a sentiment reserved just for other moms, and I suddenly realize that's how it sounded.  that's just where I'm at - I wasn't good at self-discipline/practicing regular spiritual pursuit before I had a child, and having one just highlighted the fact in neon.  if you don't have offspring I want to encourage you to be a part of a study, too.  :) xo.

mid february 2010

I'm home with a semi-sickie/teething? girl today.  She seems way better than she was late in the day yesterday - by the time we got home from church, she was hot to the touch and rather puny, and after an afternoon of lounging and Tylenol she upchucked all over herself and mama (which almost, ALMOST triggered mama's gag reflex, too).  I don't know that she's particularly sick - when M gets a fever, which is pretty standard when she's cutting teeth, she's just more sensitive than usual and I probably shouldn't have allowed that sippy of milk in the afternoon.  Anyhoo, after I washed out our clothes - holding my breath the entire time, blech - and we both had a bath, we settled in for an evening of pedialite, crackers, and camping on the couch.  She's over there watching Elmo right now, and seems to be doing pretty well... a little demanding and puny, but no fever.  I've been puttering around doing paperwork and making to-do lists, and we'll be headed out to run a few errands in a bit.

true statement - it is the height of craziness to have a mostly empty week ahead according to my schedule, and feel a jolt of panic.  I've been so busy, and longing for a break to mother and wife and nest and organize and catch up, and what do I do when I realize I've got a mostly empty week?  quietly freak out.  it's a sickness, y'all, and I'm not at all kidding.  of course, as I wrote this K texted that he has work for me and when can I come by?  disciplining myself to cut back for an extended period of time is going to be a good, good thing for me.

M's birthday weekend

at Going Bonkers for M's 5th birthday

Uncle K was awesome to take this girl up into the craziness with the big kids

watching Elmo is serious business... it requires the special chair and friends to share in the goodness.

valentine's day.

we have undertaken The Great Garage Makeover.  I always forget to get good 'Before' photos, so here you go.  if it were a REAL Before, there would still be a closet back there by the washer/dryer, but hubs removed it while M and I were out of town one weekend.  you get the gist, though... it's pretty awful.  so BEHOLD, the Before photos in all their glory!

just you wait.  it'll be great in the end.


these flowers that hubs gave me for Valentine's Day still look so pretty to me.  this was taken this morning:

ninja.

see?  feeling better already.

happy monday.

-m.y.

the saturday before valentines, 2012

a few notable moments in the past couple of months (aka Things I See in iPhoto That I Realize I've Not Shared):

we went out for tex-mex and a concert one night... here are a few shots from The Mountain Goats show @ Fitzgerald's:

I have no idea if this video will play, but it's a fun clip from the show that captures a bit of John D doing his thang:

they didn't play some songs we really wanted to hear, but that was okay.  it was still a fun show - mostly because he has a really quirky and kinetic presence, as you can see.  for kicks, I wish he'd played this one:

the balloon will pop one day, and laws of nature will continue to become a reality as tears are shed.

cuddles on mama's growing belly.

I get sweet hugs when I get home from work.  note my hair, please... I have an appointment next week to give it some new life.

18 weeks

new year's eve at the p's house

the girl likes shoes.  these are mama's favorite vintage wedge heels.

ipad is a friend.  also note that this sundress from aunt bethy was worn in JANUARY.  hello, sortawinter.

for everyone's information, this will never happen again.  because it's dangerous and we won't allow it.  BUT, they assumed these positions before the first children's prayer lunch, and husband seized the moment before they were made to get down.

more shoe bizniz.

loves corn.  and lots of other things, too.

in general, I'm feeling really good and had two really positive doctor visits this past week.  if all continues to go well, we're done with all of the big tests and won't have to go back to see the specialist.  we're preparing to start our garage makeover, and I'm plotting a transition to try to work three days a week (MWF).  I know it would seem like no big deal, especially as I'm essentially my own schedule-maker, but it's not quite that easy when other people have deadlines for you to meet.  we'll see how it all pans out.  I've really been enjoying ladies' bible class, though it's still challenging for me to discipline myself to find time to do my homework.  I'm grateful to hear the teaching from BMoore.... it's been a while since I felt bible knowledge/application/understanding meet up in my head and actually start to stick.

more to write, of course, but it's saturday!  a special shout out to T today, who's having a baby boy this weekend....

-m.y.

non-resolutions.

I got to go to my meeting this past Saturday night for the first time in what seemed like ages, and came away aglow.  it was such a positive, uplifting hour, as we all talked about the resolutions we didn't make for 2012.  :)  I left the meeting jolted by of one of the central stimuli that makes me tick and want to take on the world.

stories.

real ones.

about real things happening to real people who are longing for/making/celebrating a change.  for me, it's like drinking an energy drink - I feel galvanized and a part of a collective kinship of people on the move.

one of my favorite things to engage in is the sharing of testimony, what's happened/happening with us, what we're moving toward, gratitude for new seasons and answered prayers, and there's no better place to learn how to do that than 12-step meetings.  I would say church, but I've simply heard more testimony at meetings and have more experience with it.

in my opinion, when it comes to personal sharing and confessing, meetings - at least the sort I attend - have an edge over church by their very DNA.  number one, practically everyone shares.  it's the form meetings take, so there's a built in assumption that most people will choose to talk (honestly, we assume) about their lives and journeys.  and two, the whole thing centers around where you were (when you were crazy) and where you are now (less crazy), which everyone identifies with and is a great leveler when it comes to perspective.  no one is shocked by anything you say, and no one gets to feel better than anyone else.  it's a safe space to be human, and to get to hear stories from other people who're also into learning A Better Way to live.  it's obviously easy to feel a part of a community when you get to be a part of that sort of thing.

in no way do I mean to slam church, as though this culture of sharing doesn't happen there.  I've read too many blogs, etc. lately that are down on church, and it's convicting.  I spent some time in 2011 being down on some aspects of church myself, and if I were making resolutions (which I'm not) one of them would necessarily have something to do with turning my church frown upside down.  on days when I'm feeling challenged, I like to blame some of my dissatisfactions on the external... 'if only that were different, or this happened, or I didn't have to work so hard'... but what I'm seeing is that if I want to experience more of what lights me up, I must actively seek that which will stir the embers and stop hiding out in busy work.  so that I have a story to tell again.  so that I'm compelled to share it, and others will be freed to share theirs, and it'll become a normal part of life to once again tell and hear stories of a living God making things happen.

I mentioned it briefly in a post before, but choosing to take the ladies bible class Beth Moore study is a step in that direction.  I don't know if any of you have read any of the articles/blogs lately questioning the content of ladies classes, but I'm aware that some women out there feel that the offerings are a bit dumbed down, overly emotional, and Bible-lite.  I even heard Beth Moore referred to derisively in one of the comments below the above linked post, as though her classes tend toward the shallower end of the Bible study pool and offend someone looking for a real in-depth study.  I get that there are many women incredibly gifted in Bible knowledge with a thirst for deeper study, and I wish them the meatiest classes they can find.  I know that some women are nourished bonding over knitting and conversation.  and then there are some of us who're just rusty and need a good primer in, oh, the stories of the old testament.  who goes with whom again?  and how do they fit into the overall God/Jesus story?  imagine I've been in the nursery with the babies most of the past year, had little to no sustained bible study in quite some time, and feel lost pretty quickly when things start to get too heady.  open the gospels and go!  help me remember what I believe?

to the women's ministry question, I think there's room for everyone.  and maybe even different kinds of groups without the need to call one deep and one shallow, which isn't really nice anyway.  to the question of my effort to get thee to a bible study any bible study for the love of Pete, I figure this Beth Moore study is as great a chance as any to hear the word of God (fruits of the Spirit... helllooooo built in life application!!) and petition for the beginnings of a fire.  plus, a friend straight up asked me to go and I appreciate her energy, encouragement, and obvious enthusiasm.  and the conviction that, until she asked, it hadn't occurred to me to try to attend.

so, no formal resolutions in 2012.  just fewer frowns (or, at least, frowns of shorter duration) and more living out and pursuing what I say I believe, so it spills out and splashes my daughter, my family, my community.  because I do believe God is real and has power to act, and that our real-time stories of imperfect faith are lifeblood to others on the Way.

-m.y.