a whole new level

*I realize I may be turning into that person who only talks about baby stuff. I promise to not be totally one note.... after this post. :P

so the level 2 ultrasound is a trip and a half... but before I get into that, let me just demonstrate the preparation that went into today's doctor visit. I wanted to feel confident and groovy... not that I'm superstitious and believe in 'good luck' clothing, but I thought feeling and looking good couldn't hurt when you're about to go look at your unborn baby's brain on a monitor and have people verify your age for the umpteenth time (YES, I'm over 35. risk is my middle name!). so care was taken in the selection of these awesomely stripey Smartwool socks:




and my peace necklace, which I picked up shortly after I found out I was pregnant:




may I just say... I've had to remind myself to take pictures as my body changes. I didn't consider it that big a deal, but then I read somewhere that it's nice for little kids to look at pictures of their moms when they carried them, that it's comforting or connective or something. so, I'm trying to be better about it. for whatever reason, I COULD NOT seem to work the frame to include my head today, so I decided the body shot was artsy:








the doctor told us that everything looks great, and that the baby is measuring exactly right for it's age (18 weeks 3 days). although a lot of it whizzed around and looked like blobs of nothing to me, we clearly saw it's ribcage and spine and brain and heart and leg and arm bones and watched as it pumped it's little hand open and closed (the doc said that was a particularly good sign... early motor skills, maybe?). the doc also turned on some thermal switch at one point and we saw red where the umbilical cord is connected to the baby and fluids are swooshing around, which was really cool. it was sitting crosslegged and in a breech presentation, so there was some jiggling around with the ultrasound thingie trying to get it to unwind it's legs and let us see the goods, if you know what I mean. ladies and gents, may I present our daughter!




sweet little thing, isn't she?! we're so happy and feel so very, very blessed and grateful! we celebrated by thanking God and heading to Niko Niko's to get our grub on:



I could eat that wing sauce all day. she was moving a lot... maybe she likes it, too.

:)

love to all,

-m.y.

retreating

husband and I were asked to go away to Brenham this past weekend and cook for our elders, church staff, and their spouses. what, go to Brenham?? stay in a cozy cabin, cook, and take our dog on walks all weekend? pfffft, o-KAAAYYYYYY, if you twist my arm a little more...

we had a really lovely time. our lodgings were so great, and though we actually had quite a bit to stay on top of we still had a restful, quiet weekend. we've known for awhile that we enjoy feeding others and seeing to people's comfort, and it was nice to have an opportunity to serve. plus, we learned some valuable lessons about time management and planning/cooking for a large group...

here's our cabin, called the Grand Retreat:

hot tub! we had every intention of getting in it (you could easily set the thermostat to a pregnant lady-friendly temperature), but got sidetracked and never quite made it. but you should all go and do it, like, next weekend.

the cool doors to the Retreat:

we made the walk over to the Farmhouse, there in the distance, a couple of times a day to make sure everyone had snacks to munch on between meals.

another look at the Farmhouse, which is a great place for a group of people to stay. I think it had three bedrooms, a nice sized room for hanging out, a big kitchen, tons of deck space, and another hot tub.

when he wasn't sniffing around outside, Chino spent much of his time engaged in this activity:

M working his voodoo on the breakfast... he turned 35 while we retreated, btw...

we served major meals on that bar...

and here's another shot of the greatroom/dining hall, complete with a big television and dvd player, rocking chairs galore, and a seriously awesome disco ball:

the greatroom also had a massage table in one corner and a chair with one of those Sharper Image shiatsu massagers. I enjoyed that chair very much. when we came out of the kitchen to socialize a bit, we had a great time hanging out with our elders and ministers and so appreciated the sweet and confirming things that were said to us.

while in Brenham I got my latest email update correlating my growing baby to food, and in this 18th week it said blam! is the size of a big bell pepper. we go tomorrow for our level 2 ultrasound, during which they check out the baby's organs and things to make sure everything is developing as it should. we're glad to get to see it again, but you can't help but be a little nervous and hope everything goes well. oh, and p.s. I'm feeling the little mover and shaker. VERY ODD FEELING. but once you feel it, you really want to feel it again.

I did not take the following photo and was tickled to find it on my camera... we're so thankful for these fine people and are very glad they asked us to come cook and play in the country.

I just wish they weren't so SERIOUS all the time .....read more about the retreat at Chelsie's blog!

-m.y.

it's mid-january already?!

welp, here we are on January 14th. blam! and I will be heading off to yoga class soon... here's what we look like now in my 17th week (the baby is supposedly the size of a turnip this week):



I still mostly feel really good... my appetite is strong and most foods appeal to me very much. Monday, after my first yoga class in at least four months, I downed a smoothie, ran some errands, and stopped on the way home for these healthy items: chips and green salsa, shredded cheese, lucky charms, sun chips, and two kinds of ice cream. although, to be fair, husband was wanting ice cream as much as I was. I haven't eaten lucky charms in decades, but I dreamt about them a couple of weeks ago and just needed to go there.

and speaking of dreams, in the swirling cacophany of last night's there was a really nice brief one where I became aware of a baby's head under my chin and reached down and felt a whole baby, just laying there on it's back across my upper body, and it was such a comforting, peaceful, integrated feeling. not quite as dramatic as the dream where I birthed a gray kitten, but way less puzzling and much quieter.

other notes about my pregnancy for interested parties: around 7p, I start wanting to drink tons of water. I'm just so thirsty at night. I'm feeling intermittent, fleeting twinges and little pains around my abdomen, which are almost assuredly everything enlarging and making space. I have had a couple of headaches, but nothing major. getting back to the gym this week has been so wonderful, and another great exercise in paying attention to my body. yoga class on Monday was INTENSE, for real, and I had to really focus on breathing a lot, positioning myself in ways that gave the baby enough space, and taking things slowly if I felt I needed to. the instructor was so helpful in showing me modifications, and I felt so accomplished afterward. well, accomplished and sore, especially in my hips and shoulders. a good bath is a lifesaver for me! I know the whole thing about being careful when taking baths to not overheat, but baths have seriously been very important in keeping me relaxed and warm this winter. anyway, I'm so glad to have a gym membership again... it's nice to have a place to go and really does help my mood and energy level.

I do get stressed out here and there. as reported earlier, we gave our renters notice a couple of weeks ago and they've already found a place to move to, so we'll most likely be able to start work on the house on Woodfin much earlier than we thought. which is wonderful! the stepped-up schedule also makes my mind work overtime as I mull paint colors/timelines/task lists/sorting through our things/list of items we need to purchase and what we can do without/insurance switchovers from rental to homestead/utilities/work and travel/money to make it all happen smoothly/furniture placement/on and on and on. I also have two on-camera bookings before the end of the month and am eager to get them behind me (as my belly proudly protrudes a little more every day)... with a push-up bra, awful posture, tucking my pelvis, and wearing deceptive clothing I can pretty much look less preggo and more been-to-the-buffet, but it's still a bit stressful. how weird is it that I've booked more on-camera/print work since I've gotten pregnant than the entirety of last year?! it's exciting, for sure, and we're so thankful that God has completely blessed us at every turn. M even helped me do my taxes, and I'm on track to be completely done with wrangling receipts, working out mileage, adding up totals, etc. earlier than ever! however, it's still easy for me to lose focus and get a bit distracted or easily thrown when I'm surprised by things or if there's a hint of trouble. once again, this is turning out to be an excellent opportunity to just take things one day at a time, try to eat, drink, and sleep enough, and remind myself over and over again that God is in charge of my life and thank Him for it... I don't want to miss living fully in the here and now and appreciating what I'm being given for getting twisted in a knot about things ahead.

so, praise Him this day, all my people! praise for gyms and health and family and friends and opportunity and sleep and water and vitamins (gag) and veggies and sun chips and shelter and drawstring pants!

-m.y.

good things.

being home.

payday.

getting a permanent crown. oh, yesterday I chipped the temporary one on an english muffin. buttered! and attempted to file the rough edge with a nail file from my cosmetic case in the rearview mirror of my car. hopefully, with the placement of the real, cemented crown this particular saga is behind me.

my father-in-law came over this afternoon and put anti-freeze in our cars. so very sweet of him, I was really touched by that.

eating 6 fat olives, one after the other.

clean laundry smell. not to be outdone by clean dog smell.

I had an awkward and unfortunate work situation happen earlier this week with a peer that I hired to do some work for me, and no matter how hard I tried I was having a hard time getting past it. I can easily become obsessed about interpersonal things like that, especially when it's not resolved to my liking. this morning, I called up my dear friend and sponsor, Sara, told her what happened, and asked for any wisdom she had. I trust her to be honest with me, and I knew if there were more I should do in the situation or if further amends needed to be made she would help me see it. after we talked, I ended up finally feeling confident that I did the best I could and now needed to accept what happened, let it pass, and trust the outcome to God. I can't tell you how grateful I am for people like that in my life, and how necessary they are to me.

the only boo today is that M is in New Orleans tonight, so Chino and I will be curled up with one another watching tv that husband wouldn't tolerate. :)

maternity modeling... generous cousins are the bomb

my cousin Robyn lent me a tub full of wonderful maternity clothes at Christmas, and this morning before church I dove in and pulled out this pretty, super-comfy blue shirt that looked totally fly with the awesome scarf my brother and sister-in-law gave me. thanks so much, cousin! here's me trying to be all catalog-y:

close-up on the bump... there's an avocado-sized baby in there this week!

and this is is one of the reasons I would lay down my life for mr. bell... he had to run to his office this morning, and on the way back to pick me up for church he stopped at La Mexicana and got me a breakfast taco of refried beans, egg, potato, white cheese, and green sauce. AND chips and queso! mi corazon belongs to you, senor.

I have to drive to Dallas in the morning to work for a few days, so everyone have a good week!

-m.y.

maiden soupage, or a gleaming, golden bowl of Positivity

we broke in the Cuisinart with a tasty butternut squash soup!

the ingredients:

1 big butternut squash, and about a half of a medium-sized one (because it was older, and I was concerned the end of it was going a teensy bit soft)
olive oil, for drizzling
2 med white potatoes, peeled and diced
half an onion, diced
3 tbsp butter
3 local carrots, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
vegetable stock
half & half
salt & pepper (we like kosher salt)
green curry paste

I halved and baked the squash (drizzled with olive oil) on a baking sheet at 400 degrees for about 50 minutes. then I let them cool, and M scooped out the seeds and then the flesh. in a big saute pan, I cooked the potato, onion, carrot, celery, and a pinch of salt in the butter until the onions were translucent, and then added about 16oz of vegetable stock. most of the recipes I read called for chicken stock, but we'd just bought a concentrated vegetable stock so that's what went in. *note, I know many people believe that you need to make the stock from scratch for it to really be good, and I won't dispute that the real stuff has tons of flavor, but sometimes you need to cheat and that's where we are.* I added the squash to the pan too, mixed everything together, covered and cooked it for about 40 minutes (until everything was soft), then turned off the burner and went to the movies to see Avatar.

good movie. I cried. see it in 3-D if you can.

I came home and set about spooning my veggie concoction, which had soaked up most of the liquid, into the gleaming, gorgeous food processor:



note for a moment how crowded our countertop is. dear, tiny little kitchen. husband said earlier today that one of his heartfelt wishes is that we don't have to use every spare bit of counterspace as storage in the house on Woodfin. here I am preparing to hit 'GO!':

here are some of the ingredients we used... the half & half somehow missed the picture:

after it was all pureed, which happened in two batches, I ended up adding about 2.5-3 cups of vegetable broth and about 3/4 to a cup of half & half to get it to the consistency I wanted. I added pepper, another good pinch of salt, and about 2 tbsp of the curry paste, for a smidgeon of heat and, um, curry flavor (because I love it). here's what it all looked like in the soup pot... delish, I tell you! and good for your soul!

I had mine in a cup, for I needed to down it quickly and head to my meeting (which was great... it was all about having hope and courage tonight, and being with my family there felt so good):

here I am enjoying the soup I made immensely:

husband added sriracha, goat cheese, and parsley to his bowl, and toasted some bread.

he had seconds, too.

mission accomplished! welcome to the family, Cuisinart food processor, you can stay! I have no idea where we're going to store you.

in other news, we gave our tenants notice today, so the countdown has begun to Woodfin! our renters have been so great, but I'm excited and looking forward to being back in the house and preparing it to be home to our family.

here's a song I love from the latest Mountain Goats record, The Life of the World to Come... M and I have both taken to this album, and J. Darnielle is a fascinating dude. (for a live recording of the song and a glimpse of J.D. in action. click here):

the fear monster is busy...

so the most trying thing about pregnancy for me has definitely been the fear factor - that you could, knowingly or unknowingly, be doing something to harm your unborn baby. I rather unthinkingly quipped on facebook that goat cheese has been a new year's treat for me - we bought some to take to a party last night, and I enjoyed some of the leftovers with my breakfast and as a snack today. it's especially good eaten in tandem with cerignola olives, preferably the black ones.

this might be an appropriate time to mention that I don't post on facebook very much, and this is partially why - I feel that most of the time it's easier to hide out and just live, without commenting on my life or inviting others to. except for, you know, posting all sorts of personal things on this blog, which I still see as a somewhat private place to share and let my hair down with people I have a closer friendship with. I welcome comments here, because there's space and time to flesh things out, and a real person to go to for more conversation. anyway, a relative remarked to my quip that her daughter-in-law's baby doctor said no to bries and soft cheeses and maybe I should check to be sure it was safe, and I quickly assured her that I'm careful to eat only pasteurized products I know the origin of (and, I forgot to mention, only U.S. ones, no international varieties. I did think about going back to amend the comment, and throw in for good measure that goat cheese is something of a treat for me - in case anyone thought I was eating it by the fistful every day - but I thought that might look a little defensive).

of course, I know that there's still potential danger lurking everywhere, and a lot of people choose to avoid even pasteurized soft cheese just to be safe. and, of course, that's fine. and even though I felt perfectly okay indulging in the cheese I carefully selected, here I sit now, with a gnawing worry that maybe, today, my selfish goat cheese desires are hurting my little, apple-sized baby.

from unwittingly taking a few ibuprofen to deal with my tooth situation (the internet says it's 'not the best but okay as long as you're not in the third trimester', I'd never heard anyone warn against it, and it's what I normally take for headaches/cramps... but everyone else apparently knows that it's potentially dangerous and a no-no for pregnant women, so I immediately stopped taking it), to making the switch to 'safe' Tylenol (but for such a long period that I rationed the pills and bargained with my pain, scared that the baby would be hurt and secretly wondering if the moms on the 'net who endured their pain like pioneers rather than introduce anything to their system were better moms than me), to worrying that I might have a tooth infection and, if so, the baby was in jeopardy, to struggling over the decision to get highlights (a client who'd already hired me requested my hair be lighter a day and a half before the shoot, and this was before we'd told anyone - even our parents - about the baby), to sitting in the bathtub and hoping it's not too hot, to drinking decaf (or a cup of the real stuff), to accidentally eating any number of things that later you find out could be awful, there's a lot to get freaked out about and a lot of opinions to sort through. and that doesn't even cover the normal, weird physical stuff that happens all the time, like the twinges you get down below that are most likely things just, um, stretching out, but could be something more serious maybe we should consult the internetz...

I've actively tried to avoid books and articles that could scare me further, opting to shoot for positivity and a certain amount of ignorance rather than obsess about what 'could' be happening inside me - or not. because let's face it... there're already so many unknowns, you don't need help being paranoid... you have no idea what's happening inside you and you mostly pray it's all going alright on it's own.

but that feeling is hard, isn't it... the one where you think you're being judged as a person who doesn't love their baby enough to refrain from whatever it is some choose to refrain from. now, I don't know that that's true at all, the part about others judging me, and it's probably not... but the self-judgement certainly feels true and that's always worse. it's subsiding now as I type, but there for awhile I was awash in goat cheese guilt...

this is just me, but there are some things that comfort me. amazingly, healthy babies have been born for a long time, to healthy people and to ignorant people and to people who abuse their bodies and do all manner of unsafe things. which is certainly no license for crazy, but does give me hope. I'm comforted by my doctor visits, by a strong heartbeat and steady weight gain. I'm comforted by the fact that if we had a child with a problem, we've talked about facing that together and with the knowledge that God is both in control and the giver of blessings and strength. I'm comforted in my growing belly and good general health so far, and don't want an unhelpful amount of fear to kill my enjoyment of this time. I'm also comforted in the knowledge that we're all different, and that we're allowed to do it our own way.

because the truth is, I don't know if I've hurt it. I really hope I haven't. I don't want to, and the prayer I most often ask husband for/speak/think over the baby right now is for protection.

thanks for reading these ramblings. as always, feel free to remark. We're going to have succulent black-eyed peas (for luck) and cabbage (for money) for dinner to uphold tradition, but I feel more viscerally than ever that our 2010 is entirely in the hands of a creator God who is good and has power today to do more than we can ask or imagine, and that's the most comforting and hopeful thing I know.