and it all spills out.

today, my brain feels both full and tired. this week has been big, and the national side of that is only a small part of my emotional salad. I'm thinking of some people close to me... the horrors and frustrations and pain that comes with aging, the opportunities that lie around every corner to both expose our weaknesses and our strengths, the very real and unseen forces of both good and evil that are and have always been present in this world. the fallible nature of humans, used to God's glory. grief. joy. connection. anger. fear. compassion. I remain blessed and humbled, free to think and yet seriously checked in my imagination and judgements. wild and careful-feeling. self-examining, finally.

In my current mood, I'm revisiting an album by D. Webb called The House Show. I appreciate his candor and ministry... here's an example from his intro to 'I Repent'... if you get the album, be warned that he likes to talk. :)


"I think that we often believe, if we’re really honest with ourselves, that the Christian life is about how well we can learn to hide our sin… we think that we’ll be able to measure the growth of our spirituality by how little we are sinning, or maybe at least how little we can convince everyone, ourselves included, that we are sinning. But the Christian life is not about hiding. It’s not about living in fear. But gosh that’s what we all do, though, is it not? We just live in fear all the time that we’ll be found out. I’m telling you, the best thing that could ever happen to anybody in this room, the best thing, is that your sin would be literally exposed on the five o’clock news. Your deepest, darkest, most embarrassing sin. The one you work the hardest to hide, would be broadcast on the five o’clock news. Best thing that would ever happen to you. Best thing that would ever happen to me. Because I am so weary, I am so tired, of hiding my sin from people. Of deceiving people about who I really am. I’m tired of it. I just wish that my sins would be exposed, I wish there were huge screens that would just show you the truth about me, all the way down to my core…. In order that I could not, I didn’t even have the option to hide from you anymore. In order that I would have nothing but Jesus to grasp on to, because that’s all I’ve got anyway. ‘Cause the truth is, your sins have been exposed… they’ve been exposed to Jesus. He knows you better than you’re even willing to admit to yourself. But he’s forgiven you! Take joy in the fact not that your sins are not real but that they are real, and that your Savior is real! I cannot tell you this enough times, in hopes that any of us, one of us, even me, might believe this. I’ll never tire of saying this to people. I’ll never tire of hearing it myself, because by the time I go to bed tonight I’m not going to believe it again. I’m going to be thinking of ways to hide my sin from people, in hopes they might like me, or something. But that’s not what my Christian life’s all about, that’s not what sanctification’s all about, that’s not what growth as a believer is all about. It’s about coming to grips with who you really are and being willing to admit that to each other. In order that that might happen in your community, that others might come and say, ‘You know, I heard you talking about this sin, and that was bold of you, brave of you to admit that… it’s kind of leading me to repent as well, I want to tell you something. I want to invite you into where I hide in hopes that I might not hide there anymore, make it harder for me to go back there. ‘Cause the light switch has been turned on. Please, please, begin preaching the gospel to each other in a way that you might actually believe it, a way that you might come out of hiding and in a way that might change our communities.” - intro to ‘I Repent’, Derek Webb


here are the lyrics of the song:

i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream
i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything
of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent, i repent of parading my liberty
i repent. i repent of paying for what i get for free
and for the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent

bridge
i repent of judging by a law that even i can't keep
of wearing righteousness like a disguise
to see through the planks in my own eyes

i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need
by domesticating you until you look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent.


heavy, I know. I'm just listening to it. and mulling. one of my favorite parts of the album is the intro to 'Wedding Dress'... "This next song is my own confession... confessing that because of my unbelief, because of the fact that I don't believe the gospel... I don't believe that Christ is really sufficient for me, I don't believe that he'll really meet all my needs... I don't, I struggle to believe that. And you can see it by the way I live. And because I don't believe that I all too often give in, am convinced or wooed by what some theologians have called Lovers Less Wild than Jesus... that would seek to convince us they can satisfy us."

I can't see, hear, or write the word 'theologians' without thinking about this Wilco song.


*****


as for the election... it's a remarkable time we live in, that's for sure. I was undecided for a long time, as hard as that was for some to believe, and ultimately voted third party. I know there's an opinion that doing so is effectively throwing your vote away, but my conscience felt lighter after checking mr. barr's name, and since I'm not particularly interested in furthering partisan politics it didn't make sense for me to vote 'against a party'. aspects of each major candidate's campaign didn't sit well with me, I was disappointed in both of their plans regarding the war, and fiscally I couldn't get behind either one of them. turns out I'm sort of a conservative centrist. maybe? honestly, I'm still reeling from what I consider to be the travesty of the bailout and subsequent decisions made by Congress. I do not support the expansion of federal government's actions and power in such a way at all, and I sincerely wish one of the presidential candidates had had the nuts to really emerge as a leader during that fear-driven time. Witnessing the events of those couple of weeks, the exposed motives of so many and the incredible reach of the Fed into private business at the expense of the tax-payer, I lost much good opinion and faith in our government, and I've become quite cynical about the body's fundamental motives and unabated disastrous stewardship. so that's how I voted. shrug. I will respect President Obama - for his intellect, for running a good campaign and rallying over half of the country, for the office he will hold and the responsibilities that come with it. I told M that in speaking with people and watching election coverage I've been reminded a little of when Clinton ran the first time - I remember voting for him as a freshman in college (I think), and how excited so many of us were about his charisma and appeal, and the great change from the Bush Sr. administration he was sure to bring. of course, this is even more momentous for a multitude of reasons. what huge burdens Mr. Obama inherits, though he has the benefit of a lot of national and international support - at least, for now. regardless, I confess my thoughts remain stubbornly filled with quiet, independent action plans... to keep getting up every day as a believer, working my business, paying quarterlies, staying involved in our church and city, attempting to be in-but-not-of my work communities, trying to make sound choices, living within our means, and attempting to plan and take responsibility for the space we occupy on this Earth while helping others along the way. I think I could have been a pioneer. heh. um, maybe. and does this kind of thinking gel with the sentiments of the song I'm mulling over above?? well, it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've exposed some hypocrisy...


*****

can I say how glad I am to have a place to write these things? for while it lasts, I'm thankful.


*****

behold the blessed bumblebee:




-m.y.

"it's 'Penn's Woodlands'... that's what 'sylvania' means!" - mgb

we're back from our tour of Philadelphia... what a wonderful vacation! there were a lot of interesting things to do, the city is pedestrian-friendly and SOOO pretty, the weather was great, we had good friends to see, and the cheesesteaks were plentiful. rather than photojournal the trip this time, I've made a movie of it... if you hang in there, the payoff at the end is pretty sweet. :)



philly, yo. from married yoshimi on Vimeo.


*****

it's hard to make out, but the phrase engraved on the tomb in the video above is:

'BENEATH THIS STONE RESTS A SOLDIER OF WASHINGTON'S ARMY WHO DIED TO GIVE YOU LIBERTY'


I was slapped by it a little.


*****


I'm glad to be home. and to be married to this man. major props and gratitude for his graciousness in letting me drag him around in search of the best souvenir t-shirt, and for trading foot massages at the end of the day. I'm glad this election is almost over. I wish my house was clean. and that the coffee was finished brewing. today, I prayerfully struggle to hand over worries and concerns to the only One who can bear and transform them into greater faith, reliance, wisdom, and patience.

-m.y.

liberty!

I cast my ballot today... the turnout blew my mind a little. how cool that so many people are participating in this election?!

******


and in the spirit of all things American, I shall go pack my bag for an early morning flight to Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love and a place rich in our country's history. pray for safe travels!

riches.

I write the following hoping write softly won't deck me with a boppy - I slept until 10 flipping 15 today!  craziness!  and so decadent!  yesterday I woke up with a little cough and a weird heaviness in my chest, reminiscent of the bouts of bronchitis I used to have twice a year like clockwork when I was a smoker.  it's been almost 5 years since I took a puff, though, and I have to say I haven't missed the bronchial-sickness-monster because he is a gross foul fiend of a jerk.  after church, the hub went to Whole Foods to pick up something for my cough called Herbal Expec, which he has great faith in, and we went home to cook a roast (him) and fall asleep on the sofa (me).  I woke up to lounge around, watch Jeepers Creepers, and eat the aforementioned roast... which, it has to be said, was mouthwateringly good.  I married a keeper, ladies and gentlemen.  the potatoes were sort of crispy on the outside and fall-apart soft, and the carrots were good and caramelized... 

anyway, I finally hit the sheets after midnight, woke up to say goodbye to my hard-working husband, and promptly turned over and slept again.  and woke at 10:15.  I can't tell you the last time that happened... and to sound even more lazy, I think I could even go for another nap here in a bit.  I'm glad, though - I've been yearning for a real break, and for rest.  Work has been steady, and even when I've had a day off here and there it's so easy to fill it with tasks and 'need to's.  we leave for vacation in Philly this week, and I want to be 100% healthy and ready to participate in our American History vay-cay.  I think the extra sleep has made me a bit loopy or sleep-drunk or something, though... I missed a couple of turns earlier, and even had to run back into the grocery store because I got laundry detergent instead of dishwasher detergent.  good thing I'm home now, where I'm safe.  unless I forget to feed the animals or something - they'll let me have it.  ;)

in preparation for our trip to Someplace Cold, we've done a bit of shopping for winter essentials.  man, it's been so long since I've seriously been shopping that I found myself wigging out a little and second-guessing myself... do I really need that?  do I need the $20 version of the undershirt, or will the $10 one be just fine?  D.Ramsey has changed me, people!   I did splurge on a super-soft green sweater from Marshalls... whatever, I love it.  and the pink turtleneck I'm wearing right now makes me happy.

since I bought some new things, I'm going through the clothes I already have and working on our upcoming garage sale.  there's already a pretty big pile of both clothes and houseware items... it's really startling the amount of stuff we have that we can easily part with and never miss.

I'm excited about our trip.  it's our first real vacation as married people, without me being guest at a convention.  I'm excited to feel the cold and see new things and hug my friend's neck.  I spoke with her on the phone today, and am in awe of how she's taken tragedy and grief and chosen to frame it through the eyes of God.  to hear her faith and reliance on Him is humbling, and so I praise You today, Father, because she does.  be with my t-bird and j.  and please, please bless them.

other people's ideas...

I was surfing last night and was really provoked by the latest two entries at Godgrown... The Stock Market’s Recession; the Economy of God’s Advance and Advent Conspiracy. A few weeks ago, we discussed the Acts 2 text in bible class, and this part in particular makes me uncomfortable (beginning w/ verse 44): "And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved."

I struggle with the bolded section, because I don't know what that's supposed to look like. and how it relates to other teachings... like Luke Ch 12 for instance. and what do you do with 1 Thes. 3:10-11: "For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order: if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either. For we hear that some among you are leading an undisciplined life, doing no work at all, but acting like busybodies." ... this rears it's head in judgement so often in my head toward others, and it definitely affects the graciousness of my giving and ties it to the actions/choices I perceive others making. the truth is, I want us to keep making money, to save it to buy a house, to be able to use it to give and travel, to plan for the education of any kids we may have, to hope to have the funds to make wise decisions for retirement so my family isn't burdened and my husband and I are cared for. are we intended to really try to let go of material ties and learn those sorts of lessons and reliance, or just not be ruled or motivated by the desire/need/worry about such things? though I don't believe in socialism as a way for a government to govern - government being an unreliable and fickle steward, IMO - the concept of sharing wealth and goods and being a giver is all over the Bible. but how does that look? the passage is confrontational to me. my husband knows why... as we sit down to do our budget each month, I am challenged in the area of giving. years of self-employment with no reliance on credit and a deep conviction to support and take responsibility for my adult self has made 'keeping enough back to feel safe' my default button. what 'enough' means is very discretionary. ;)

anyway, I was glad to read Godgrown's posts. again, I don't know them and I sincerely hope they wouldn't be freaked out by my lurkings. if you have a chance, check out the entries. the Christmas post is convicting as well... a few years ago, I realized that one of the enjoyments of giving great gifts at holidays was how it reflected on ME... if I could buy these awesome things, didn't that mean I was doing well??! I've really tried to move away from that sort of thing and operate from a different place... M and I have been putting back funds every month for Christmas spending, too, so that will determine how much we're allowing ourselves to spend. who knows, maybe we won't even spend all of it.

here is today's Daily Reflection, which I thought was appropriate:

THE CHRISTIAN LIFE is not about political ideology, or about condemnation, or about trumping someone else’s experience. It is about Jesus, about being his disciple, about falling in love with God, and about having the courage to let that kind of devotion actually change your life.

- Derek Maul
Get Real: A Spiritual Journey for Men

From p. 15 of Get Real by Derek Maul. Copyright © 2007 by the author. Published by Upper Room Books. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.


*****

I am a tad annoyed by work today, actually. I need to turn my frown upside down, I think. one of the great things about what I do is that as frustrating as something can be, it's usually over very soon.

films and gatherings...

we saw two - count 'em - two movies last week! how 'with it' are we?! first was Body of Lies.. which was fine, I like Leo, but which was also pretty violent and I worried about the psyche of the kid sitting in front of us. then, Saturday night, we went to the River Oaks to see Rachel Getting Married. we both really liked this movie... here's the trailer:




the characterizations are good, it's fun to look at and listen to, and, considering the subject matter, I thought the writer, the director, the actors all did a good job of keeping the dialogue on the organic-feeling side and not so cliched and speechy. M and I also both noted how this movie more accurately portrayed a real 12 step meeting than most - it's not all smoke filled rooms and platitudes. anyway, we were still talking about it the next day and would recommend it.


*****

we had our small group over last night, and it was so fun! I think there were 18 (or 19) adults, 2 toddlers, and 2 babies, which was just wonderful! it was so great to be able to host this gathering - to allow us to become more familiar with people and catch up, to get to know new faces, to (hopefully) just relax and just have a good time with people who love Jesus. M made spaghetti sauce with tasty turkey meatballs, and we served it on top of a pile of wheat-blend spaghetti in Honey's huge cast iron dutch oven alongside salad, couscous/chick pea/ feta salad that C brought, and that awesome garlic bread the McD's brought. and dessert! pie and brownies and ice cream and homemade candy and pretzels.... man, it was good stuff. thanks to all who brought goodies, drinks, ice, etc. our 242 meetings have really become something I look forward to - with so much going on in people's lives, so much travel and work and competing obligations - it's good to hang out and talk movies, politics, church, babies, life with these peeps. and the singing at T's last month was awesome, too! it's my hope that God helps our group become more and more a source of strength, camaraderie, trust, and service.

here are a few pics... some of them are dark and sorta blurry, but I wasn't feeling the flash so whatever!









I have to go read into a microphone for a bit. I'm getting up obnoxiously early again in the morning to go work in Dallas for a couple of days, so I'm determined to squeeze every drop of enjoyment and peace out of this day in the fair city of Houston.

xoxo

chicago!

I printed some pictures to frame today, and was reminded of what a fun time M and I had in Chicago when we were still dating. We decided to invite our moms to join us on the trip, and we all bunked in the same room (which turned out to be gigantic) at Hotel 71, on the river on Wacker just south of Michigan Avenue. We saw a lot of the city and then went to the Pitchfork Music Festival... I think this trip is what sold me on the awesomeness of public transportation. Here's a little photo album of good times...

happy weekend!