thursday night

bone tired
but have yet to remove my shoes.
thinking of what needs to be cleaned and washed and put away
and the things to be done and words to be read tomorrow and the days after that
to meet deadlines and satisfy just cause for payment.
fresh from nursing again
and in such love of her weight and rounded little self
so generous and content except when IT'S TIME TO EAT MAMA
and she's suddenly strong and possessive of me.
the other one is in her bed
learning so much now and soooo dramatic
I ache for her safety and understanding
the other day I taught her what to do if she looks for me
and can't find me
in the morning I will hold them both while we watch the Today show
and I'll love it and accept the big one's offer to add 'cream' from her sippy
to my coffee.
my love is at a rock show and I'm so glad because
he loves it and I love him.
the house is quiet and I should do my daily touchstone tasks and go to bed:
put away toys
wipe the table and counters
wash sippy cups again and again
but crazy stupid love is on hbo and I sit here
and suddenly decide to type something about how much I love
her
and her
and him
and how I'm sometimes lost in the tractor beam of all of the busy good things we do
and so hopped up on caffeine and my mental list and cramming it all in
I look up and wonder where the day went
and what I'm tethered to.
I miss them and I want a vacation, staycation, whatever
I want to go on retreat and come back changed.
I have so incredibly very much that it seems an ugly, narcissistic, emotional indulgence
to allow myself to wander down the 'what am I doing?' road again and wax general melancholy.
but I heard someone lost their husband yesterday
and two small boys lost their father
and heartbreak happens all the time.
and I try to love God and Jesus and trust and not be afraid
but I weep to think of losing this and I wrap my arms around them while I can
and say please please please.

I don't know how to end what I started here.
husband just texted a lyric and I can picture him singing it loud and with his hand up
crazy stupid love is a good movie
not safe for kids, but good.