lame blogger...

with all of the material I've amassed lately, how could I NOT be blogging my fingers off?? there can only be a couple of reasons:

a) I'm just incredibly lame. LAME.

b) I'm just incredibly doing other things. and when I'm not, I'm incredibly not inclined to string sentences together with thoughts and stuff behind them.

but I think about it. oh, do I think about it.

here's a smattering of topics I've thought to write about, and be warned - some of it isn't for the squeamish:

The Aftermath of Birth, Part One - this would be about my time in the hospital after giving birth. this would be a very graphic and gory post about my absolute shock at all of the blood, everywhere, after this event. for days and days. about the slow and ever-so-careful trips from the hospital bed to the bathroom to attempt to deposit enough red, metallic-smelling pee in a dish for the nurses to examine while trying to keep the place from looking like a crime scene. the smell of blood like that is one of the most stomach-turning things I've ever experienced, no lie, and I wanted to keep all of my loved ones far, far away from it. about the multiple pads on my bed and in my mesh drawers that I kept obsessively changing. about Tucks medicated pads, so cool and soothing. about laying in that hospital bed and trying to get a wink of sleep between the baby waking up and nurses popping in, unable to get comfortable because my back and arm muscles were so freaking sore from pulling my legs back to push the baby out. about the slow, ginger descent into the hospital's whirlpool tub and fervent prayers that I'd be able to lift myself out of it again, and the fabulous, healing, near spiritual experience I had in that tub the half-dozen times I used it before I went home. about the pain medication... ah, how sweet you were. about all of the information given to us by nurses, consultants, and nursery attendants, much of which I don't really remember because I'd just had a baby and barely slept at all you guys, this is a lot of information, for real, and how do you expect me to keep up with all of these papers?? this is where I would point out that mikebell is a God-send. literally. and I should probably point out that all of the nurses and staff were really extraordinarily nice and helpful.

The Aftermath of Birth, Part Two - this would be about coming home. it would touch on things like, oh, the fact that I retained a lot of fluid in my legs that made them look super swollen, and how it eventually worked down into my feet and made them look like fat little sausages. and how that sort of messed with my ego. as did the fact that, when I came home from the hospital, the scale showed I'd only lost 5 lbs. now, I knew these things were temporary, but that didn't stop me from feeling ginormous and puffy. I'd recount the terror of the first bowel movement, and how it ended up being not so bad. then I'd caution against getting too smug, and extoll the virtues of continuing to take stool softeners so you'd be spared passing the tearful, traumatic, and shocking anaconda-like waste I did a few days later. I'd probably talk about how we thought Maggie was so laid-back until the night she screamed at us and wouldn't be pacified by any of our desperate antics, and how Marmee came in and gently took her away to soothe her and leave us to fall into a rattled sleep. about how her first real meltdown was a little terrifying, and how now I find it largely funny. about how I'd feel so calm and cool, and then find myself looking at her and dissolving into tears of love and fear. about how everyone says to take it easy and I totally get that, but all I wanted to do was get up and do something useful and normal with my body, like clean the bathroom. about how hard it is to not compare yourself to other people who've had babies. oh, and about the new normal of not having great control over your nethers, as evidenced by the fact that I totally tooted publicly when our friends were over for dinner one night! and then was all, la-di-da, tee-hee, sorry, I can't help it! (chels, I thought about that for DAYS and just shook my head...)

Breastfeeding - this one would start with the lactation consultant in the hospital announcing that I had flat nipples ad teaching us how to deal with that. she was so great. then we'd skip to how my milk didn't actually come in until Saturday evening after Magz was born on Tuesday, and how our visit to the pediatrician Saturday morning revealed that she'd lost more weight than he was comfortable with (7lbs .5oz down to 6lb 3oz) and ended with him recommending we supplement with a little formula to fill her belly, perk her up and soothe her crabbiness, and start her on the path to regaining some weight until my milk was established. this is where I would write about my fear of starting her on a bottle too early and causing nipple confusion, about my anxiety that something would happen and I wouldn't have any milk, ever, and about worrying that people would think I was copping out and not being granola enough by giving my baby something other than breastmilk. as it turned out, the formula did help and increased her appetite, I was relieved and grateful to know my baby was actually being fed, and thanks to introducing the option of using a bottle I've been able to leave Mags at home while I run do my acting gigs, knowing that if something happens she can eat without me if she really needs to, and M and I have felt freer to go out here and there. I'd write about how I still worry about it, though, so I breastfeed her on demand the vast majority of the time. I'd say how lucky we are that she's a great, demanding eater, but her roughness sometimes makes me think the occasional pacifier and bottle have taught her to chew on me, and I'm having to pay special attention to how she latches on and be diligent about doing everything I can to help her.

Guilt - about everything. what I eat, how often I work, bottles, pacifiers, sleep-deprivation and moodiness, quality of time spent with the baby, housekeeping, husbandkeeping, communicating, keeping in touch... it's really overwhelming sometimes, but what can you do but try to put things in perspective and move up and out of it?

Mild Depression - about how I look. sorry for the superficiality. I know my body rocks simply for having a baby and living to tell the tale, but I apparently had unrealistic expectations of how I would bounce back. I've lost 18 pounds so far and feel pretty good, but being this middle size makes it hard - I don't fit into my maternity things really, and my regular stuff is too tight to be decent. and makes me feel like a double-wide. I hope to start working out, doing yoga, anything soon, because it makes me feel better to move and being this size reminds me of the last time I was around this weight (which had nothing to do with a baby and everything to do with copious amounts of beer).

there's more, but this has already become long and I have things I need to address around here. THINGS... like laundry, dishes, and resting. punctuated by breastfeeding this sweet, funny, persistent baby who just wants to be held all day, mama, GOSH.

how rad and informative would those blogs have been, though?!

enjoy this lovely, hump day video...it's proving tough to upload, but check back if you can't see it yet because it's pretty sweet. seriously, Rockabye Baby! is great, we have The Cure and Queen and they're just the bomb.





-m.y.