beauty in the breakdown? I loved that song.

I have been TAGGED by JT! so here are 6 Random Things about me:

I have lived in 16 towns in my life.  13 of those were prior to college.

I am a long-term kind of person.  Maybe it's a result of moving a lot during my life, but I like to have long relationships with things... my city, my car, my animals, my church, my favorite bags.  I find people to be the hardest long-term relationships to keep and maintain.

Cleaning house is cathartic for me.  and clean sheets are important.

I have been in need of a pedicure for three weeks.  (I won't pay for one.  right now.  but I WILL find the inspiration to remove the chipped remains and paint 'em up myself.... soon.)

I am currently watching America's Next Top Model and enjoying the hotel air conditioning... M isn't here to roll his eyes at Tyra and the silly models and make responsible comments about the electric bill...  ;)

I love listening to podcasts.  I feel like they literally save me on trips.

*****

So it hasn't been the easiest week.  Sunday afternoon, we found out that Chino had malignant growth in his mouth, and today the oncologist laid all possible procedures and options out for my husband.  Chi isn't really showing any signs of being sick or anything, but this kind of cancer doesn't go away.  I'm out of town... which, in one way, I'm thankful for as it A) is distracting B) pays us money C) kept me from hearing first-hand all of the hard things M got this morning.  But then again, it means I'm 4.5 hrs away from my husband and our sweet, old pets, and our family is my real life.  Working here this week, really, feels like a shoe that doesn't fit.

I want to write this because I think I need to be a witness to it... Sunday, I was on very shaky ground.  Church had me weepy anyway, and when we got home, M's roast made everything feel so homey and good.  The vet left a message on my phone sometime during the afternoon, and I made M listen to it first.  He gave me the cliff's notes and then I had to call to speak with the doctor directly, who told me they would refer us to an oncologist and how sorry he was that he didn't have better news.  I was in fake-pleasant, automated, 'yes, thank you, that's okay, thank you very much, yes, bye-bye' mode, and it crossed my mind that he would think I was cold and didn't care that he'd just given me such grave information about the dog.  But really, I just hated him a lot in that moment and didn't want to talk to him at all any more ever again.  I was a mess the rest of the day, really.  I did some online searches and felt worse and worse... the internet told me, very bluntly, that mouth cancer in dogs is never good.  

So, how depressing is this?  pretty freaking depressing, but I'm accepting that this is part of how things work.   I have been so lucky to have this dog.  he found me during a very important part of my life, after I'd sworn off ever having a dog again.  my first marriage had fallen apart very quickly and dramatically and I wasn't making the best decisions ever (that questionable judgement was to continue in various forms for awhile), and in retrospect it's clear to me that God in his mercy sent me this beautiful, dear, spirited dog to have something outside of myself to focus on and take care of.  he -and Ripley for that matter, who's a year older than Chino - they have been so much a part of my adult evolution that it's a little heartbreaking to think of my home without their presence.   

All of this was swimming around in my head and making me feel on the verge of a breakdown the entire afternoon, and we were supposed to go to our church small group that night at TK's house.  I considered how to get out of going... because how could I NOT talk about this and NOT bawl my eyes out and who wants to do that and who wants to WATCH that?  But we said we'd bring the NY Times best-cookies-ever cookies.  and I knew it was the right thing to do.  and here's where I have to testify.

there is magic in throwing a frisbee with friends.  and attempting to throw a football.  freedom and space and acceptance happen when you quietly suck it up and blurt out to your friend - who you know loves her dogs as much as you love yours and is the safest place to fall down emotionally - to tell her of the sad news.  and feel the tightness in your chest seem to break apart a little with your confession of grieving something you love.  and then later it's easier, as you tell it again when others ask out of care and thoughtfulness, and allow it to all be real and transparent and not defining but just reality right now.  there is comfort in the potluck food that people bring, delight in the sweet babies of friends and the precious toddler finding her voice.  and, most of all, peace and reassurance to be found in the really lovely and profoundly necessary company of those who love the Lord, and who sang to him so openly about timeless yearnings and hopes and promises.  I felt so ministered to that I praise Him for his generosity to me, to both of us, in giving us this kind of community and a safe place to be who and where we are.

not that I'm done with being sad about it all... but it was... cathartic.  second time I've used that word in this post.  I understand why we're meant to live heart-close to other people, as hard as it is sometimes to grow those sorts of ties and as awkward as it can feel.  it goes way past being in the same group, or the same class, or showing up to the same events.  it's more... gained.  or allowed.  gently.  while sharing very rich cookies.

please pray for M and I... I come home Friday, and this weekend we're going to make some decisions for Chi.  in the interim, I think my husband will spoil the pets rotten.  =)  

P.S.  the song I love isn't 'Beauty in the Breakdown'... it's Let Go, by Frou Frou.  but the chorus says "it's alright, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown".  so there you go, I don't have to change the post title!  if you saw Garden State, it was on the soundtrack.  here is a video someone made using it and their artwork.  I like it.. maybe you will, too.