first blogging...

so this is my first post here.  I confess, there's a part of me that's totally uncomfortable with the whole online journalling thing.  mostly because, let's face it, a lot of things we might feel like writing about might best be kept to ourselves or shared with an understanding face over the phone or a cup of coffee.  as soon as you put things down in type, it becomes a statement of something, you know?  I mean, unless you're just writing update-esque blogs, general keeping-up-with-people listings... which I sort of did on my myspace blog.  but sometimes what I really want to write about is totally opinionated and silly and most definitely feeling-not-fact.  which is scary territory, because then you run the risk of sounding like moany, whiny, dissatisfied, therapy girl... a shallow step up from the awesomely uncomfortable writings of the Young and Sensitive.  but I would like a place to put some things down... yes, I actually believe there's a Place for the semi-sloppy and largely un-edited sentiments of the Sensitive (which explains my love of Her Space Holiday... and by 'un-edited' I mean in honesty of expression, not spelling and grammar.  yikes, do a search or something.  and as I write that I note my rebellious penchant for not capitalizing the first letter of sentences at times.  let the riddle begin.)

so the point... the point is that I hope to be able to write here.  I'm not entirely sure it'll catch on for me, but we'll see.  and I hope to not lose any cool points with my husband... I think he's personally skeptical of people putting their private thoughts and feelings on display.  and I feel that!  seriously, why trot your stuff out for judgement and/or attention?!  but things are changing, technology is molding us, and my attempts to write longhand in journals petered off long ago.  I actually found some old journals from college/post when I was moving, and read through some of it.  ACK!!  such emotional pourings-forth!  such drama and chaos and idealism on display!  I know it was my truth at the time and I'm all about the journey we take... but I felt so removed from that time and that person, and really thankful to be in the now.  I certainly didn't want anyone else to ever read something so personal.  so I burned them all... I'd actually burned some others a couple of years before, and now they're all gone.  maybe that sounds overly dramatic, or sad.  but I'm not defined by them, and I don't need to keep everything to remember where I've been.  I want to keep things around that help me now, that keep me moving onward and upward.  anyway, there it is.  I hope things go well here.  some random thoughts for today:

- I note a selfishness in me that isn't very pretty.  I want to be a better wife to my sweet husband.  I see that he does a LOT of serving of others and filling needs... I want to learn from him and serve him better.

- I miss working out.  and it's bothersome that my will doesn't seem to be strong enough to force my body into motion on a regular basis.

- It seems as though I've never felt more scattered in my life.  that's probably not true, but it feels true.

- I would like to straighten up the guestroom today, stretch or work out a little, plan dinner for my husband, and get mentally prepared to spend the rest of the week in Dallas.  I just got word that I'm getting 4 more episodes to write by the 1st... which is fantastic for our debt snowball, but potentially challenging for my psyche.  thank you, Lord, for work!  help me to have the presence of mind and spirit to do it well and with grace!

- it's a good prayer:  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.